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Nothing moved in the main lounge of the large, coed dormitory on the University of Missouri campus. A dozen or so students were assembled on mismatched furniture in front of the big screen T.V. Some were wet, having run in from the storm, while others had textbooks and homework papers strewn across tables in front of them, forgotten. Everyone in the room was motionless except for the slight tendency to lean in towards the T.V., where reports of the alien invasion held them captivated.

Liz looked at her roommate, Krista, the only person in the room she knew well, trying to seek out comfort in a familiar face. Far from being comforted, Liz could not help but notice that Krista’s expression was missing the telltale shock that marred the faces of everyone else in the room. In fact, Krista seemed positively calm, all emotions carefully hidden behind the human mask she wore to cover her alien skin.

Liz looked past Krista, toward the large, rain soaked windows and into the black-as-night afternoon beyond. Had Krista known of this attack in advance? ...

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Cuts off in the middle of a paragraph but I don't want to push the lines any. So, is anyone willing to give this a look? It's only about 3900 words.

Right away, I like the clincher at the end of the first paragraph. I'm thinking though, that you have a POV snaffu in mentioning Krista's alien skin, then going on to have Liz wonder if Krista had known of the alien attack. If this is Liz's POV, don't let the reader know of Krista's alien identity till Liz learns of it. On the other hand, if the rest of the story establishes that everyone already knows aliens are among us and and who they are, and it's only the attack that's the surprise, you might be okay, but that initial contradiction still needs some adjustment.

quote:

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In fact, Krista seemed positively calm, all emotions carefully hidden behind the human mask she wore to cover her alien skin.

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I would bet this is what Kolona is refering to. Your pov seems to be based on Liz, while you throw in a statement that does not fit unless Liz already knows that Krista is an alien. If so it might be possible that the way you made it know is the wrong spot.

But since it does look interesting...I'll give it a read.

I'd be willing to read the rest.

Upon further consideration, I thought, like GZ, that maybe Krista's alien identity was already known, at least by Liz, but if that's the case, you might want to let the reader clearly know that Liz knows about Krista's alien identity.

Not that you would do all, or even any, of these, here are a few possible edits in text:
"Liz looked at her roommate, Krista, the only person in the room she knew well, {Maybe a note how well} trying to seek out comfort in a familiar face {Maybe mention this early of the alien face beneath}. Far from being comforted, Liz could not help but notice that Krista’s expression was missing the telltale shock that marred the faces of everyone else in the room. {The fact that Liz sought comfort but didn't find it suggested to me she didn't know Krista was an alien. If Liz did know, maybe she should be concerned about how well Krista was or wasn't blending into the human group.} In fact, Krista seemed positively calm, all emotions carefully hidden behind the human mask she wore to cover her alien skin.{Even an addition of "...the human mask LIZ KNEW she wore..." might help.}

(I haven't checked to see if you sent the whole thing, so this is just in response to your post.)