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Clear, blue sky against red and orange trees. Cool sharp air carrying the musty, sweet smells of decaying leaves. Warm sunshine on her shoulder. That pride as the c.o. mentioned her name. _Her_ name above all others. Top of the class.

"Constable Sara Lugo," he went on, "distinguished herself among her training unit early on and proceeded to attain the highest score of any cadet in this company's training history. It is my great pleasure to present constable Lugo with this year's David Simcoe Memorial Award for highest achievement in her training unit." Three classes a year, and only one DSMA awarded.

Personal congratulations from the Mayor. Handshakes and photo ops. A bright future with the force. So many photos taken.

That being said, this was too remote and static to pull me in. I'm not sure where we are and why I care. First, we seem to be at an award presentation but then we've flashed back or something to earlier that day. If you have to flashback within the first bit, you've probably started in the wrong place. Second, the sentance fragments really started grating on me. Rather than describe the setting, try to move into the event that makes the story take off.

Try to sink into Lugo's head and have the reader experience the events when she does. This "feels" too narrated to me. Also, after all this time, I still have no hint about what the story is about.

My take:

quote:

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Clear, blue sky against red and orange trees. Cool sharp air carrying the musty, sweet smells of decaying leaves. Warm sunshine on her shoulder. That pride as the c.o. Spell this out mentioned her name. _Her_ name above all others. Top of the class. This is a laundry list. You don't need to spend this much time telling me it's fall. Show me how the MC is reacting to what's going on around her. She's probably not going to be thinking this way.

"Constable Sara Lugo," he went on Give me his name too. Also, he didn't go on because we haven't heard hom speak yet. , "distinguished herself among her training unit early on and proceeded to attain the highest score of any cadet in this company's training history. It is my great pleasure to present constable Lugo with this year's David Simcoe Memorial Award for highest achievement in her training unit."

Three classes a year, and only one DSMA awarded. who's thought is this?

Personal congratulations from the Mayor. Handshakes and photo ops. A bright future with the force. So many photos taken. again a laundry list instead of time spent showing me the events

The real ones -- the best ones-- were with the twins that morning. If this is the important part, start here Jack who is this? took her favorite. Peter who is this? wore her police cap and grinned. Lizzy Who scowled because she didn't have a hat too. Sara Is this her POV? If so, wouldn't something like "the kid's antics made her laugh" work better? was laughing.

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If she's being shown her memories by a computer or some outside force, you need to make the reader understand that pretty soon. You need to refine the opening and drop into someone's head (POV) so we can get a sense of the story and the character.

Good luck

That first paragraph needs reworked. I agree that it is written like a laundry list. I think it would be better if you changed that POV to a more centralized one. What I mean is it would help if we had a feeling that someone was experiencing the smells, sounds, and sights of the moment. As if they had a deeper meaning to them (which is where I think you were going with this) Something like...

quote:

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Sara Lugo gazed at the clear, blue sky against the red and orange trees. The cool sharp air carried the musty, sweet smells of decaying leaves. Warm sunshine fell on her shoulder. It added to the pride she felt as the CO mentioned her name. Her name above all others.
Top of the class.

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Putting that last line in a paragraph by itself I believes adds to the impact you were after.
Hope this helps.