Staring across the tan dustbowl, Ranyk tried to catch a glimpse of wind stirring the powdered, sterilized dirt. He liked watching it snake across the ground in thin sheets and drift behind rocks, always moving to a new place. Move, settle, drift. He only wished it would accomplish something more interesting than sand dunes in all its travels. To the horizon, not a sign of life existed. The only movement was the wind, and even that was sporadic. So thin was the atmosphere on this planet, stars were visible all day, except just around the sun. A breeze stirred some of the powder around Ranyk’s boots, and he wondered how many times it had made its way around the planet. There was nothing to stop it from going around and around forever; no oceans to dissolve it, no geothermal

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 27, 2008).]

This work is about 90 pages so far, and if anyone wants pages 1-20 to critique, it would be appreciated.

I like the fact that up until the last bit, you more or less assume the MC is some planatary ecologist or something, and then you find out its a kid.

quote:

---

Staring across the [tan dustbowl<--On first read, I took this as a special kid of bowl--like on a table.], Ranyk tried to catch a glimpse of wind stirring the powdered, [sterilized dirt<--Eh? I'm having a hard time with this concept. I suppose you could put dirt in a sterilizer, but I'd have to have a good reason.] He liked watching it snake across the ground in thin sheets and drift behind rocks, always moving to a new place.<--[Is this important? It seems humdrum.] Move, settle, drift. He only wished it would accomplish something more interesting than sand dunes in all its travels.<--[I'm bored by this point. I've heard a lot about sand in the wind, and nothing about why.] To the horizon, not a sign of life existed.<--Eh? From the Horizon's PoV?] The only movement was the wind, and even that was sporadic.<--Redundant.] So thin was the atmosphere on this planet, stars were visible all day, except just around the sun.<--This should be the second or third sentence. It's the first indicationn of anything out of the mundane.[/b]] A breeze stirred some of the powder around Ranyk’s boots, and he wondered how many times it had made its way around the planet.<--[Again with the wind/sand???] There was nothing to stop it from going around and around forever; no oceans to dissolve it, no geothermal<--Too little; too late.]

---

I stumbled on a few sentences, as you can tell. My biggest problem is, I don't believe anything worth reading about is going to happen, and I don't know enough about Ranyk to care. The two main questions you have to answer for me are: Who is your protagonist? And, Why is he/she here? You failed to do that. What I did get--and it would be enough hook for some--is he's on a planet that he is alien to. Why? To watch the meandering sands? Surely not. As it sets, I see a copy of Frank Herbert's Arrakis, only with less to attract me to it.

If, as you say, a paragraph or two would answer those two main question, why aren't you starting there?

Staring across the plain, Ranyk watched the tan dust snake across the ground, pushed by the thin atmosphere. It would drift and settle, accomplishing nothing more interesting than sand dunes. Some of it stirred around his boots, and he wondered how many times the sterile soil had circumnavigated the planet. There were no oceans to dissolve it, no geothermal activity to melt it, no asteroids in the system to crash into the surface and blast it into orbit. Ranyk struggled to conceive such a number. Discovering a planet’s age in billions of years was easy. His parents had taught him radioisotope dating years ago and it was his first chore on a new planet. But he was only twelve, and comparing cosmic time frames with his half-billion seconds of life escaped him.