This is my first flash fiction, The Price of Spaghetti and Meatballs, complete at 700 words. Full critique would be very appreciated, just let me know and I'll send it over! _____
The knife was small, sure, but a knife nonetheless. My stomach clenched.
"Your wallet."
His gaze was calm, which unnerved me even more. I was sizing him up too, wondering if I could somehow get out of this. Wondering if I could do what I needed to if necessary.
Our heads jerked simultaneously when an engine revved a block over and the knife twitched, both menacing and ridiculous. The street was deserted, but only for the moment; he knew it as well as I did. I had a few seconds at best.
"Your wallet, now."
In those few seconds I thought, not about making my escape, but of Andy.
I really like your prose - very engaging. I only found two things slightly off-putting: the title (not sure sure why, could be a personal thing), and the line 'Our heads jerked simultaneously when an engine revved a block over and the knife twitched, both menacing and ridiculous.' It breaks the tension slightly (distracting not just the two characters, but me as well). Besides, 'both menacing and ridiculous' kind of implies that she's not TOO worried, which doesn't help the tension either. I assume it's there to justify 'The street was deserted', but I think you could safely replace it with something else (I wouldn't cut it altogether for the sake of pace).
I'll happily read the rest of it if you want my thoughts .
posted
Good tense opener, making it clear what the situation is, and using first person makes it more immediaet than third.
"Wondering if I could do what I needed to if necessary." - a touch of repetition/tautology, there.
I suspect I'd read on to find out why s/he thinks of Andy. But you need to get to the story soon. And I have a sneaking, worrying suspicion that the mugging isn't the story - and if it's only there to provide a false hook for a flashback story that doesn't relate to the now, I shall be disappointed, no matter how good your actual story is.
I feel the same way about the 'engine revving' line, I've written it a few different ways and I'm still not quite happy with it. The 'menacing and ridiculous' is because I'm emphasizing that the knife is kind of a joke, a really small one, but it could still cause some harm. It's ridiculous compared to a gun or a big knife, but it's menacing because of the situation. Any suggestions on how to improve those few sentences would be much appreciated, and I'll keep working on it!
Daniel, I'll send you the story...thanks!!
tchernabyelo, the mugging IS the story, no false hook, but there is a little twist! Hopefully it won't be disappointing!
Instead of "The knife was small,sure, but a knife nonetheless" maybe you could say, "It was a small knife, but enough to (kill her or other serious wound) if the robber attacked."
It's her attitude towards the knife that made the scene lack tension for me.
"I was sizing him up too, wondering if I could somehow get out of this. Wondering if I could do what I needed to if necessary." - This is telling. It might be necessary to tell more than normal because this is a flash but I'd like to know her thoughts as she sizes him up. At minimum it gives the POV a reasonable opportunity to ground the reader in a location and some idea about the assailant.
The switch to Andy is a bit abrupt. Maybe if to tell me who Andy is i.e. my son/lover/husband, Andy . . . I might buy the apparent change in thoughts in a potentially life threatening situation.
posted
kings_falcon, I've learned from police officers, military veterans, and nurses that situations like this are not as life-threatening as the average person believes. The attacker seems more concerned with the MC's wallet than murder, he does not have hold of the MC (putting him at a disadvantage, considering his choice of weapons), and (I'm guessing) the MC will put up a fight. Of course, Michelle must consider the average person's beliefs to carry readers through her story. My martial artist sensibilities and limited experience with writing conflict on this point.
Michelle, despite the disagreement above, I like your first 13; I'm curious what will happen in the story. I like the engine moment, which added realism, in my mind. What I suggest would make these lines better is the removal of the redundancies. I enjoy "good" flash fiction for its conciseness, which a redundancy undermines. I don't think you need the first line and "both menacing and ridiculous". You can also remove "if necessary"; it's not necessary for your point.
posted
Thanks for your input, kings_falcon and aspirit!
I agree about the repetitiveness, I think I can rework those few sentences. And I am telling when I could be showing, kings_falcon, I'll try to rewrite that too.
The very next sentence tells who Andy is (the MC's son.)
I'll send the story to your inbox aspirit, thanks!!!
I liked the excerpt and made some assumptions which I was perfectly willing to let you (the writer) clarify later, from what you said I assumed:
She'd probably been for a meal (the title), she wasn't just a helpless person (she's sizing him up) and you'd tell me who Andy was (obviously if you didn't I'd be disappointed)
I agree with the other folks about the 'wondering' (repetition) and the 'menacing and ridiculous', but apart from that I was intrigued and ready to read on. I'm new too, but if you want me to read the full thing and comment I'd be happy to do so, just that I'm a bit new to critiquing so my comments might be a bit obvious!
The thing I'd say about a small knife is that the point is just a sharp as a large knife, and can focus your attention pretty well!
I look forward to reading more!
Cheers,
Andy.
[This message has been edited by firemonkey (edited August 23, 2008).]
posted
Alrighty, rewrite #1...better? worse? same? (I think I like the rewrite of the first paragraph better, but I'm not so sure about the second, I mostly just changed the order. And I'm being kind of stubborn about the menacing and ridiculous part, although I'll still consider changing it.)
Thanks! ______________________________
The knife was small, sure, but a knife nonetheless. My stomach clenched.
"Your wallet."
His gaze was calm, which unnerved me even more. My eyes darted from his hands to his face as my mind churned, wondering if there was a way out of this, and if I could do what was necessary if not.
The whiny growl of a distant engine caused our heads to jerk simultaneously and the little weapon twitched, both menacing and ridiculous. The street was deserted, but only for the moment; he knew it as well as I did. I had a few seconds at best.
"Your wallet, now."
In those few seconds I thought, not about making my escape, but of Andy.
posted
aspirit, true but unless the MC falls into those catagories your average joe is going to be consumed by something called "weapon focus". It's pretty much what it sounds like. In a threat situtation, the average person won't take their eyes off the weapon because it's the thing that could kill them. Eye witnesses give lovely descriptions of the weapons but not so much of the attackers.
It's my issue (it seems) but I'd just like a bit more of a hint that she's not just the average joe. The problem I'm having is that the MC is treating this situation as both a potentially life threatening one and no big deal.
This line - "Wondering if I could do what I needed to if necessary" also makes me stumble. Since she's thinking of what is necessary, I should know it too.
Still, it's as I said before, a solid start. But doesn't quite hook me.
posted
Hm... I think what's getting me is I don't understand why he/ she doesn't just throw the wallet out at the person. Esp if he/ she is going to think about their son.
I think the challenge here is that you're trying to analyze microseconds and playing them out in a scene when in reality thoughts like this happen in a flash, as our mind goes from the knife to a loved one, to even something stupid. Anyway, it makes suspension of disbelief difficult because the way the thoughts are presented seems so orderly and logical, when in reality thoughts like this tend to happen in a flash, almost simultaneously.
posted
Some inherit problems in your script that you can't deal with because of that twist at the end, Enna. It is fortunate that it is a flash piece. I find many of the complaints amusing considering I read your piece.
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