posted
Hey everyone, Last time I posted this story I got a lot of good advice on how to make it better. This is a fantasy world with almost no magic and set in a medievil time frame.
---------------------------------------------------------------- With the expectation of pain, Calahir opened his eyes. The glaring sun assaulted his eyes with light. The smell of salt water and blood attacked his nose. He put a hand up to block the sun's glare and attempted to sit up. Years of disuse made his body stiff and sore. Surf crashed against the left side of his large elfin body. Salt from the water seeped into cuts and scrapes that he had no recollection of recieving. This was also when Calahir noticed, with little surprise, that he was naked. In front of him was a beach strewn with burning wreckage and dead bodies. The surf was red with blood. Out in the ocean he saw the source of all the debris. The mast of his prison stuck out of the water bearing the banner of...
posted
Not bad at all - visual and straightforward - good job. You could tighten it up - some of the words are extraneous.
"The glaring sun assaulted his eyes with light." Well yes, but how else would the sun assault his eyes? What's wrong with the simple "The sun assaulted his eyes."
"The smell of saltwater (one word) and blood attacked his nose." How? Did it sting? Hurt? Cause him to cough/wretch? Tell us so we can "feel" this.
"Years of disuse made his body stiff and sore." Why not replace "disuse" with "confinement" so that there is no question as to the why of disuse.
Salt from the water creeped into cuts and scrapes..." This is awkward since really, it was saltwater that "creeped into cuts and scrapes." You might replace "creeped" with "splashed into" or something similar. It would also be nice to "see" a reaction here - does he wince from the pain? recoil? scream?
"The surf was red with blood." A little tame and passive. "He watched the surf swell into a frothy red curl before it broke against smoldering wreckage and bodies strewn along the beach." Something like that.
Nicely done - I can easily picture this scene.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 18, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 18, 2007).]
posted
Good scene and it has a hook, at least for me.
The comments are all small stuff and I'll skip things that nitewriter already covered.
'His eyes' is repeated in the first two sentences and came across as repetitious.
The description 'large elfin body' made me wonder. 'Elfin' connotes 'small' so 'large' is a contradiction. Did he get fat for lack of exercise in prison? Did they feed him too well? Did he start as an unusually large elf? This is probably something to be answered outside the first 13.
quote: With the expectation of pain[Why?], Calahir opened his eyes. The [Deleted]sun assaulted his eyes [Deleted]. The smell of salt water and blood attacked his nose. [He put a hand up to block the sun's glare and attempted to sit up.<--This should be the second sentence, it mentions the sunlight and what he does about it. If not, it makes the current #2 sentence redundant.] Years of [disuse<--agree with nitewriter on this. Keeps it sounding a bit more authentic.] made his body stiff and sore. Surf crashed against the left side of his large elfin body. Salt[Deleted]water seeped into cuts and scrapes that he had no recollection of rec[ei]ving. This was also when Calahir noticed, with little surprise[Why wasn't he surprised?], that he was naked. In front of him was a beach strewn with burning wreckage[What kind?] and dead bodies. The surf was red with blood. Out in the ocean he saw the source of all the debris. The mast of his prison[prison ship?] stuck out of the water bearing the banner of...
IMHO - you are overcomplicating this. Suggestion: Calahir, the elf, awoke to a lapping surf and a bright, blinding sun. He put a hand up to shade his eyes. It ached when he sat up, the burns of fresh, unfamiliar wounds stung from the saltwater. All along the beach before him dead bodies and burning debris littered the shore. Just out to sea, the mast of a ship -- for many years his prison -- was slowly swallowed by the azure waves. Then you can show us more of where you are going with this character; hook us with some conflict.
Hope this example helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 18, 2007).]
posted
I agree with everything so far. This is considerably better, but it needs to be "leaner" if you understand what I mean. Cut the excess. Compact it. The first page is the only way you can thoroughly hook your reader, so I try to hook them as fast as possible with conflict, or a fresh new concept. In your case, it looks like a source of conflict would be the best way to go.
Also, I thoroughly agree with the 'disuse' comment. When I read that, my mind started asking: Why hasn't his body been used? Has he been in a coma? supressed by medication? tied down to a bed in a psych ward? Of course I knew none of these were true, but the word disuse leads the reader in a different direction than you are wanting to lead them right now.
posted
Again, thanks for all the helpful advice. I'm working on another copy for a repost soon. As for everyone's arguement on the word "disuse", I would just like to say that it fits perfectly. Although some of you might think it doesn't fit due to what you've read so far, I can tell you that you're wrong. Grammatical errors and redundancies will be corrected as well. In any case, I'll have a different version out soon. Again, thank you for the advice and I look forward to doing this again soon.
posted
The first sentence is confusing. What pain and from where? If he expects the light to sting his eyes, and that's the pain he is dreading, maybe state that plainly.
In the previous versions, I thought the pain he was expecting was from jailors attacking him. That is lost here, if it ever were what you meant. The scene is strong and evocative.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
