posted
Arava walked into Naft ten days after Rextract was taken. It was midday and he guessed, correctly, that King Glenir of Kerf would be in the back courtyard of the king’s residence for lunch. As he walked through the open gate the guards made no attempt to stop him. The King was sitting at the head of a long table that was occupied by only one other person, whom Arava immediately recognized as Agreliet, the Master Magician. He sat down without preamble.
“You’ve aged a dozen years since I saw you last,” Arava said to the King.
“And you’ve become considerably more polite,” said King Glenir. “What brings you here?” It was just conversation--there was only one possible reason.
posted
First off, don't start with so many undefined identifiers. 'Arava' is okay, but 'Naft' is a little vague. I'm guessing 'tis a city, but really, it could be any location. Rextract doesn't offer any clues at all as to what or whom exactly was taken. It could be a holiday, an heirloom, a child, a kind of examination or medical proceedure...I really can't tell.
Start again with Arava. Don't have him just walk into Naft, have him look and see what Naft is like. Is it a border town, perhaps a neutral city where you would expect to find several kings of different countries hanging out? Is is a capital, perhaps the capital of Kerf? Is is actually a hostel where he is going to put his stuff before going about his business in the (as yet unnamed) city?
Don't mention Rextract until you're willing to at least hint as to what it is.
If Naft is a city, then it doesn't matter that it is midday when he walks 'into Naft' (is it a walled city, then?), what matters is what time it will be when he finally gets to the 'king's residence' or even when he finally gets into the back courtyard ('king's residences' are often rather large in and of themselves, after all).
By the way, what is up with the king sitting at a large table in the back courtyard? Courtyards often have small tables, but a large table outside is...usually more utilitarian. What is this back courtyard like? Is is more of a garden setting or is it a practice ground ajoining the palace barracks or something? Is it unremarkable to Arava that he can just walk in on the king unannounced, and if so why do you bother to remark it? His casual relationship with the king is fairly well illustrated by their dialogue, after all (though it could be much better illustrated, but you only have a couple of lines here after all).
Also, if Arava immediately recognizes Agreliet, then just say, "The King was sitting with Agreliet...."
But mostly, at this point in the story Arava should still be approaching Naft (assuming--possibly incorrectly, that Naft is a city).
posted
I had the Proper-Noun-that-doesn't-mean-anything-particular-to-me-yet problem too.
I also didn't get any real sense of the POV character either, or the importance of the situation (which you seemed to be implying with the Proper Nouns), which made it hard to engage with the piece.
posted
[nod] I figured my proper nouns were too much, all jumping at the reader all at once. I guess I fell into the trap of "I know what all of these places are; it feels tedious to say 'Naft, the capital city of Kerf' and 'Rextract, the magicians' capital.'" I was never one for prolonged description. I suppose I should slow down a bit, stop and smell the roses, so to speak. I've been having the most trouble with beginning; I must have started in twenty different places as the story evolved.
posted
Heck, you can stop and be even more descriptive than that. This is a novel, we're going to be with you for a while, there's plenty of time to help us understand your plot. The real danger is taking the first few chapters to describe your world without starting the plot. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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