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Author Topic: Reyvon
Infyrno
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Aight, guys. In case you haven't noticed, I threw Fire and Ice out the window. Anyone can use it for scrap pieces if they would like, but here is my latest beginning of a story. It's called: "Reyvon" (Pronounced: Raven)

Reyvon Written By Skylar M.

Once upon a starlight dreamy night, beneath a starlight dreamy sky, there stood a raven, ebon as the clouds are white. Wisest of the birds and obviously the most deceptive, the raven stood, perched upon a pine, within the needles, sharp as thorns. They prickled at his bubbly-looking, scaly feet sturdily clutching at the stem, tighter than steal. The dreary moon, like a silver jewel of murcury, gleamed and shimmered, reflecing off the raven's large black eyes. Like charred coal, his feathers writhed over his skin, arm-in-arm with the hissing, wretched wind. How long he had perched there and how much he saw has not yet been told, but there, the raven had sat, his eyes burning into what happened aroud him like a video recorder, remembering everything he saw. Here is where he sat, and here is where we will hear his tale...

Oh and I am aware of the grammatical errors and all of those things. All I need from the critiquers is for them to tell me how it is regarding running along the lines of a capturing intro that will draw you into reading the entire story. It isn't very good, I know. But the rest is better, and if you would like it, email me: FantomSky@aol.com

"Insanity is your only escape"

Vycye


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Rahl22
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It's incredibly poetic. As a matter of fact, if you broke that into lines, as opposed to one paragraph, I'd say it was a poem. Not so sure about prose, though.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002  | Report this post to a Moderator
Chronicles_of_Empire
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There is a nice poetic feel to it, but sometimes it does appear a little forced - the moon is both "dreary" and a "jewel", which strikes as an oxymoron. Not sure why wisdom would equal deceptive. Also - stood seems a little redundant next to perched. Is steel tight or hard? - be careful with your associations.

I can see you're playing with a muse, and that's always good. But as a writer you still need to consider "crafting" what the muse speaks.

There's a nice expressive promise here.



Posts: 286 | Registered: Jun 2002  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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