posted
Okay, I posted here last May with my first 13, but hadn't really done any writing yet. A few things have changed since then--the story, for one, and the fact that I've actually written three chapters, with a goal to finish the first draft by my birthday in May. So tell me what you think:
He came into the world screaming—his very first memories. Behind his tightly clenched eyelids, there was a reddish light that seared through to his tiny, rapidly beating heart. The anguish! He’d been in Paradise, in the company of the heavenly host, warm and peaceful…eternal. And suddenly he’d felt himself pushed, pulled, sucked into a close, pitch darkness, and then pushed out again, into that light…it hurt him. It burned, but not his skin. His insides, his…spirit. His spirit burned. He couldn’t stop crying. The grief tore at him, but he didn’t know for what or whom he grieved. All he knew was that he had to get out of that light…
And then it was gone. Blessed relief. He tried to open his eyes, struggling to move unfamiliar muscles.
quote: He Who? Name him from the beginning. came into the world screaming— <<<Take out the dash his very first memories. Behind his tightly clenched eyelids, there was a reddish light that seared through to his tiny, rapidly beating heart. <<<I suggest beginning the sentence with the subject: The reddish light. Also, is the reddish light coming from his eyes or his heart? Perhaps you should ditch the part about his eyelids altogether. The anguish! <<<This is a fragment. To make it a complete sentence, I'd suggest: Oh, the anguish he felt! or something along those lines. He’d been in Paradise, in the company of the heavenly host, <<<Replace comma with semicolon warm and peaceful…<<<Perhaps an em dash (--) would be better suited. eternal. And suddenly he’d felt himself pushed, pulled, sucked into a close, pitch darkness, and then pushed out again, <<<Ditch the comma into that<<<the light…it hurt him. <<<Consider simplifying like so: ...into the light that hurt him. It burned, but not his skin. His insides burned, his… <<<Take out the dots spirit yearned. <<<Notice how I put in the words burned and yearned as examples. Whichever words you choose, you need verbs in those spots to make the sentence complete. His spirit burned.<<<Redundant He couldn’t stop crying. <<<Why not say He cried and cried. This would show us him doing it right now. The grief tore at him, but he didn’t know for what or whom he grieved. All he knew was that he had to get out of that light…
And then it was gone. <<<What was gone? The light? If so, then say: And then the light was gone. What a blessed relief. He tried to open his eyes, struggling to move unfamiliar muscles.
A few more comments:
1) We need to know who it is you're talking about. What is his name? Unless it's someone very specific, like Jesus, than don't withhold the name because it will be no surprise otherwise.
2) Try to use less dots (...) and less commas. Place the subject first in each sentence and avoid sentence fragments. For example: Blessed relief is a sentence fragment because there is no noun.
3) Describe this as happening in the present instead of in the past. For example, instead of saying: there was a reddish light that seared through, say: a reddish light seared through.
4) Is this a baby being born? I didn't pick up on this at first because I was distracted by the structuring of your sentences.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 16, 2008).]
quote: He [Who?]came into the world screaming—his very first memories.<--[Disjointed. I think what you're trying to say is: [Name's] first memory was coming into the world screaming, but that is NOT what you are saying] Behind his tightly clenched eyelids, there was a red[dish<--[Is it "red" or not?] light that seared through to his tiny, rapidly beating heart.<--[Eh? A red light burned through to his heart?] The anguish! He’d been in Paradise, in the company of the heavenly host, warm and peaceful…eternal. And suddenly he’d felt himself pushed, pulled, sucked into a [close,<--[Cramped?] pitch darkness, and then pushed out again, into that light[…it hurt him.<--[Separate sentence.] It[What?] burned, but not his skin. His insides, his…spirit.<--[Long way of saying: The red light burned his spirit.] His spirit burned.<--[Redundant.] He couldn’t stop crying. The grief tore at him, but he didn’t know for what or whom he grieved.<--[I don't either, so this confuses me.] All he knew was that he had to get out of that light…<--[This is your THIRD set of ellipsis in a short paragraph. It's officially distracting.]
And then it [What?] was gone. Blessed relief. He tried to open his eyes, struggling to move unfamiliar muscles.
I don't have a protagonist to get behind. Most of what you have here is either vague or redundant.
1) Why are you starting with a birth/rebirth? Is it really necessary?
2) If it's necessary, why? Think this out before you write it, so only the pertinent--and not the confusing--information is revealed.
3) Thisn starts off like a flashback. If it's really important to show the birth, show the birth as it happens, not as he remembers it.
4) Being born/reborn is not a new concept, but the red light that burns the soul is. That seems to be the point of this part. Does it stay vague? Is there a purpose for this memory? Can it be threaded throughout the rest of the story? <--Answer these to/for yourself, and it will help you clarify things. Remember, we are not in your mind to see what you're imagining, give us the clearest sentences you can to allow us to form a concise picture of what you are seeing.
5) I agree with the overused ellipsis. Their regularity quashes the dramatic effect.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 16, 2008).]
posted
I agree about the elipses, they distract ME when I go back to read this first part.
The reddish light that pierces through to his heart is intentional, and there's a reason for it. But we don't find out about that reason until several chapters into the story. The memory is a kind of stream-of-conscious thing, hence the sentence fragments and elipses (although, like I said at first, I agree about the fact that there are too many of those. Hey, I grew up reading Barbara Cartland romance novels. I have to take it one day at a time. ).
Here is a slightly modified version. I've gotten rid of all but one elipse. I don't want to name the person at this point, as (IMO) it tells too much right at the beginning (this is the first thirteen of probably a page and a half of prologue.). I have tried to clarify the light piercing the soul bit, though.
He came into the world screaming. His very first memory was of a reddish light that seared through his tightly closed eyelids and pierced his tiny, rapidly beating heart—his very soul. The anguish! He’d been in Paradise, in the company of the heavenly host, warm and peaceful—eternal. And suddenly he’d felt himself pushed, pulled, sucked into a close, pitch darkness, and then pushed out again, into that light. It hurt him. It burned, but not his skin. It was his insides, his <i>spirit</i> that burned. He couldn’t stop crying. The grief tore at him, but he didn’t know for what or whom he grieved. All he knew was that he had to get out of that light…
And then darkness wrapped him once again. Blessed relief.
[This message has been edited by sesavage (edited February 18, 2008).]
quote:pierced his tiny, rapidly beating heart—his very soul.
Are you saying that his physical heart is his soul, or that the light pierced him to very soul as well as to his heart?
In the first version, I thought the thirteen lines were about an angel or human soul being pulled from heaven and born as a baby. This revised version is too vague for me to be engaged by it. I can't visualize what's happening. In fact, I'm not even certain what is happening to this being. All I know is that a heavenly being is remembering his arrival to a "new [to him] world" that is never named and that the experience was traumatic. If that's all you mean to convey, you could do it in a lot fewer words.
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So tell me what you think:
