"Warren, hurry up! I can't keep this damn thing open for much longer," Cam yelled from across the gate room. Warren ignored him and continued searching the cabinet.
Cam was struggling to keep the gate to Wyren open, but he hadn't opened a gate before. The borders of the portal fluoresced in hues not seen by men, and it expanded and contracted, reflecting his concentration.
The door to the portal chamber burst open, and two proctors burst in. They spotted Cam and ran towards him. Cam tripped. Warren wasn't certain what happened next.
He saw Cam falling across the portal, his body half in, and half out of the portal. Cam screamed and the portal vanished, and with it, half of Cam. Then came the light, and the sound, and then nothing.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 31, 2008).]
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Entry # 2 Title: Springtime for Earth Cam sensed something different the moment he stepped outside the glowing portal, and onto the familiar path that led back to The Academy. Warren sensed the change too; judging by his sharp intake of breathe and wide-eyed look. Cam breathed in the cold winter air-- Canada always smelled like pine trees and snow--and exhaled slowly. "Can you feel that? It's... intoxicating," said Cam , feeling his voice quaver. Warren still looked like a scared rabbit facing down a wolf; eyes darting everywhere at once. "This isn't right, Cam , I'm scared that I'll do something. It wants to come out; wants me to... use it. There wasn't supposed to be any magic here, we--" "Calm down and think a second," said Cam , gripping his friends shoulder. "Think of the possibilities." Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Entry # 3 Title: Oasis of Magic Warren cautiously sat in the strange red, chair. The wooden surface of his desk seemed natural, but plastic was something he couldn’t comprehend. He looked at his friend as knocked on it’s underside. “You said they make this from dead things?” Cam smiled and nodded back. Warren ran his hand under the smooth surface of the chair. “Are you sure they don’t have magic here?” The door to the classroom slammed shut. Master Mage Phelan stepped toward a black board fasten to a wall. “Welcome to Earth. For many of you the sensation of ‘the absence’ must be new to you. Earth is a magical desert. If you learn to master magic here.” Phelan brought out a ball. It hovered in his palm. “And you’ll learn to master control at home.” Phelan held a white stick and pressed it at the blackboard.
Cam is dead. Warren pushed the thought aside. There was no use in dwelling on it. He focused on the crunch of the snow with each step. It didn’t help. He kept seeing Cam’s broken body lying on the ground. He walked faster. If he didn’t get away he would end up the same. A girl materialized in front him. It was Sonja. She had the rare gift of teleportation. “Warren, everyone is looking for you. The teachers say you’ve stolen their power gems. They want to expel you.” Sonja had always been his friend. Hopefully she would believe him. He didn’t want to waste magic in getting away from her. “They’re lying.” He said. He continued walking.
Warren stood in the newly mown grass and looked at the crisp boundary at his feet. A wall of snow rose from the green at the edge of the field. “Not exactly a typical Canadian winter scene.” Cam said as he jumped off the snowbank. “Like I said, there’s something going on. No way this is earthly.” Warren ran his hand along the snow. “Probably not, but if someone’s doing this they really don’t care that people will notice.” He waved his arm toward the field. “After all, the guy mowing this field knows this is a bit unusual...” “and the first PE class is going to be asking questions.” Cam continued.
Snowballs flew without mercy, proving what Warren already suspected. In the heat of battle, his friends had lost sight of the main objective—flirtation. The girls fought valiantly, but Cam had chosen the ambush spot well. Lita and her friends had no shelter from the barrage of snowballs, while the boys hid behind a small copse of trees. The slush next to the school walls made excellent snowballs. He lobbed a wet one at Cam ’s head, and ducked behind a tree. Cam turned around, wiping the back of his neck with a gloved hand, and his puzzled expression made Warren laugh.
Before he could step out of his hiding place, another mind nudged his. “Now?” The red bear tried to whisper her thoughts, but they still overpowered his other senses.
Cameron side-armed another flat rock into the calm waters of the lake. The rock skipped twice, then a third time. Its energy expired, and Cameron flicked his wrist, bringing the rock back to life skipping across the lake. Finally he turned to the younger boy. “What is it?”
“We’re blood brothers, right? I can tell you anything?”
“Always. Made you slit your wrist and seal it in spit, didn’t I? Not even death can keep us apart.” His voice softened. Something was wrong. “What is it, Warren?”
