posted
I've also submitted this to Evil Editor *gulp*, so I figured it was only fair to submit it here too. I'm not terribly happy with it, to be honest, but it's better than the first draft was. (I'm especially unhappy with the supposed hook.) Any thoughts are appreciated.
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Dear [agent];
11-year old Marta wants to fly, but she gets what she wanted in the worst possible way. Her sister, 16-year old Rosa wants a quiet life, but she gets the opposite when forced to rescue her family from the Inquisition.
The sisters live high in the mountains, when a mysterious inquisitor arrives and turns out to be their uncle running from the inquisition. He is shot in front of their family, but not before he casts strange magic on Rosa.
Desperate to know if their uncle told anyone the secret he knew, the Inquisitor General throws their whole family in prison. Rosa barely manages to escape by drawing on a mysterious physical prowess that she never had before and discovers her uncle embedded his mind into her psyche, allowing her to access his skills as a champion fencer. She also learns the secret he discovered; the Inquisitor General is using a forbidden magic called Mentalism to spread the Church's influence across the world.
Knowing Rosa possesses the secret, the Inquisitor General uses Mentalism to switch Marta's mind with a dragon's. He erases her memories and alters her mind to be loyal to him. However, the bonds of loyalty shatter when Marta confronts her sister. She flees and struggles to regain her memory.
Using what little witchcraft Rosa learned from her mother, she discovers the dragon is her sister and tracks it across the land. Finally reunited, they confront the Inquisitor General. It seems an easy task to a dragon and a champion fencer, but the General can control minds.
I am seeking representation for Crucible and Cauldron (95,000 words), a complete fantasy novel set in a world of alchemy and witchcraft. This is my first novel, but I have extensive experience in technical writing. SASE enclosed.
quote: In the mountain village of [Name], life was all daydreams for 11 year old Marta and her 16 year old sister Rosa, until a surprise visit from Uncle [Name] introduced them the horrors of the Inquisition. With his dying breath, Uncle [Name] transferred something; Rosa felt something inside change.
When [Name], the Inquisitor General, arrives, the family is taken into custody. Rosa learns the secret that Uncle [Name] was killed for: [the Inquisitor Geneal's Name] is using dark powers to control the minds of his congregation. Worse, he has used this power to manipulate Marta's mind and trade it for that of a dragon.
Rosa must master the gift that Uncle [Name] bestowed upon her, free Marta's mind of [Inquisitor General's Name's] control, and then confront the great mental powers of the Inquisitor General and his brainwashed minions.
Does that about size it up?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 25, 2007).]
posted
Hm... I feel like this query could benefit from a little more story telling and craft. Right now, it feels as if you're just laying out the facts. Also, the prose in general could be tighter. It does sound like an intriguing, and charming, story line, however.
[quote] 11-year Spell out numbers at the beginning of a sentence. old Marta wants to fly, but she gets what she wanted in the worst possible way.I see you're trying to hook us here, but this sentence is just so obtuse, I don't know what to make of it. Her sister, 16-year old Rosa wants a quiet life, but she gets the opposite when forced to rescue her family from the Inquisition.This sentence is much more specific and works better.
The sisters live high in the mountains, when Hm, don't think you want "when" here. The way it's worded it sounds as if living high in the mts is somehow causally related to the man showing up. a mysterious inquisitor arrives and turns out to be their uncle running from the inquisition. This section seems needlessly complicated for a query. Maybe just cut to the chase and say their uncle showed up, seeking help or asylum or something? For this purpose, the fact that he's a "mysterious inquisitor" seems to confuse the issue more than add mystery/ suspense. Also, shouldn't "inquisition" be consistently capitalized? He is shot in front of their family, but not before he casts strange magic on Rosa.
Desperate to know if their uncle told anyone the secret he knew, the Inquisitor General throws their whole family in prison. Rosa barely manages to escape by drawing on a mysterious physical prowess that she never had before and discovers her uncle embedded his mind into her psyche, allowing her to access his skills as a champion fencer. The wording here is kind of round-a-bout. Better, I think, to say right off what her "physical prowess" is, rather than reveal it at the end of the sentence. There doesn't seem to be a lot of sense in this sentence structure.She also learns the secret he discovered; the Inquisitor General is using a forbidden magic called Mentalism to spread the Church's influence across the world.
Knowing Rosa possesses the secret, the Inquisitor General uses Mentalism to switch Marta's mind with a dragon's. He erases her memories and alters her mind to be loyal to him.This feels like a non sequitur. What is his motive in turning Marta into a dragon? Also, presumably there's a Marta's body with a dragon's mind wandering around trying to fly and set things on fire??? Doest his come into the plot at all? However, the bonds of loyalty shatter when Marta confronts her sister. She flees and struggles to regain her memory.
