Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Antichrist

Author Topic: Antichrist
New Member
Member # 10389

 - posted      Profile for mattb   Email mattb         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
First section of my Horror Novel.

0. The Fool
Silence rang out through narrow halls with a greater presence that any noise could ever manage. It wasn't that there just wasn't any noise; it was that there couldn't be noise. Sound itself didn't exist in that hall right then.
The dream always started that way, and always ended a little further along. Jeremy Grant knew this dream all too well; he'd had the same one for the past week. Each dream began in his hallway, with his legs moving on their own. The last times he'd tried to fight them, without success. So instead, he relaxed and watched the dream play out.
If I just let my legs run themselves out maybe the dreams will stop.
When not concentrating on fighting my legs, I noticed

[ March 03, 2015, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2015  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm guessing you didn't read the rules of the site.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Grumpy old guy
Member # 9922

 - posted      Profile for Grumpy old guy   Email Grumpy old guy         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
mattb, I really think you should read the Please Read Here First section of this site. There is a definite and strictly adhered to limit on the amount of a story you can post.


Posts: 1605 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Have you read the Please, Read Here First topics?

If not, you really need to read them before you post any of your writing for feedback.

Posts: 8541 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay. Now that this is down to a manageable size.

Well, my first thought was that Patrick Rothfuss did the silence opening way better. Possibly not the opening you want for that reason.

Starting with a dream/waking up from a dream is going to be a really tough sell. See the most recent cliche opening challenge in Writing Challenges.

Posts: 4406 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bent Tree
Member # 7777

 - posted      Profile for Bent Tree   Email Bent Tree         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Honestly, I shut down after "Silence rang out" . I think it is a bit hackneyed and I have never appreciated a relationship between silence the noun and onomatopoeia .

the thickness of pronouns, to me, is usually an indication of a weak POV. That seemed apparent.

I feel that the moment of incitement was appropriate. I like the idea of describing this phenomenon of palpable silence but I think the writing failed it a bit.

I would dig deeper with the POV and try to find a more convincing voice. That is what I see as most important here.

Good luck. If you have a few pages or a short chapter send it along if you would like me to look at it.

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

Quick Reply

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins

Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2