Hello! My name is Jared, and I am currently working on a story, tentatively titled " Then 2089". I have the first 13 lines posted below, but am looking for someone to read the full short story. It will be a MAXIMUM of three pages, so a short read
____________________ “In other news, the homelessness rate in Apache, and its immediate suburbs, has risen to 70.2 percent over the last three weeks, hitting it’s highest point since January, during the Fear Crisis of 2089. Mayor Thompson is expected to make an appearance at City Hall later this week, with his plan to combat the growing issue.
It’s got to be easy for him,Maria wondered bitterly,sitting in his cushy office, with his two dozen interns waiting on him hand and foott to say all this. He doesn’t have to look at all the bloody, starved food riots, and all the dying children, just laying there in the street, just crying and begging for a box of rice that practically no one can give them because they’re all begging for that same box of rice, and frankly, there are only so many boxes of rice to go around.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Even three pages are a too much for me if you are in any kind of a hurry.
I can see what you are doing but you need some way to show that the Newscast is different from the second paragraph. Maybe you do and didn't it show up here.
Even so it sounds too cliche-ish to me. A well used opening can be done right but it's a little harder. Cut the longer sentences...not sure about the one in the Newscast that is dialogue and it has different rules. But that last one sounds like four sentences put together. I've been told that readers can get bored if a sentence is to compound and usually in the opening shorter is better.
You have emotion there positively, but at the same time try for something more. Maybe she is holding one of the children and describes what she sees. Or she could be in a ward of some type. That could be a bit less cliche-ish.
Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jun 2010
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