posted
Ok, I get it. There was a posting here, but it was from the middle (actually near the end) of my book and it was WAY out of context. Hell is an odd setting, and with no explanation . . . you get the picture. I am kind of relucting posting the first 13 lines of my book, I'm kinda scared that it might get swiped, but I'll think about it.
Thank you all for your comments.
[This message has been edited by JBShearer (edited January 09, 2004).]
posted
Well, now you have 26 lines posted...might want to pick one or the other.
As for a crit of the passages...that's very difficult to do without an explanation. I'm assuming these aren't opening paragraphs? (You said the first wasn't but didn't mention the second.) Anyway, they read well, but like I said, without context I can't tell you anything except whether or not you spelled things correctly and utilized proper grammar.
posted
As Christine said, post only 13 lines total, so choose which excerpt. Still, without a context, a critique can't do it's whole job. Obviously, something's happening, but what, and is it true to the story? What's the POV? Who are these people (creatures?)?
The writing is fairly coherent but, again, we need context to tell if it fits the story. "The very air" is used twice in short proximity. Both Trevarius and the wind "scream," although -- and, of course, this was surmised without a context -- when Trevarius screamed, I thought he was doing it with the damned masses; then I thought his scream was sounding across the land; then I realized he was moving across the land, fast, and he was traveling on dirt, but he must have been a giant since his "wake" was so high. (But screaming across the land and treading seem not to match.) Since he left a "wake" in dirt, made me wonder if he was in a desert of soft deep sand or something, but he's in a forest. But if he's a giant in a forest, it wouldn't be just dirt he's plowing up behind him. And, maybe Trevarius is a tree, like Treebeard.
You see, without a context to work with, I'm just fishing here and probably way off mark. Because you know the story, both excerpts are perfectly clear to you. Let us in on it with a mid excerpt.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 07, 2004).]
posted
I agree with Kolona that context is very important. Still, an opening paragraph (your first excerpt IS an opening paragraph?) can get away with murder if the hook is good.
In this case, the hook wasn't really there and I was confused. You named a creature?/man?/monster? running (apparently - was the scream literal?) through the woods when a simple description of him would have helped: "A man sped" is less poetic, but more concrete. The reader can apply his own poetry to an image if the image is clear.
People are willing to accept whatever reality you present them with, so long as the reality is consistant and established immediately. Utilitarian language, in this case, is better for your purposes, I think.
UPDATE: Overall the story is fraught with too many adjectives. Adjectives are like zuchini - one or two go a loooong way. Cutting out the descriptive wordiness forces one to use more active language. "Carrion crows fed on the hanging corpse," for example - the reader will do an amazing amount of your work for you on surprisingly few clues.
Sorry - after giving you this much red pencil criticism I WILL post 13 lines of my own tonight. Fair's fair.
[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited January 07, 2004).]
posted
Yes, please, choose one or the other (or delete them and post the FIRST 13 lines--which is what we actually ask for here).
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