Warren looked down, and kicked at the sand. “This isn’t right. Magic’s supposed to have a price. And-and right now, it doesn’t. Damn it, Cam! Without limits, anything can happen.”
Bernie sat in his room looking out the window. Snow was falling, though not in the school ground, never in the school grounds. When he had been offered this job he had packed a lot of warm clothes; they now lay discarded in his room. It was strange what you never thought about unless someone forced you to. Warren, his star English student, had come to him with a wild tale, a tale of magic, a tale of conspiracy, a tale of murder. Cam Armstrong had disappeared, and it was strange, students at a boarding school did not tend to just disappear. But could Bernie believe what Warren had told him. It was crazy, and Warren was good at stories; Bernie had enjoyed reading the stories he wrote about another world.
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No more submissions. Time to vote. Good job everyone. I was worried when I got my first submission on wednesday. Glad to see the 13 line challenge is a alive and well. Remember, we are chosing the best title and your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place choices (No voting for your own.)
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Crit 1: Cam Shafted I really liked this beginning, and it left me wanting to know more, which for the most part is a really good thing. I wanted to know why Cam had the portal opened, and what happened to Warren after Cam died, and where they were. Good job.
Crit 2: Springtime for Earth I liked this, with one glaring exception: you'd have to do something quickly to make Warren more likeable or you'd lose me.
Crit 3: Oasis of Magic I really liked the way you described common Earth things from an alien PoV.. One part bothered me--
quote:If you learn to master magic here." Phelan brought out a ball. It hovered in his palm. "And you'll learn to master control at home."
I think you need to shorten the beat, and the dialogue would read more smoothly if you lost the conjunctions. "Learn to master magic here...and you'll master control at home."
Crit 4: Hope "Cam is dead."--I like this start. After Sonja arrived on the scene, there was too much telling, and a small PoV issue (wouldn't he just think, "Sonja materialized in front of him." And maybe, "He wished he knew teleportation. It would make escape so much easier." Still, there is a lot of interesting stuff to work with here.
Crit 5: The Gifts of Wyren I like the crisp boundary between the snow and the grass. The idea is strong, the dialogue could be sharpened. Cam jumped off the snowbank. "Something's going on..."
Crit 6: Switching Sides Who are 'the girls'? "Lita and her friends fought valiantly" would be less confusing. Then use "the girls" to start the next sentence. In the last paragraph, it's confusing who 'he' is. Good start.
Crit 7: Bound By Blood I loved the rock skipping. My biggest complaint with this one is that at first Warren seems like he's 9 years old, and a sentence or two later he seemed much older than that.
Crit 8: Principal's Pet I liked the first paragraph. The rest needs to be tightened up some. Maybe if Warren was right there talking to him, instead of Bernie just remembering the conversation.
My picks: Pick 1: Cam Shafted (#1) Pick 2: Oasis of Magic (#3) Pick 3: The Gifts of Wyren (#5)
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited August 03, 2008).]
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Crits: #1- Cam: shafted I like the idea of leading with Cam being killed in the portal. The middle two sentences don’t seem to move that theme forward as well as the first and last.
#2-Springtime for earth Pretty good. It would move better if you showed us what the ‘something different’ was that Cam sensed.
#3-Oasis of Magic I like the bit about the earth technology. Nice. Immediately, puts me there.
#4- Hope
I like this, it grabs me immediately. I would only change the line about Sonja’s teleportation, seems out of place.
#5 The Gifts of Wyren This could move faster, but I like the snow/grass boundary.
#6-- Switching sides The red bear kind of came out of left field for me. I was confused.
#7- Bound by Blood The first line had me wondering if it was just a normal rock skipping or a magical one. My impulse was to re-read that sentence before going on.
#8 Principals Pet I like this but could be a bit more active, though less thinking, more feeling or doing.
First---Hope Second Oasis of magic Third-- cam shafted
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1- Cam: shafted. A lot of repetition: open, gate. With only 13 lines, needs to be tightened. Interesting take on the synopsis, but the writing is too choppy to make we want to read on.
2- Springtime for Earth Breath, not breathe. Like it, despite a few nits. Warren was still scared? When did he start? Eyes darting everyone ?at once? The last line is a good hook.
3- Oasis of Magic Lots of grammar errors. Like the visual of the schoolroom. Thing kind of feels Harry Potter-ish.
