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This novel is the story of Rachel, a young women who gets a job teaching English in Japan. It begins prior to her departure. Would love some feedback, so please email me if you have time to read my first chapter and send comments! ______
Mason was playing the guitar when I arrived, one leg propped up on the edge of his desk. He didn't hear me come in. His eyes were closed, his callused hands working their way up and down the fret board with the ease of decades of practice. When he saw me, his face exploded in a grin. “Rachel! I wasn’t expecting you today.” He ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair. “It was a surprise to me, too. They only called me about an hour ago.” He leaned the guitar against a paint-spattered shelf and rolled a small wooden chair at me. “Who’s the delinquent one this time?” “Sandy Mitchell.” The chair’s ancient hinges creaked as I sat
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 13, 2008).]
I liked what I read so far. The character of Mason was pretty strong right from the start. I was, however, wishing I knew more about Rachel. How does she feel about Mason? Is there a little romantic tension there? The line "Who's the deliquent one this time?" led me to assume that the relationship was purely buisness.(Even though I had no idea what that question meant. Deliquent? Huh?) Anyway, that smile that exploded on Mason's face hinted at some kind of romantic tension and I wanted Rachel to have a reaction, one way or another. It was in first person, but I didn't really feel inside her head. And not just about Mason, the whole scene felt a bit cinematic. We didn't hear Rachel's thoughts at all. Last thing is kind of a nit. Right after Mason says "I wasn't expecting you today," why does he run a hand through his hair? It felt a bit awkward for me. It just felt out of place. Overall, good job. It sounds like a pretty fun premise.
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"Mason was playing the guitar when I arrived, one leg propped up on the edge of the desk."
This seems awkward to me, did you arrive with one leg propped up on the desk? I know what you mean here, but the sentence is awkward. "...his leg propped up on the edge of the desk." or "When I arrived Mason was playing the guitar, one leg propped up on the desk."
"...hands working their way up and down..." Should be "hand" since the other hand is strumming.
"The chair's ancient hinges creaked as I sat" Here you are both telling us and showing us. Delete ancient, if the chair creaks this conveys a sense of age.
"...with the ease of decades of practice." I think this should be written "...with ease from decades of practice."
"...face exploded in a grin." Exploded is a bit strong here and goes against the grain of the tenor of the opening - guitar playing - music - in general a serene setting.
Not bad, has me curious enough to want to read on.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 15, 2008).]
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