posted
I've posted the first 13 lines of my current work in progress below. It is fairly straight forward fantasy, and I'm curious to see what the folks here have to offer in way of critique and criticism. I've a thick skin, so don't be afraid of offending me. Thanks in advance.
Raife crumpled to the blood and **** soaked earth, the shaft of a cruelly barbed Lyrish arrow protruding from his chest. He tried to cry out for his troops to press onward but his lungs were full of fire and blood. He wondered if he would ever see any of his men again. The silver shore was promised by the clerics of Baedan, Lord Patron of fools and soldiers alike, but he had never believed in any of that shaet. His lack of faith intact, Chan Raife, general of all Heynish forces south of the Milkwater promptly slipped the mortal coil. His only fanfare was the death screams of men and horses as Lyrish arrows salted the bloody ground.
Raife awoke in his camp tent, his chest bound tight with foul smelling bandages. He tried to get to his feet, and dress, for
Second Draft posted below. I'm leaving the first up so the changes are more obvious.
Raife crumpled to the blood and **** soaked earth, the shaft of a cruelly barbed Lyrish arrow protruding from his chest. He cried out for his troops to press onward but his lungs were full of fire and blood. Gasping in liquid heaves he wondered if he would ever see any of his men again. Most of them believed silver shore was promised to fallen soliders, but Raife had never believed in any of that shaet. His lack of faith intact, Chan Raife promptly slipped the mortal coil. His only fanfare was the death screams of men and horses as Lyrish arrows salted the bloody ground.
Raife awoke in his camp tent, his chest feeling as if he's been tramplef by a clavary charge and then set ablaze. He tried to
[This message has been edited by jmgilliard (edited March 25, 2009).]
To me, this is a cliche - I've just been tricked into reading something interesting that didn't happen, and I'll put the story down and move on.
[Edited to add...] Actually, I guess I could interpret this as not having been a dream sequence, BUT, the character didn't obviously go to sleep or pass out, so I can't tell.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 25, 2009).]
This is the problem with the first 13 lines. It does seem to be a chiche when viewed like this. But Raife does in fact die. I assumed because I am in the omniscient point of view that saying that he died rules out trickery. There is a reason for his waking, and it becomes apparent shortly.
posted
I found the cliche to be the Raife's title and the extended description of Baeden. In reading a number of fantasy fragments, so many of them roll out with long titles and descriptions that take away from the tightness and tension of the situation. Yours is not as obtrusive as many, but I found it intruding on Raife's demise. It certainly wouldn't keep me from reading on.
Having Raife wake up in his tent (waking up unexpectedly has been another cliche, it seems in the past few days on Hatrack) is still good enough for me to push me onward. Seeing how he was brought back to life is hook enough for me, a reader, but I don't know if it is unique enough for an editor.
Your writing is fine. Raife's demise had some very nice pieces, especially the fanfare image.
As far as suggestions? I'd condense or eliminate the Braeden part and take care of his Generalship later on. It's already apparent he is their leader.
posted
The second draft is posted under the first at the begining of the topic. I would love to hear from those who have already commented, and any one else who would like to chime in.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