4- Hope Choppy sentences. A little smoothing, getting rid of the last tag...could be a good hook.
5- The Gifts of Wyren A couple punctuation errors, but reads rather well. I had to read twice to catch that the snow was the crisp boundary...maybe I'm a little slow.
6- Switching Sides Not a very strong hook, but the writing is good.
7- Bound by Blood Good characterization. The skipping rock part could use some smoothing, but I like this one.
8- Principal's Pet First line was good. You lost my interest a bit at the Cam Armstrong line. Awkward phrasing from there to the end.
TITLE #7- Bound by Blood
First Place- 7 - Bound by Blood
Second Place- 5 - The Gifts of Wyren
Third Place- 2 - Springtime for Earth
Good job to all. Really liked the synopsis, too.
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited August 04, 2008).]
My keyboard hates me today...
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited August 04, 2008).]
posted
Entry # 1 - The actual action in this one is cool and interesting. The POV was really hard for me to pin down. Not sure of a hook. “hues not seen by men” didn’t really work for me.
Entry # 2 - Small hook here, but I’m not sure the characters are terribly sympathetic. “Scared rabbit” thing is probably a little heavy-handed.
Entry # 3 - “Cautiously sat” was awkward for me. Even if plastic is new, would it be scary enough to cause caution? Not really a hook present. I liked the writing (prose and rhythm-wise).
Entry # 4 - I’m not sure the reader will care that Cam is dead at this point. Lot of short sentences makes the flow kind of choppy. There is a good hook here.
Entry # 5 - “newly mown” kind of jarred me right out of the gates. Very faint hook. I like the scene I'm picturing though (line of snow and grass).
Entry # 6 - Good scene, believable scenario. Can’t really find a hook here, no hint of conflict.
Entry # 7 - Having the “Cam?” come before the rock skipping makes it a little harder to follow (disembodied voice). I also don’t get a strong sense of setting, which might not be a big issue. Other than that, awesome job. Good dialogue, clear hook and conflict, some characterization.
Entry # 8 - Interesting take on the synopsis. This feels like pure narration; all telling. I was interested though, and there’s a hook.
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Entry # 1 Cam: shafted. I am hooked. The visual of Cam getting chopped in half is vivid. However I did have the advantage of reading the synopsis. I wonder if I would be hooked without it. Nevertheless, a very good job.
Entry # 2 Springtime for Earth This sounds like a great opening for chapter two. I liked how you worked in the smells of Canada. It added authenticity to it.
Entry # 4 Hope Present tense POV, short sentences interrupting the flow, a little bit of writing down. A few problems but the girl materializing in front of him did capture my interest. Nice job.
Entry # 5 The Gifts of Wyren I liked the title. It says right off the bat that its in a genre I will like. Nice scenery but it doesn’t quite grab my attention like the others
Entry # 6 Switching Sides A snowball fight? Hmmm, nicely written but it also doesn’t grab my like the others.
Entry # 7 Bound by Blood
I loved that visual. I could vividly see the rock skipping across the water. The conflict isn’t there for me though. Not as hooked as the others
Entry # 8 Principal's Pet
This one had potential I thought I was reading the winner but it fell apart for me in the second half. Too telling, too preachy. I loved that first paragraph too.
Favorite title Entry # 5 The Gifts of Wyren First Entry # 1 Cam: shafted. Second Entry # 2 Springtime for Earth Third Entry # 7 Bound by Blood
I had a really hard time picking these. I better not read them again or I’m sure I’ll change my mind
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Springtime for Earth - The punctuation is off, and that's distracting. For example, you have three em-dashes, one of which could be replaced by an elipsis. There are two elipses, missing apostrophes (friends should be friend's) and the semicolon in sentence 2 should, I think, be a comma. This is all just distracting. The dialog is OK, though, and the other prose is fine.
Oasis of Magic - Again, first sentence, punctuation. There shouldn't be a comma between red and chair. With that, I would never read sentence two. Basically, this opening should have been proofread. Sentence three, "as knocked" should be "as he knocked." Phelan's sentence, absent the text, doesn't make a sentence (or two): "If you learn to master magic here and you’ll learn to master control at home.” - Other than all that, if Warren and Cam didn't know what a black board was (implied because black and board are separate words, and because chalk was a "white stick") then they wouldn't equate the blackboard as a "board".
