Genre: Sci-Fi
Word Count: 22,997

First 13 Lines:

“I wouldn’t go up there if I were you.”
“Elliot, relax.”
“There are supposed to be Sirens up there. You know what Mother Eustace thinks about them.”
“Elliot, I said relax!”
“I’m not going up there.”
“No one asked you to.”
“I’m not going to miss dinner either.”
“Look, I’ll be back in a second. I just thought I heard something up there.”
“It’s almost dinner time. It’s mutton tonight. You know that’s my favorite.”
“Then go back to town.”

Meanwhile - one comment on the 13 (which I did not read in detail) - add speaker attributions. I'm guessing that you're trying not to, with the names of the characters in the lines, but just stick a couple in there so the reader doesn't have to work so hard.

“I wouldn’t go up there if I were you.”
“Elliot, relax.”
“There are supposed to be Sirens up there. You know what Mother Eustace thinks about them.”
“Elliot, I said relax!”
Elliot was quiet for a long moment as I began to climb the ladder. “I’m not going up there,” he said suddenly (Ack! Adverb!)
I sighed and continued climbing. “No one asked you to.”
“I’m not going to miss dinner either.”
“Look, I’ll be back in a second. I just thought I heard something up there.”
“It’s almost dinner time," he pleaded. "It’s mutton tonight. You know that’s my favorite.”
I waved my hand towards the door. “Then go back to town.”
“Mother Eustace will ask where you are.”
“Then tell her that I stopped to talk to a girl on the way home. She thinks I’m immoral anyway.”
I could hear Elliot cross his arms, then stomp his foot on the dry floorboards. “I’m not waiting for you."

I don't know if I've got any of the details correct, but this is kind of what I'm getting at. Anyways, very good thus far. Strictly based on your characters, you've got me a while longer.

Jayson Merryfield

Just a quick question: can you explain more about the adverb issue?

Thanks!
Jessi

The idea behind an adverb is to describe an action, right? Well, shouldn't everything else we know about that situation (the attitude of the characters, the mood, the dialogue, etc.) indicate the same thing? If I close the door, you see me calmly closing the door. If I'm angry at you and I close the door, I might do it a little more forcefully, but there's no need to say he closed the door firmly or he shut the door forcefully. You as the reader know I'm angry and can imagine for yourself how I'm closing the door. If I'm really angry, you might reach to he slammed the door, but he slammed the door forcefully is awfully redundant.

Same goes for dialogue attribution. If you are unable to express the state of mind of your character through their dialogue, resist the temptation to use an adverd in dialogue attribution, something like he said angrily. Something along the lines of he said, slamming his fist on the table is better, and allows you to show your characters personality through their actions. It can be difficult, it can be very very difficult because as a writer we're not always sure that our readers are getting what we're putting across, and an adverb is a signpost to what we actually meant. Having the occasional one isn't necessarily a huge problem - sometimes there is only so many ways to describe an action without resorting to an adverb - but use with caution and sparingly.

This is just my take, and by extension Stephen's take. Do with it as you will.

I think Jayson is mostly concerned about adverbs that modify the word "said." I wouldn't say to never use them, but they can be a bit awkward, so I think he's right to say to avoid them. Generally, there is probably a better way to convey the suddenness of the situation. In the example he gave...:

quote:

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Elliot was quiet for a long moment as I began to climb the ladder. “I’m not going up there,” he said suddenly (Ack! Adverb!)
I sighed and continued climbing. “No one asked you to.”

---

Still - I use adverbs to modify "said" when I feel it's the best way.

I think a more important piece of advice is to avoid using words other than "said." Said is a nice "invisible" indicator of dialog. People read right over it without noticing it is their, yet it guides them through the diaolog. If you get fancy, it brings attention to the indicator, rather than to the dialog. Dialog, in general, should be written in such a way that it will be read with the proper emotion and intention regardless of the indicator.

Still - it's not a hard and fast rule. Used in great moderation, a descriptive indicator can be quite effective.

quote:

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The idea behind an adverb is to describe an action, right? Well, shouldn't everything else we know about that situation (the attitude of the characters, the mood, the dialogue, etc.) indicate the same thing? If I close the door, you see me calmly closing the door. If I'm angry at you and I close the door, I might do it a little more forcefully, but there's no need to say he closed the door firmly or he shut the door forcefully. You as the reader know I'm angry and can imagine for yourself how I'm closing the door. If I'm really angry, you might reach to he slammed the door, but he slammed the door forcefully is awfully redundant.

