posted
“Sebastian,” Cristian screamed and pelted across the wet deck of La Concepcion to his friend, who lay twitching in a slick of blood. Swirling clouds of gun-smoke shrouded the moon-lit deck for a moment, shielding Cristain from the enemy guns. Nearby, a seaman screamed as the deck was raked with shot and his body shredded by musket balls. Cristian grabbed Sebastian's shoulder and pulled him onto his back. Sebastian groaned and his eyes fluttered open. “Sebastian, my friend--I won’t let you die.” The cannon fire seemed more distant and the flashes further away. “For all your piety, you aren’t God…my friend.” Sebastian smiled weakly. “The English will… board us and kill everyone—
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2009).]
I'm curious! I like that you have these guys being Spanish, too. It seems like everybody (myself included) goes for a more English/Scottish/Irish-oriented set of characters, so it makes a nice change.
Some little nits: you have two "screamed"s that seem to come almost back to back and it diminished the impact of the second one for me. I think you might be able to eliminate the first one entirely. Just have "Sebastian!" and then go straight into his action tag "Cristian pelted across ...."
Also, I wouldn't think the clouds could shield Cristian from the enemy guns, just the enemy's gaze/eyes/sights/whatever.
Depending on what your setting is (I'm guessing 17th/18th c. on the assumption you're going for a historical setting), I think common sailors usually can't swim. So the signal I get from that last thing is that Crisitian isn't just another sailor. Which is fine, just wanted to let you know that's what I read into it.
quote:“Sebastian,” Cristian screamed and pelted across the wet deck of La Concepcion to his friend, who lay twitching in a slick of blood.
An opportunity the eliminate a speech tag. Kitti is correct about the 'scream' echo. This is easy to get rid of. I also think this would be better breaking this up into three sentences
quote:"Sebastian!" Cristian pelted across the wet deck of the La Concepcion. Sebastion lay twisting in a slick of his own blood.
quote:Swirling clouds of gun-smoke shrouded the moon-lit deck for a moment, shielding Cristain from the enemy guns. Nearby, a seaman screamed as the deck was raked with shot and his body shredded by musket balls.
This I liked. Very vivid. Don't have a problem of figuring out where and when we are at.
quote:Cristian grabbed Sebastian's shoulder and pulled him onto his back.
I'd change 'pulled' to 'rolled'. A small thing but a clearer meaning.
Excellent work. You have me curious what cristian will find on the island. You do like to put your characters in historical settings but you always have a twist for them. Zombies, aliens, stone gods that come to life... something.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 22, 2009).]
The year is 1702, a small sea engagement between stray elements of the Spanish Navy (though historically they are all locked up in the Port of Vigo) and the British Fleet.
I am not certain if all (by all I don't mean all) sailors couldn't swim. English sailors usually couldn't, but a Spanish sailor, who grew up on the coast (let's face it they do get better weather) might.
'Rolled'--yes.
And, yes, Frank...things go 'genre' fairly soon. I didn't want to do it immediately as it felt crammed in, so I opted to set the scene.
posted
Aside from what else was previously mentioned, the only thing that jumped out for me was the use of "pelted" which I thought seemed a very odd choice since it is usually associated with a repetitive action.
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