posted
Was bored during work and had some inspiration strike me. This may be the seed for a new world and I may make it into a novel some day, but for now it's just the 13 lines. Looking for critique on what I have here since at the moment there is nothing else.
Fire and blood, that is what he saw. The landscape that stretched out before him existed as a living hell, reminding him of what he had lost, what he had given up. He had told himself that he had saved the world. That he had given up what he loved for the sake of what he loved. He had done the right thing. Looking at his new home, the words rang hollow. Sander. This wasn’t his world. He refused to believe that Arnos had a place like this within it. “Sander, are you listening?” asked the man coming up the hill. “Have you come to kill me Ladon?” asked Sander. “Now what would be the fun in that, we have an eternity together now. Can't we be friends?”
Originally submitted in the short story section as untitled, but for some reason has been so far ignored. I just wanted to see if actually giving it a title would make a difference.
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 28, 2008).]
posted
Interesting premise, enemies stranded together in a hellish place. But IMHO the opening is weak. I can’t picture the landscape. I’d rather see the first “he” replaced by Sander’s full name. The phrases “reminding him of what he had lost, what he had given up” and “he had given up what he loved for the sake of what he loved” are vague and repetitive.
If we are fully in Sander’s POV, you don’t need to say he “told himself” – you could express it as internal dialogue. That would fit better with “words” that ring hollow.
It took awhile to realize that the first “Sander” was spoken; it needs quotes.
Maybe a comma after “kill me”? Do you need “now” twice in the last line?
posted
Honestly, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I'm not hooked, though the premise seems like it could be intriguing. The description of the landscape is rather flat. We have a lot of grandiose actions alluded to, but nothing really substantial to bite our teeth into. I guess I can't really see where this story is going.
Fire and blood, that is what he saw. The landscape that stretched out before him existed as a living hell, reminding him of what he had lost, what he had given up. He had told himself that he had saved the world. That he had given up what he loved for the sake of what he loved. He had done the right thing. Looking at his new home, the words rang hollow. Sander.At first I thought this was the name of his world. This wasn’t his world. He refused to believe that Arnos had a place like this within it. “Sander, are you listening?” asked the man coming up the hill. “Have you come to kill me Ladon?” asked Sander. “Now what would be the fun in that, we have an eternity together now. Can't we be friends?”
posted
Good concept. I would like more of a description of the landscape. for me the best part was the end...it reads like the end of a short story...however I like the idea of it as a begining.
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