I'm not the best choice for reviewing a fantasy query, but: the writing style quite clear. I'd want to know who or what the The Phoenix is. The whole story is written around protecting The Phoenix, but I don't know why. It's just assumed we know.

I'd also like to know a bit about how "the key" was discovered. Do they have to protect the gateway forever?

I'm not too hot on the character title "The Cunning One."

I understand that the first line is intended to be enticing, but it didn't work for me. It felt a little too abstract, and I found myself thinking, so? What great power? So what if few know of it? Also, it's not backed up by what follows. Magic doesn't seem rare or hidden--in fact, we have The Cunning one, a mage, and warrior prince, and presumably, the Phoenix, who are well aware of magic. And the fact that no one knows about this struggle is never brought up again.

And why are these men set on saving the Phoenix? How is it to their advantage?

Some more thoughts:

Three strangers are thrust together by a common enemy - the Cunning One - who seeks to steal the immortality and magic of the Phoenix. But uniting will not be easy for these men. Nicolai, a peasant with a powerful secret, seeks only to protect the woman he loves from danger. Marcellus, warrior prince, rebels against magic and insists only military strength will defeat their enemy. Corren, the true heir, is a powerful wizard whose ambitions threaten to ruin them all.

Their quest leads them deep into hidden worlds of magic as they seek to find out what they must do to protect the Phoenix. Once they learn the Cunning One is Corren's powerful sage Aradia I'm not sure I understand "Corren's powerful sage"--do you mean "mentor"? I'm not sure what it means to be a sage of someone., they fear they are destined to fight a battle they cannot win. But fight they will. They learn the key lies in protecting the Gateway leading to the Phoenix and draw on every magical and military resource to defend it. Meanwhile, Corren understands the thirst for power that drives Aradia, and fears the same corruptive desires lurk in his own heart.

Struggling to overcome Aradia's betrayal and the strife that still exists between them, they suffer an astouding astounding failure maybe just cut this line since you tell us what the failure is in the next sentence. Aradia shatters through the Gateway and the Three hastily this adverb doesn't add much here pursue her into the hidden Realm of the Phoenix. There they must unite I'm confused... I thought they'd already united, however reluctantly, to protect the Phoenix?, or be destroyed.

Hope this helps! Good luck. It seems like an interesting story.

Is your novel complete?

What is the name of the kingdom/land in which they live?

quote:

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My novel, Gift of the Phoenix is complete at XXXXXX words. It's an epic fantasy, which I wrote as a stand-alone novel, but left plenty of room for a sequel.

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For the body of the hook, I advise keeping it simple. A powerful right cross gets a knockout better than fifty jabs. Make them want to read the manuscript to find out about all those details. You have a lot of fluff, but very little relevant information. Here's an attempt at sorting your hook out:

quote:

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In the land of X, where magic is rare, the Cunning One embarks on a mad quest for power. Three strangers--Marcellus the warrior prince, Corren the wizard, and Nicolai the peasant--must overcome great odds, end their own enmity, and unite in the Realm of the Phoenix, or all hope is lost.

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Hope that helps.

That said, I agree with WouldBe that the Cunning One doesn't really resonate as a memorable antagonist. I also agree with annepin that sage doesn't really mean anything. Mentor, teacher, master all imply something--sage means wise.

Once again, good luck.

The main sticking point with this query is, it says too much about the story. Can't remember where I heard it, here even maybe, a query shouldn't outline what happens in the entire novel, but give an idea of what it's about. I've read a query should consist of three paragraphs. One about why you have chosen that particular agent :Ex. I am writing to you because you represent BOOK, by AUTHOR, and I feel my novel is similar.

Second paragraph should consist of no more than three sentances, refering to the story. Where it takes place, when it takes place, a short description of what it is about. The authors abilty to condense the story into a few lines shows his or her ability to write a good story.

Third paragraph is authors bio.

quote:

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I would love to send you part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

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I suggest beginning this here: Thank you for your time...

The first sentance is unnecassary.

quote:

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GIFT OF THE PHOENIX is a multiple-viewpoint epic fantasy, which takes us deep into the heart of a wondrous world and the three men destined to defend it. I wrote this novel as a stand-alone, but left plenty of room for a sequel which is already loosely planned. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Writing from X College, where I also served as Editor-in-Chief of the award-winning literary magazine, X.

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I think saying it's mulitple-viewpoint is unnecassay, and hopefully, you've already told the agent its an epic fantasy. The bit I put in bold would perhaps slip better into the story synopsis, tweaked, it will tell us a lot about the story.

