I had not thought Mars would kill me. I had not sought to kill Mars, or even to torture it into Earth the way they do beneath the Chinese domes. My dream for the Eritrean Mandate was a Marsian ecology: frostava and arctatoes, redwheat and nitrogen rice. But dreams are expensive, and sometimes you either buy reconditioned helmets from black marketeers in American Luna or.... Truthfully? There is no “or.” You buy them. Fethawi is on his way, but I have fallen too far and the crack in my faceplate is growing. I’ve set my air to min-safe to lower the pressure differential, but it’s taking too long. Moving to min-safe is like flying from Massawa on the Red Sea, where Madihah lives and once called me hers, to the very peak of Kilimanjaro. I could dump the pressure on override, save my
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by ereitman (edited October 30, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by ereitman (edited October 30, 2008).]
Too much! Too much! Ease up a bit, way too much to gather in with the first 13.
Chinese domes, Eritrean Mandate, frostava, arctatoes, redwheat, nitrogen rice, Fethawi, Madihah. Then you have this torturing a planet and Mars killing you. A reconditioned black market helmet and memories of a lost love. That and a cracked faceplate. Your opening isn't boring but man is it convoluted. We want to feast on your apple of wisdom but did you need to dump the entire bussel over our head? Rework this and pick one hook to work on. The cracked faceplate, interesting engineered marsain ecology, the memory of the lost love. throwing all this at the reader will likely scare them away then hook them.
I had not thought Mars would kill me. I alone had not sought to kill Mars, to whipsaw the wastes into some ochred near-Earth ‘neath a million glassine blisters. My dream was life *of* Mars, not just on it. A beautiful dream, I think, but no less of one for it, and sometimes all the beauty does is underscore the ugliness of the choices that confront us. Because sometimes backers back out, and sometimes you either buy antediluvian exosuits from black marketeers in Russian Luna or.... Truthfully? There is no “or.” You buy them. The boy Fethawi is on his way, but I have fallen too far and the crack in my faceplate is growing. I’ve set my air to min-safe to lower the pressure differential, but it’s taking too long. I could dump the pressure on override, save my suit and die from the bends; but I’m not sure what it would achieve.
posted
oks...the first one was too much detail...the second I saw something there that could have an almost Bradbury twist if you looked at your first 2 sentences and built on that...how your MC and many others were trying re make Mars into something and Mars was resisting the change....you got some good stuff here with the death as a hook thing...please make it simpler cleaner and clearer and I think you got a great story to be told
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I actually like this very much, though I have only a scant idea of what's going on. Your MC is floating about in the void, in a space-suit that has a growing crack in the visor, yes?
The 'tortured domes' thing: there are colonies on Mars, in these big 'Total Recall' esque habitat domes. In the Chinese ones, they have (in the MC's mind) 'tortured' Mars by forcing the landscape into an Eathean semblance. Your MC wanted to bring Mars into its own potential, with it's own eco-system, etc. Yes?
[Daft as this sounds, I thought the 'reconditioned helmets' thing was a metaphor at first, placed, as it is, next to 'dreams are expensive'].
There is a LOT of info, here. For some reason, I like that about this opening, but I think it will put a whole lot of people off.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 31, 2008).]
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