posted
This is an exploration of endurance and forgiveness. I've just started and wondered if this seems to be a good starting point.
Update: I wrote the story and it didn't quite turn out to be quite so noble. The title remained the same, but I changed the name of the MC. It turned out to be a flash. I'd appreciate a reader or two.
Second Try Shirta tried to get up, but didn't have the strength to fight on, there were too many. Her only refuge was balling up as tightly against the brick wall as possible, letting her classmates continue to beat her until they were finished and disappeared.
Holes in her blouse showed the bloody abrasions when she was thrown against the brick wall. She dabbed at her forehead with her white scarf picking up crimson spots. Shirta took a painfully deep breath and, taking longer than it would have under normal circumstances, made the appropriate gestures with her hand. A bright light shot through her, making her appear translucent. Then with a whoosh of air rushing to fill the void, she too, disappeared.
First Try Simone tried to get up, but didn't have the strength to fight on, there were too many. Her only refuge was balling up as tightly against the brick wall as possible, letting her classmates continue to beat her until they were tired or bored. I must forgive them, she thought.
Holes in her blouse showed bloody abrasions when she was thrown against the brick wall. She dabbed at her forehead with her white scarf picking up crimson spots.
Simone took a painfully deep breath and made the appropriate sign with her hand. A bright light shot through her, making her appear translucent. Then with a whoosh of air rushing to fill the void, she disappeared.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited July 22, 2009).]
Two problems with this opening. One; when did they stop beating her? Paragraph two is a jump. One they beat, two they're gone. I think you need a bridge between the two.
The sudden disappearance, magic, ascending to a higher plane, whatever that was happens way to quick. This almost looks like the story is over. You may want to stretch things apart. You pretty much lost the hook when things appeared to be concluded before line 13.
posted
The story does have the feel of being completed after the first 13. I still have questions about their magic, where do they go when they disappear, are the classmates there to start in on her again, why the classmates were beating her and the final outcome.
"as tightly against the brick wall as possible" -- 'against the brick wall' seems to slow down this high-tension sentence. I suggest several shorter sentences to get in the same picture of the scene and action.
The first sentence of the second paragraph reads like the holes showed when she hit the wall rather the abrasions happening then.
"appropriate gestures" made me think the gestures were with her middle finger. I suggest a more magical term than 'appropriate' here.
In first paragraph says Shirta has no refuge but to curl up in to a ball and wait it out. Then she pulls a magic trick and disappears, so obviously the curl up into a ball thing wasn't her only refuge.
Also, does she just become invisible or is she gone elsewhere? What are reactions of the kids beating her? Why were they beating her in the first place (hopefully that comes soon after this segment)?
posted
The first sentence seems a little redundant to me, especially in a flash length story where you need to make every word count. I think you could get the information you impart in those opening two sentences into one. What does the first sentence tell us that the second doesn't? The first tells us that she is to weak to fight on--the second tells us that her only refuge is to ball up, which is pretty much the same thing.
Holes in her blouse showed the bloody abrasions when she was thrown against the brick wall. Sounds strange to me. For some reason I want to read it as "...from when she had been thrown..."
A bright light shot through her, making her appear translucent. Then with a whoosh of air rushing to fill the void, she too, disappeared. This made me question the POV. I read the first few sentences presuming we were in Shirta's POV. But then I wonder, who does she appear translucent to? And if she has disappeared, then what are we looking at? An empty playground?
She punched her right in the mouth. Teeth met bone and blood and blood flowed warmly down her mouth. The others took their turns, though (name) knew she hadn't really provoked them.
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