posted
I know a couple of you were also interested in submitting to "the First Line" (www.thefirstline.com) so I thought maybe you'd like to trade stories. I know I'm wildly curious to see what other people wrote.
Here's the first thirteen lines of mine.
RE: ?4u
I opened my e-mail with a mix of apprehension and excitement. Would I find that upon which my hopes depended, or would my longing be dashed as though a monitor thrown from the heights? Missive upon missive poured with alacrity through the digital link even unto twenty. It had been more than ten minutes since I last had checked and I could scarce believe my fortune that so few awaited me; but would the one I sought be among them?
I scanned the endless spam, forwards and offers to transfer money from an offshore account, till at last I saw it. My hand trembled so that the mouse vibrated upon the screen. There, amidst trivial vagaries of communication, lay a glowing jewel, a shining beacon, a single glorious epistle sure to be wrought with all the majesty of Olympus.
duckwrangler101@blatzoid.net had written back!
I eased the mouse over the subject line, RE: ?4u, caressing the letters, wanting to prolong the anticipation that throbbed in my bones like a thousand gigs of RAM being accessed simultaneously.
posted
I have more questions than comment for you.
What is in the email? Why does the character care so much? Why is main character so worked up over the email?
Basically this is what I first thought when reading. Probably hard to answer given the digital copyright restraints here, but if you answered these questions I would be satisfied as a reader.
on first read I was overwhelmed and immediately thought 'over-written.' However, I realized that perhaps you had humor in mind when you wrote this piece, perhaps even parody. If that's the case, consider giving some identity (other that an e-mail address) for the object of interest of the viewpoint character (duckwrangler - what a name!).
When I re-read it with the idea in mind that you intended it to be humorous (a take-off on the romance genre?), I did chuckle a couple of times.
Y'see, the motivation isn't clear to me, your reader, so I'm kinda left hanging and don't understand the intent or direction you want me to go. D'you understand where I'm coming from? Please, do let me know - mebbe I can give you some additional insights as a critical reader of your writing.
IMHO - I believe that feedback should be analytical and focused on the writing, rather than undefined colors on someone's personal crit-o-meter.
Remember the first rule of writing... Write!
woody
[This message has been edited by woody (edited October 04, 2003).]
posted
Woody, thanks for writing. Yes, I intended this to be humorous. It is in fact only the first thirteen lines out and I would be happy to share the rest of the story with anyone who was interested in critiqueing.
While acting I was once given the note by a director, "Can you add more color to the flavor." I was never sure what he meant, but perhaps I could have tried mauve.
I should also mention that the conditions for this magazine state that the story must begin with the first line I start with.
Yours, Mary Robinette
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited October 06, 2003).]
posted
My brother has a fine nose for comedy, and he thought it very funny as well. But the narrative doesn't seem to really be leading anywhere. The only apparent reason to keep reading is in hopes of ever more amusing prose...which is sometimes enough, but it doesn't make a story.
You can send me the whole thing if it's short. I don't have a story to trade for it, though.
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