Using what little witchcraft Rosa learned from her mother, she discovers the dragon is her sister and tracks it across the land. Finally reunited, they confront the Inquisitor General. It seems an easy task to "for" a dragon and a champion fencer, but the General can control minds. This sentence lacks the drama and ompf I think it's meant to have, or that it could have. It feels, too, as if this final confrontation is meant to be the climax of the story. If so, it might be worth saying a word or two more. "Both sisters must over come... to prevail..." blah blah. Also, what is their motive at this point, to escape? Get revenge for their uncle? Stop the Inquisition? Reveal the IG's use of Mentalism? Simply swap minds again? This might help liven the query, since it makes us care about the sisters again.
I am seeking representation for Crucible and Cauldron (95,000 words), a complete fantasy novel set in a world of alchemy and witchcraft not sure "world of alchemy..."is needed. You've made it clear already in the description.. This is my first novel, but I have extensive experience in technical writing. SASE enclosed. I hate to say it, but I'm afraid mentioning technical writing experience might turn off some agents. Also, skip the "SASE enclosed." Better to just show you know the industry by including the SASE, maybe.
posted
Actually I'd spell out all numbers, since that is the normal practice in novels. I'd do the same in a query. A "mysterious inquisitor" running who is "running from the inquisition" is confusing. I am afraid I find your entire query confusing and I can't really figure your story out. I don't mean to be harsh, but I read it twice and couldn't figure out your plot. I think maybe you are giving a little too much detail, or trying to, then since you don't have room to explain it, the detail just confuses.
For instance: However, the bonds of loyalty shatter when Marta confronts her sister. She flees and struggles to regain her memory.
Using what little witchcraft Rosa learned from her mother, she discovers the dragon is her sister and tracks it across the land.
Didn't they already meet when "Marta confronts her sister?" Shouldn't rosa have discovered it was her sister before? Why did she track it if she didn't know it was her sister? Seems a bit dumb to go around tracking a dragon and I kept wondering how she could "track it" since I thought you implied the dragon could fly (they usually can).
So all of this just confused me. I *think* my suggestion would be to simplify it especially since your query is close to 300 words which is a bit on the long side anyway.
Hope this helps and sorry it's a bit vague.
[This message has been edited by JeanneT (edited October 25, 2007).]
posted
You picked, IMHO, a hard place to start a query -telling me what the MC doesn't want. You then don't tell me details that would help me understand the rest.
My take:
quote:
11-year old Marta wants to fly, but she gets what she wanted in the worst possible way. Her sister, 16-year old Rosa wants a quiet life, but she gets the opposite when forced to rescue her family from the Inquisition. I'd cut this
The sisters live high in the mountains, when a mysterious inquisitor arrives and turns out to be their uncle running from the inquisition. wait the Uncle is an inquisitor AND running from the inquisition? I'm confused already He is shot in front of their family, but not before he casts strange magic what magic? This is a query - tell me. Rosa doesn't have to know yet for it to be in the query. on Rosa.
Desperate to know if their uncle told anyone the secret what secret? he knew, the Inquisitor General throws their whole family in prison I can see torturing them for the information but just tossing them in jail? . Rosa barely manages to escape by drawing on a mysterious physical prowess what that she never had before and discovers how? her uncle embedded his mind into her psyche, allowing her to access his skills as a champion fencer okay so that's the skill, I should probably learn that earlier . She also learns the secret he discovered; the Inquisitor General is using a forbidden magic called Mentalism I care less about the name than what ii does to spread the Church's influence across the world. You finally hooked me
Knowing Rosa possesses the secret How? Just because she escapes , the Inquisitor General uses Mentalism to switch Marta's mind with a dragon's. He erases her memories and alters her mind to be loyal to him. all of this confused me However, the bonds of loyalty hu? shatter when Marta confronts her sister how? . She flees and struggles to regain her memory.
Using what little witchcraft Rosa learned from her mother okay I should know this earler , she discovers the dragon is her sister didn't she confront her sister in the paragraph before? And she missed that the sister looked - oh - dragon-ish ? I am confused by what is happening and tracks it across the land. Finally reunited, they confront the Inquisitor General how . It seems an easy task to a dragon and a champion fencer, but the General can control minds so do they win? .
I liked IB's cut on it.
Maybe:
When the Inquisition arrives in her mountain village, eleven-year old Marta's uncle transfers his knowledge and magical abilities to her before he dies. {name), the Inquisitor General, desprate to discover if the Uncle passed on his knowledge that the (name) is using forbidden mind control magic to enslave the world for imprisons and tortures Marta and her familty. Due to her uncle's strange "gift," Marta manages to wrestle a sword from one of the guards and escape.
Convinced that Marta knows the truth (name) recaptures her. He then uses his mind magic to erase her memories and compel her obediance. As a test of his control, (Name) sends Marta to execute her sixteen year old sister, Rosa. But rather than assasinate Rosa, (Somehow) Marta breaks free of his will and regains her memories.
Marta realizes that (name) has changed Rosa into a dragon and tracks Rosa. United, the two vow to overthrow and expose (Name). At the church of ______ (or appropriate location), they challenge(Name). He uses is mind control to _________. But they are able to overcome his nefarious plan and _________. (Or other satisfying resolution).
Hope it helps.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 26, 2007).]
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