Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Newick City - opening

Author Topic: Newick City - opening
Snow Crash
Member # 8114

 - posted      Profile for Snow Crash           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi all.

Been editing and re-editing the first chapter for far too long. I've been switching sentences around here there and everywhere. I'm still not happy with what I've got, but figured I would get some external input from like minded literary types such as your fine selfs. Please notice the charm, and post feedback accordingly :P Seriously though, any feedback would be great. Don't hold back, I'm a big boy..I'm sure I can take it. And if I can't, I have plenty of tissues to mop up the tears. So enjoy...

The muted smokey images started to blur with the reality of the café, and Robin knew it was time to leave. He spilt some change out of his pocket to pay for the coffee and dazed his way over towards the exit.

The Neo café opened onto a sprawling inner-city high street. Robin allowed his senses a moment to adjust to the sudden invasion of glitzy commercialism that lined every street of Newick City. The glaring neon lights caused sensory overload, and starkly contrasted the cities ancient architectual stonework.
Robin ignored the loud hustle and bustle. The neon lights were just a dazzling haze that trailed his vision as he began to meander away from the sweet smell of the café and further into the garbage smell of the streets.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8082

 - posted      Profile for satate   Email satate         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The first sentence was hard for me. I had to keep rereading it and then just moved on. It was too vague, I wanted to know what the smokey images were. I couldn't see it.

I liked your description of the city. I could really see it. There isn't much of a hook, but I generally don't need a big one. In this passage the most interesting part was the description of the city with neon light and old stonework which almost works as a hook for me. A hint of where he is going or why or something would help the hook. Nice work.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8280

 - posted      Profile for Broda           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'll come back with a critique a little later but I agree with satate about there not being much of a hook. It's very Neuromancer-esque (but a little more readable lol) - I like it.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6724

 - posted      Profile for Devnal   Email Devnal         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree with satate.

for some reason I really dislike the first sentence (LoL) wish I could be of more help, I don't know what it is about it...

Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2714

 - posted      Profile for Corky   Email Corky         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just because a sentence sounds cool that doesn't mean it evokes anything for the reader. That first sentence really does sound cool, but I don't get any images at all from it.
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Snow Crash
Member # 8114

 - posted      Profile for Snow Crash           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Lol. Okay, fair enough. The first sentence started the whole thing for me. I came up with that and just went from there, so I feel a little attached to it. But if it's confusing, then it's no good, I'll have to change it.

As far as a hook is concerned, I'm not bothered about that at all. It's only the first 13 lines, so I don't think you need to start with.."The bullet went tearing through his flesh and Robin knew he was about to die," or whatever. A novel needs a build up. I like a slow start, with character and setting. If you're the kind of person who only reads the first 13 lines before deciding to buy a book, then I'm not bothered. I prefer integrity in the story rather than appealing to the short attention spanning masses. I don't want to be Dan Brown

For feedback, I'm more interested in flow. Did it read fairly easily? (apart from the first line). Did it begin to build a picture in your mind? Is the tense and prose correct?

Was there a point where you thought, Who? What? Where? Why? Or did you just read it through? Was it clear or confusing?

Thank you all for your feedback so far. I look forward to more critique

Edit: I was thinking a bit more about the hook. I will break the rules a bit and post the next line. Would adding something like this encourage you to read further? Does it spark deeper interest in the city?

The streets in this part of the city were always littered with resistance progaganda, and Robin found himself peeling a piece of satirical comic from his boot as he stumbled through the bustling crowd.

And then it scrathces the surface of the resistance a little, in minor detail, but hopefully enough to spark further interest. This is for those that wanted a better hook in the first 13.

Thank you all again for feedback, please continue to critique!

[This message has been edited by Snow Crash (edited November 13, 2008).]

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5469

 - posted      Profile for ArachneWeave   Email ArachneWeave         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think this reads fairly well until the neon lights are overly referenced in the last few lines. I'd keep going because there's a...sparkle, for lack of better words, to the setting and situation. I can't see where this is going, but it feels like it's going someplace. So move on and shine the next part! >.<

I know, easy to say...

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

Quick Reply

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins

Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2