This is a stand alone novel, with sequal potential. This is more concise, and the agent doesn't need to know you may or may not have the sequal planned. If you want to mention it, I would suggest saying it is in production, wrather than loosely planned, which sound more like you don't really have any plans for it.

I'd suggest putting genre, title and word length at the beginning. Genre and word lenght are probably the first thing an agent looks for. If it's the wrong genre for them, they wont want to read a full letter to find this out, and if its way too long, for example, 250,000 words, same again.

Sorry I've gone on a bit long about this. I've written some bad queries in that past, and as they are the first thing an agent or editor sees, I now know how important it is for us to get them right. Please feel free to ingore anything I've written.

Good luck with this query.

Louise.

Welcome--and, great handle.

I comment with no experience of writing agent queries. My impressions were:

It seems to be partly blurb for the back cover, partly query. Blurb should perhaps entice with vague teasers, but I think the query should describe, in a direct fashion, the story elements that are unique, that will make the story sell. Thus, I think this query should be specific about what the great power is; what the Phoenix is; why the three main characters are in conflict with each other; why, despite a common enemy, it should be so hard for them to unite--and most important, what will happen if they fail. (Being destroyed is rather generic.)

(Also, I wondered why Marcellus would believe that military strength will win over magic. Surely that's naive? Then again, I don't read a great deal of fantasy so I could be misunderstanding it.)

I'm reminded of the thread in 'Open Discussions' about adverbs and adjectives. I think that being specific in this query, rather than using adjectives like 'great', 'wondrous' and 'deep' (there are three 'deeps') might help. I fear these adjectives are cliches, or allusions to such. For example, don't tell the agent that the world is wondrous, show what's wondrous about it.

It took me two or three readings to get the connection between Corren, Aradia and the Cunning One, and I suspect it's because the query reflects the multiple-viewpoint style--which makes me concerned for the author's ability to deliver multiple POVs successfully.

Your bio should be a separate para from the other material. And, as IB says, word count and status (finished or WIP) should be mentioned.

I thought this was a useful thread on query letters. It includes a format which to me looked good.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/004365.html

Here's a quick example of a query I'm planning to write for a YA novel once its been edited.

quote:

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Living with his alcoholic mother, Lenny could never have imagined a world in which the American war of Independance is ongoing, and William the Conqueror was beaten at the battle of Hastings, until he found himself there. He must learn how to survive in a world very different to his own. He soon realises he must teach his new friends how wrong their way of life is, and strives to change it for the better.

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I think it sums up the plot in three sentances, and tells the agent all they need to know about the story.

I think it might be a good execise for people to try this with their novels, see how much information they can get in a few sentances.

Let me see if I can do it taking what I can from your second query.

When an chilling prophecy is revealed, telling of a plan to steal the magic of the Phoenix, giving the stealer great power, an uneasy allince is formed between three strangers, who must fight to prevent this. They must draw on every magical resource they can to prevent the Gateway to the Realm of Phoenix being breached. One man realises the power to stop this may lie in the magical stone in his posession, but is forced to contemplate his own sacrifice in the process.

It's not brilliant, but its an example of what can be done.

Hope this helps.

Louise.

Edit: I edited out the last sentance because it didn't read the way I intended.

quote:

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When a chilling prophecy and three mysterious stones come to the ambitious wizard Corren, the humble farmer Nicolai, and the intimidating Prince Marcellus, an uneasy alliance is formed. The prophecy warns of the Cunning One who plans to steal the magic of the Phoenix, thereby gaining immortal life and nearly limitless power. As the Phoenix’s only time of vulnerability approaches, the Three race to find out what they must do to protect it, what role their elusive stones play, and who their enemy truly is. Once they learn the Cunning One is Corren’s powerful sage, Aradia, they fear they are destined to fight a battle they cannot win. But fight they will. They decide they must prevent Aradia from breaking through the magical Gateway leading to the Realm of the Phoenix, and draw on every military and magical resource available to defend it.

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You might want to only use this first paragraph in your query and leave out the rest. Otherwise, the second paragraph needs a bit of re-writing, IMO. Something like:

quote:

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As the stones slowly reveal their strange powers, Corren realizes his stone may grant the victory they need but claim his own life in the process. I'd suggest re-writing the following sentences to say why he would or wouldn't chose to oppose Aradia (i.e. we need to know the personal stakes). The last sentence doesn't make as much sense to me as it should, so maybe change the last sentence something like, "Corren's stone fails to work as he expected, and Aradia shatters through the Gateway. The Three hastily pursue her into the hidden Realm of the Phoenix for the final confrontation."

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Hope this helps.