posted
Hi everyone, Does the following few lines interest anyone enough to read the rest of the chapter?
If the answer's yes please contact me at Ian@writing85.freeserve.co.uk and I'll email you the chapter. Thanks for your interest. Ian
Chapter 2 Easter 1889. The Ragley Estate, Alcester. (3238 words)
The smoke spiralled upwards carrying sparks in the heat. Swirling then climbing, it floated up into the black, night sky. James Tandey reached forward and poked the fire with a stout branch, releasing a shower of sparks. He threw on another log and stared, mesmerised, into the flickering flames. A blackened lump of wood hissed and wheezed, and spat out a sliver of charcoal like a pistol shot. ‘Some more James?’ Seth Jones held out the stone flagon, offering it round the small group of soldiers. James stood up and drew himself to his full, impressive height, the brass buttons on his tunic gleamed in the firelight. He stretched his long arms upwards and looked across the fields before holding out his cup. A constellation of twinkling fires spread before him… random pinpricks of light were dotted across the rolling grasslands, their reflections flickering in the lake. Thousands of soldiers were gathered round their fires nothing but hazy shadows in the distant gloom, their mumbled conversations and sporadic singing, drifted on the air and a million sparkling stars looked down upon them from a black, deep night.
[This message has been edited by ianlumley (edited September 19, 2002).]
posted
You've set a nice scene. Nothing in it would repel me from reading further. These lines dwell on description over action, and if that pattern continues I'd probably stop reading by about page three. But as a setting it's great.
Your characters are just names. That's not bad in such a short passage, it's just an observation. For some reason I picture them as WASPs, even though James is not necessarily a white name and Seth is not necessarily a Protestant name.
posted
Hmm...your first few lines seem to be describing the same thing in a circular manner. Looks clumsy.
The smoke spiralled upwards carrying sparks in the heat. Swirling then climbing, it floated up into the black, night sky. James Tandey reached forward and poked the fire with a stout branch, releasing a shower of sparks.
Consider this [though watch my adverbials!]
James Tandey sat forward and poked the fire with a stout branch, releasing swirls of sparks that floated up into the black night sky.
Also - what *period* are the soldiers from? I have no idea and feel I'd like to know early on, to help with the scene setting. It would be silly if the reader spent the first few pages thinking of a completely different period. That wouldn't be great communication.
posted
The scene is set at the Ragley Estate in Alcester, Easter of 1889. I have to admit, using these sorts of date/time signitures on the chapters isn't my personal favorite means of communicating time and place, but that's partly because I don't favor writing "historical" fiction.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Doc, As you said… it’s a setting and for the first thirteen lines that’s all it is. Of course the characters are just names at this stage. The development starts in the next paragraph, as does the dialogue and the considerable action.
Brian, How you doing? Hope your rewrite is progressing well!
Sorry.. I much prefer my opening (subjective opinion ). The period becomes clear (though it is mentioned in the chapter heading), very quickly after the posted extract.
Survivor,
The Chapter heading is simply a contextual aid for this very short posting. All else is clear in the full piece. You don’t like historical fiction… that’s fine.. each to his own. I hate fantasy… I have a suspension of disbelief problem.
Just to put things in context, this is not a historical fiction genre piece. It is a tiny extract is from my second novel. The novel starts in 1940, goes back to 1898 then progress chronologically to 1977. It is the life story of a World War 1 hero and the ancestral influences that contributed to his complex character. It’s not fiction either, it is ‘based upon’ or ‘faction’ as some people call it.
Now… does anyone fancy reading the full chapter?
Thanks all for your time and comments. Much appreciated Cheers Ian
posted
Hi, Ian, Sounds like an interesting, convoluted premise. If the chapter is in James' POV, though, I'm not sure the description of him works. If you pretend first person POV to test it, you'd end up with:
I stood up and drew myself to my full, impressive height, the brass buttons on my tunic gleamed in the firelight. I stretched my long arms upwards
Obviously, that wouldn't work unless James is an egotist.
Or is the POV objective? (And there's a whole other thread about that.) Since we don't get into anyone's head here, it seems a possibility, which may be why Doc Brown said
quote:These lines dwell on description over action....
To prevent the confusion, you might want to establish the POV quicker by giving us some of James' thoughts as he pokes the fire.
I thought the mood was nice--seemed like a lull before something was to happen. Or maybe after something had happened. Yes, I think we need some of James' thoughts here.
If you want to send the chapter, please do, just know I could probably give it only a quick overview.
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