Hope - I like the opening. The short sentences help project the fragmented state of mind that Warren was in. I have a few issues with the prose (specifically handling the introduction of Sonja) but those are minor. The dialog is believable from these characters, especially Warren's response. It feels real.
The Gifts of Wyren - The dialog feels a little forced (No way this is earthly?). I take it that they are on the football pitch? I want to like this, but it loses me.
Switching Sides - I've got a problem with the POV. "He lobbed" I first took to mean Cam (since this is third person and Cam was the last named male). Other than this, it's a nice story, but I get no hook. It's a story about a snowball fight.
Bound by Blood - This is a nice hook. The second paragraph's phrasing is off-putting, especially the second and third sentences. I think that It might read better as "The rock skipped twice, then a third time, its energy expired. Cameron flicked his wrist and brought the rock back to life, skipping across the lake.", though that might not be what was intended. I'm a bear of very little brain, and such things confuse me, and cause me to stop reading.
Principal's Pet - Punctuation issues with this. first sentence needs a comma between room and looking. Does the room look out the window? Second sentence, second comma feels wrong. The sentence that comprises the second paragraph seems off as well. The fourth paragraph, first sentence, needs to end in a question mark ("But could Bernie believe what Warren had told him?")
I don't know. I must be on a punctuation kick today. It's important to me, though.
Favorite Title: Oasis of Magic First: Hope Second: Bound by Blood Third: There is no third pick I would only continue reading two of these hooks.
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Looks like I will have time to slam every entry afterall. Just kidding, all though be forwarned I have been rewriting some scenes in my novel and I am in a bent mood. So take my thoughts as a raving lunitic.
Entry#1-Hands down the most exciting, and great place to start. But, I felt it needed work to make it live up to its potential. POV didnt seem deep rooted enough for me, the second paragraph seemed almost in Cam's, espcially if warren was ignoring him, he woudnlt notice the struggling, the hues reflecting his concentration. Of course it could have been 3rd person Omni, which is hard to follow anyway.
Entry#2-I think the 2nd sentence should have been reversed. Judging by his sharp intake...I also would lose the tag, said Cam, we already know who was talking. And better yet, you showed the quaver in his voice, no need to tell it. Also, yes I hate dailogue tags, you could lose the last one. The beats right there. "Calm down and think a second." Cam gripped his friend's shoulder. "Think ..."
Entry#3-as he knocked on its underside. It's - means it is. Sorry I know this, becuase I had to replace half of them in my novel. fastened. "If you learn to master magic here" The last part was off.
Entry#4-Loved the first two lines.The girl materializing could have been more dramtic. Lose the last tag, he said. The beats right there with him walking. Good job though.
Entry#5-Lose the tag. Again the beats theere. Cam jumped off the snowbank. Warren ran his hand along he snow. I would think the dialogue following should be in the same paragraph.
Entry#6-I liked this, it showed, not told, but showed their ages well, showed what it was like to be a kid again. Loved the first paragraph, remembering flirting, throwing snowballs at the girls you liked--priceless. Really disliked the red bear, it seemed force, not sure what it was, was it a girl's nickname or what. No speculative element but, enjoyed all the same.
Entry#7-Like the characterization of the boys, again showing their age. Strange it was told through Cam's POV, would like to see where this went. A little slow of a start.
Entry#8-Snow was falling-No-Snow fell, is much better, try to elminate as many "was" as you can, your writing will be better for it. I would put a coma after, offered this job, he...Also my main problem with this piece was it was telling, not showing in my opinion. I would have loved to seen this scene played out, with Warren coming into the office strung out that Cam was gone.
Anyways, I hope I wasnt too hard on anyone, if so, I apologise, I do mean well.
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Sorry to take so long getting this out. I was stuck on an uncivilized island full of scary creatures called Long Island. Take my word, avoid that place at all cost.
Best title Oasis of Magic by Snapper
First Bound by Blood by Tiergan
Second Hope by Satate
Third Cam: shafted. by Tommose
The rest
Springtime for Earth by Alliedfive
The Gifts of Wyren by LAJD
Switching Sides by Unwritten
Pricipal's Pet by Grant John
Great job everyone! I'll get the next challenge out this weekend. Hey Grant John, LAJD sent me a synopsis already. If you got one ready send it and I make hers the next one. Please contact me.
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