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I don't disagree with a lot of what you say, Jayson. They are good suggestions in general. However, there are times when an adverb can be useful. For example - what if the action is *counter* to the mood and situation? "She screamed at her father, then closed the door softly."

Another reason might be efficiency. Pounding fists can be useful, but they can actually distract from the action that is important. An adverb can describe the situation with fewer words and get the point across just fine without distracting motions.

A third reason might be because of a subdued action. "He looked at him quizzically." How better to say "He looked at him quizzically," than "He looked at him quizzically?" Sure, you can play games with the eyes and mouth, and you can make him cock his head just a smidge. But "quizzically" does the trick.

I do agree with Jayson that you should have even more care using adverbs with attributions. I avoid them as much as possible. But I would not rule them out.

Likewise, pounding a fist can impress us with possible frustration, arrogance, flamboyance, theatrics, or many other things. "Angrily" immediately and clearly conveys to the reader that the character is just plain angry.

quote:

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... is there a good post here that can explain writing an appropriate summary to a total noob?

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Finally, just tell me what you have gotten to, and why you are stagnating.

As far as number 6 goes, you may or may not have thought it through. I personally think it is the most important question, and it may be a lack of understanding the theme that is causing you to flounder. If you cannot answer the question "What is this story about?" directly, then I would ask the question, "Why is this story important to me?"

If you are writing a summary for bigger purposes, there may be some resources somebody can dig up.

ciao,
Mark

For example, you mention that "quizzically" is an adverb that expresses a particular frame of mind. Using quizzically is the narrator telling the reader that the character is interested. Having the character crook an eyebrow expresses a similar meaning (though not exactly, of course), and used in conjunction with a follow up question or statement like "That deal sounds almost too goo to be true," achieves the same thing as an adverb.

As well, if your reader can't tell whether your character is angry, arrogant, theatrical, etc. when they're pounding on the table while yelling, maybe the dialogue beforehand isn't quite clear enough to stand on its own without an adverb. Pounding the table is a flamboyant thing to do when angry - maybe the character is flamboyant, versus another character who might simply grit their teeth or clench their fists. That action as a qualifier is a gateway to character development that simply using angrily can not equal.

I think we're on relatively the same page here, Mark, just with a different glass half empty/half full kind of difference.

By the way, here's another useful place for the little buggers:

Another thing adverbs do – they tell you what the POV character or narrator thinks of something even if it isn't true. This especially works for first person, but it also works for third as long as the narrative is intimate enough with the POV character.

Example: "The CEO capriciously decided to monitor the meeting."

This sentence shows the POV character's opinion of the motives of the CEO. It is possible that his impression is correct, but it is also possible that the CEO has completely practical reasons for being there. The author may or may not decide to give evidence/action that contradicts the "adverbiage" of the narrator.

"Hurry up," Tom said swiftly. - the type of tag that gave this thing its name.

The point with this is - tom swifties (I can't decide if they're swifties or swiftys) are cheap ways out. They're often redundant (tom SAID hurry up!!) And other times, as many uses of adverbs in dialogue tags, they're used to tag an emotion that could be communicated to the reader in what the speaker is saying, or in a "beat" - an action sentence that follows the speaker's dialogue.

"Just forget it." She said, as she slumped into a chair by the window.
How is she feeling? You have a vague idea.
"Just forget it." She said, as she stalked across the room and threw herself onto the bed face-down.
Now? Different emotion, not all that different in wording.
"Just forget it." She said, as she tossed me a cold beer from the fridge.
Hmm...very different state, though we don't have as much sense of her emotion.
"Just forget it." She said, smiling, as she tossed me a cold beer from the fridge.
Little more sense of her being not mad at me in this last one...
(FYI, I'm pretty sure I misused commas in that above line, but not worried about that right now.)

Anyway - there are some good bits about adverbs and dialogue attributions in a couple good books on writing. Self Editing for Fiction Writers, Characters and Viewpoints (by Orson Scott Card) and...hmm...I forget which other one I read recently that had some more good input on this. But they're out there. Helpful when you see even more examples.

FYI, there are PLENTY of HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL authors who write with many adverbs, often accompanying dialogue tags. You should be aware of this. However, it also, apparently (I've never been published, so what do I know? LOL) is something that editors/agents/first reviewers are really aware of, and may be enough of a reason to move your manuscript from the "maybe" pile to the "no" one.