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Kathy floored the gas as her little 1999 Escort climbed the hill that took the traffic of Anderson Street over the railroad tracks towards Loma Linda Medical Center, but the mice didn’t pedal any faster. Was he dead, or was he alive? She didn’t even think of Spain. What did their trip matter now? The Escort had slowed to the speed limit by the time she reached the top. Loma Linda’s foothills were looking particularly dirty today. The hot dry summer had burned them brown; the hot opaque air had antiqued them with gray. It was a bad omen.
Her dad was only 76. Young enough to prune the apricot tree, to ride a boogie board at Huntington Beach, to play hide and seek with the grandkids. Too young to be lying in the emergency room with a stroke. Sometimes Kathy felt older than
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 29, 2009).]
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I enjoyed it. The main thing that stuck out to me was the first sentence. It felt clunky, and too long. Perhaps cut it into two sentences, or use a few more 'pauses'.
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The "mice didn't pedal any faster." Kind of lost me. I understand it's not really mice, but for some reason I thought it was. If no one else stumbled over it, it's probably not a big deal
Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
A nice hook, though a few things stuck out to me:
"as her little 1999 Escort climbed the hill that took the traffic of Anderson Street over the railroad tracks towards Loma Linda Medical Center" -- this sounds like a run-on even though it isn't. Also, the almost poetic repetition of "the" makes it feel like you're describing something terribly generic, even though this isn't the case. You could retool this to be less specific: "climbed the Anderson Street hill towards Loma Linda Medical Center."
"The hot dry summer had burned them brown; the hot opaque air had antiqued them with gray" -- Repetition of "The hot" works against you here. Let the air just be opaque; if the summer is hot, the air probably is too. Also, I've never seen "antique" verbed before... I don't hate it; I've just never seen it before.
quote:Kathy floored the gas as her little 1999 Escort{{'floored the gas' doesn't read right to me--perhaps, 'smashed the gas...or floored the pedal'. Also I would call it her " '99 Escort" }}climbed the hill that took the traffic of Anderson Street{{I would simlplify this, "Anderson St. Traffic".}} over the railroad tracks towards Loma Linda {{Name bugged me a bit}}Medical Center, but the mice didn’t pedal any faster. Was he dead{{Who, the mouse?}}, or was he alive? She didn’t even think of Spain.{{So why mention it. It is confusing. Too much going on.}} What did their trip matter now? The Escort had slowed to the speed limit by the time she reached the top. Loma Linda’s foothills were looking particularly dirty today. The hot dry summer had burned them brown; the hot opaque air had antiqued them with gray. It was a bad omen. Her dad was only 76.{{???Is he the one dying in the car...or the mouse...or both? I would focus on clarifying the who's in the car rather than the appearance of antiquity in the hillside.}}Young enough to prune the apricot tree, to ride a boogie board at Huntington Beach, to play hide and seek with the grandkids. Too young to be lying in the emergency room with a stroke.{{Ok, so he is not in the car, she is rushing to see him. So the mice are metaphor or they are actually in the car...a fantasy turbo booster?}} Sometimes Kathy felt older than
Overall, I felt there was way to much going on in this intro to be clear. The jumbledness made me lose sight of the elements. I would polish this down to explain who is in the car(model not terribly important, but OK) Who or what else is in the car(If important) and the purpose of her urgency(and how she may feel about it without showing us every though that runs through her head.)
I am sensing that this is a fantasy story...omen...the potential of actual mice propelling the vehicle? but they weren't that clear either. I would prefer a hint of one, but don't always expect it in the first thirteen. I would just make it clearer if in fact she is a witch or has powers or something. That can be done without violating POV since it so closly follows her.
Otherwise I like the prose, and you have a sense for the story. I just think this was a little crammed.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 09, 2009).]
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Welcome to Hatrack BTW. It is nice to have you. As always, my opinion is like a grain of salt. Take it for what it is worth as it is likely subject to change without warning Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Nice story telling....what would work better for me in pacing is to stop the first sentence here.>>Kathy floored the pedal on her little '99 Escort as she climbed the hill of Anderson Street.{Stop} She sped over the railroad tracks towards Loma Linda Medical Center, but the mice didn’t pedal any faster. Don't use my stuff necessarily, but if you keep your sentences short and choppy, I think you add a sense of urgency that matches the pace and tone that is implied by Kathy's distress....nice story
ps you can make this an active thought by putting quotes >>[i....without dot and words only use the i]and this [/i again only slash i]...for example Was he dead, or was he alive? these active thoughts make the story hookier
[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 09, 2009).]
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I know this may be very nit picky, and feel free to ignore me, but I had a problem with the lines about the trip to Spain. If she didn't even think about her trip to Spain, why is she she thinking that the trip doesn't matter? If she is thinking that the trip doesn't matter, then she IS thinking about the trip. It just makes me raise an eyebrow to point out what she is NOT thinking about; the very act of pointing it out contradicts your assertion.
This may be a POV issue. Whose thoughts are we hearing? Are we inside your character's head, or are we listening to your narrator? You can't have your character think about what she is not thinking about - it's physically impossible Your narrator can point that out, but of course, your reader has to know the difference.
Of course, if I'm the only one who is bothered by those two sentences, close your ears and carry on!
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Lucy, your not the only one. It took me out too. Hi Mom (or do I call you Sharon. Mom, seems a bit informal and implies a level of familiarity that doesn't paint an accurate picture of the true nature of our relationship)
quote: She didn’t even think of Spain. What did their trip matter now?
I think this sentence is missing the infinitive form of one verb. Try it like this and it works better:
quote: She didn’t even want to think of Spain. What did their trip matter now?
posted
I really like Christian's suggestion. It's a small change that makes a big difference.
By the way, Sharon - or should I say "Mom?" (It feels a little weird critiquing "Mom" ... plus there was that one time in second grade when I accidentally called my teacher "Mom" and never managed to live it down. haha) I just wanted to add that I enjoyed your first 13, and I applaud the courage it takes to a) write, and b) put your creation out there for people to critique. Write on!
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Your narrator can point that out, but of course, your reader has to know the difference. 
