posted
*** EDIT *** See my later post at 10:14p EST for an updated version. *** END EDIT ***
Here is the beginning to a story I started today. Let me know what you think.
quote: Max’s wife and unborn child had been dead for nearly thirty hours.
He stared at her naked form lying before him in the stasis chamber. Her pregnant belly distended awkwardly from her otherwise slender body. Max saw the pain that had taken her from him etched on her face.
The squeaking wheel of a hospital bed alerted him that they had come for him.
He leaned close over the glass enclosure that held his wife and child and whispered, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
There was a tear in his eye when he turned to meet the knowing gaze of the doctor. She smiled at him and motioned for him to mount the gurney. The young orderly looked away when Max looked
Anthony
[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited July 20, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 21, 2008).]
posted
Hey Anthony. I'm Tim. I'm new. Take this for granted.
I don't really know what's going on here. Since the genre is sci-fi, my first guess is that they're going to try to bring his wife back to life, but that's just my insane speculation.
A couple things that tripped me up:
quote:Max saw the pain that had taken her from him etched on her face.
I had to reread that sentence to get what you were saying. I think it's a little muddled... maybe if you just took out "from him" it would be a little more straightforward, as the fact that he is obviously in shock and she is his wife implies that she has been taken "from him". Also, I think you should change "etched on" to "etched into" because I think it makes the pain hers.
quote:The young orderly looked away when Max looked at him as he climbed into the bed.
I think you can do better than the double-usage of the bland word "look." Nobody looks, sits, or walks. They peer, collapse, and saunter.
Besides that, I'm very curious as to what is going on here. Is Mr. Nowak donating some of his life force to his dead wife or something? It'd be interesting to see where this goes.
posted
It seemed to me this had the wrong starting point. I'll try to explain my logic as best I can.
They were dead for thirty six hours...
Did he know before? Or is this when he finds out?
It seems the story starts when he finds out or there needs to be a more impacting viewpoint here. We need to know how he feels. Is he surprised? distraught? What brings him to the hospital? to see his Wife that had been dead thirty six hours already?
I thinkk this is a good first start. Like most of my first draft it feels almost like a sketch. I think this is too fast. It moves through too much information, and never really is clear on each idea.
I think what you should do is think about the inciting moment and delve a little deeper into the POV so we can experience a little more the character and his motives.
posted
Makes sense, but that information should reflect in the POV. Otherwise it would be a POV violation in a way, because he knows what's going on. I have read several stories that mve backwards in essence. It is tough to pull off but can be done.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Makes sense, but that information should reflect in the POV. Otherwise it would be a POV violation in a way, because he knows what's going on. I have read several stories that mve backwards in essence. It is tough to pull off but can be done.
Can you explain further? I don't mean to be dense but I don't think I'm following you. Basically the story will go like this.
The story starts off in the room with his dead wife and unborn child in the stasis chamber. Then the Doc arrives and he is wheeled off on a gurney. As he is wheeled away he 'thinks back' on the events that led him to where he is...
The story jumps back a couple nights to when it all began and then the story progresses from that point until we again reach the point where we started.
In all of this I do not see a PoV violation but I'm likely just missing something.
quote:Max’s wife and unborn child had been dead for nearly thirty hours.
I think it is the informative nature of this line which makes it feel distant to me
quote:He stared at her naked form lying before him in the stasis chamber. Her pregnant belly distended awkwardly from her otherwise slender body. Max saw the pain that had taken her from him etched on her face.Given the information you have given me about the progression of this story it seem that this should be the opening line. The moment of incitement is him seeing his wife. By saying his wife it feels more intimant and that could be the distance that I felt. I might suggest. "A tear came to his eye as he stared at her swollen abdomen. His wife and unborn child..... As he heard the squeeking of the..., Max knew... It seems that a simple rearangement of his name and the pronouns describing he and his wife make this feel closer. IMO
The squeaking wheel of a hospital bed alerted him that theyWho are They?? had come for him.
He leaned close over the glass enclosure that held his wife and child and whispered, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
There was a tear in his eye when he turned to meet the knowing gaze of the doctor. She smiled at him and motioned for him to mount the gurney. The young orderly looked away when Max looked at him as he climbed into the bed.
Once he was settled into the bed the orderly pulled a sheet over him and the doctor stood alongside him.
“Are you ready Mr. Nowak?” she asked. Her voice was calm and soothing.
"They" , I suppose seems like the POV violation. He knows who they are and to me this just feels like a device.
It could be an option to play up the fear or anger about who "they" are even if you don't offer more description. It could make this feel more natural.
I am probably more confusing than help. Trying to explain my gut feeling is hard.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 20, 2008).]
posted
Actually this is much better. You make a good point.
There does seems to be a shift although it's not apparent to me in the 'first 13'.
They are really no one terribly important. But that isn't clear to the reader at this point and probably should be. Good catch there. The story is told as a third person PoV but fairly tight to what is known to Max only.
Max KNOWS his wife has been dead for nearly 30 hours. I'll have to think about what you are saying there and see if it applies to the big picture.
posted
Taking in some of the advice above, here is an updated version.
I'd love to hear if you think this is an improvement.
quote:Max’s wife and unborn child had been dead for nearly thirty hours.
She lay, naked and motionless, before him; locked in a stasis chamber. Her pregnant belly distended awkwardly from her otherwise slender body. Max saw the suffering that had taken her etched into her face.
The squeaking wheel of a hospital bed alerted him that the doctor was ready for him.
He leaned close over the glass enclosure that held his wife and child and whispered, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
There were tears in his eyes when he turned to meet the knowing gaze of Dr. Tucker. She offered him a half-smile and motioned for him to mount the gurney. The young orderly looked away when Max caught his eye.
Am I getting somewhere?
Anthony
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited July 21, 2008).]
posted
You got me intrigued. I'd certainly read on. I think you should move on and finish it before you start worrying too much about wording, etc.
The first line didn't bother me at all. The semi-colon in the second para is misplaced. I tripped up a bit on the line "Max saw the suffering..." It's a bit awkwardly phrased, and was it the suffering that took her, or the disease or whatever that took her?
posted
Having nearly completed this work in 3rd person/past tense, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to rewrite it in first person/past.
It's just one of those stories that you can't translate the emotion without first person. Maybe that is just a weakness in my writing and I should be able to do it in third but I think that it will be a better story in first person.
We'll see of course.
Thanks for giving the first 13 a read. I'll post the first person version later today if I get around to writing it.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
