posted
Girls screamed. Cameron couldn’t see much. Grey shapes, indistinct outlines. There was something cold in his hand, something cold that he dropped on the hard floor, something that made a sickening scrape, a dead sound hitting the concrete. Hands grabbed at Cameron, pulling him roughly. The light dimmed as he looked up, trying to see, trying to see the dark figures closing in on him. The screaming wouldn’t stop, the sound wailed, louder, softer, louder, softer. He cried out as his right arm was twisted behind his back. Sweat smells closed in on the boy, and he twisted his face backward and forward, following the smells and the sounds. He managed to get his left hand to his face, to rub at his eyes, but that too was grabbed and pulled.
A voice pierced the confusion, angry, commanding, ‘Don’t move.’
Then coldness, around his wrists, clicking and then it was gone, Cameron’s power over himself was gone, moments after it was given to him. --------------------------------------------
The above are the first thirteen lines of my novel (Poppy is the working title). I am looking for anyone willing to give the entire thing a read and give me general feedback on plot/character/etc.
The novel is a modern fantasy set in Glasgow, Scotland (and a bit just outside of New York City) about a young woman who is a witch. She becomes convinced that her ex boyfriend, whose Christian rock band is a world phenomenon, is an instrument of evil.
posted
An entire novel is a bit much for me. The hatrack writer's group include groups for people with completed novels who are interested in getting feedback on a longer work. I myself plan to join one when I finish my curren work. That might be your best bet, it should be difficult to get volunteers for an entire novel here. E-mail Kathleen about it.
Just a comment on your opening though. You've started us out in a high action sequence, but it doesn't move me because I don't know what's going on or who it's happening to. I'm not saying I wouldn't read a bit further to find out, but to be honest I would reconsider your starting point.Keep in mind that in a novel you do have a few pages to grab the reader's attention.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited January 13, 2004).]
posted
He's being arrested, not mugged. But the point is taken. It isn't a very clear description.
It ususally isn't very effective to try this sort of trick until after you've gained the reader's trust...and perhaps gotten them a bit invested in the character as well.
posted
Thanks for your comments everyone. The openning has been tricky and I guess that has shown through in the fragment I posted. The very next section explains what happened in the first section, but I agree that the reader does not get a chance to feel anything for the character. I can't think of a specific reason for keeping it this way, other than to convey the confusion of the point of view character, but there are other ways of doing that, so I'll make the description less vague.
I think it is important for me to get some readers for the entire thing. Christine - how does one join those groups that you mentioned?
posted
At the top of the screan, in that jumble of links, click on Writer's WOrkshops. Under Writer's Workshops (for 18 and over) Click on How to Join. You will be asked to fill out a form and should make it very clear as you do that you have a novel you want to have critiqued and are willing to critique other's novels as well. It might take a little bit of time, but I think it will be worth it.
If that doesn't work out, we should try to get a few people to look at each other's novels here. I'll be done with mine by March or April, and could probably start sending out the early chapters a few at a time already. I just hesitate to do so before I'm done because I don't want to get discouraged and quit.
Starting up a novel group here is a good idea. Start a new thread when you are ready. I agree with your instinct, though, wait until you are sure it's ready. I think getting a bit of careless/unhelpful criticism early on, even if it is well meant, can be a particular danger for artists (or so Julia Cameron writes in 'The Artist's Way').
posted
I rewrote the opening. I took your comments and I decided you were all wrong and no one understands me and the world is out to get me, then I cleaned my flat and watched some telly and picked my nose and generally tried to forget. But then I looked at it again and realised that the opening sucked. So here's the re-write; there is still quite a bit of action at the beginning, but the description is a bit less vague:
-------------------- Cameron shot at the singer three times and dropped his gun. He cast a panicked eye over the crowds, and noticed a screaming girl standing beside him. She looked about 14 and she was wearing a t-shirt that read, ‘The Final Days are here!’ She fell silent when her wide eyes met his, her mouth hung open. She was frozen for a moment in Cameron's gaze until, jerking forward, she threw her arms out and shoved him to the floor. He covered his face with his arms as others, more young girls, came together, a swarm, a gang of hungry animals lunged at him cowering on the floor. He couldn’t see much, grey shapes, indistinct outlines. He turned over onto his side, to protect the soft parts of his body. He saw his gun lying on the floor next to him - the metal glinted angrily.
‘Where did you come from?’ he whispered to it. ‘Where did I come from?’ He swallowed back bile as he felt the frenzied blows of the girls above him.
------------------- I still have him arrested in the scene, but it's now too long for that to make the 13 line limit. Any better?
posted
Actually, I could've lived with the first version with revision, but this is good, too, with a little revision.
"Noticing" is too static for the scene. Though time is seemingly stopped, it is only seemingly stopped. <He cast a panicked eye over the screaming crowds and at the girl standing beside him.>
The talking to the gun didn't do it for me, though. I guess I'd like to see a composite of both versions. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water and all that.
posted
This is much clearer than before. But not all the clarity is good.
I was under the impression before that Cameron is not in control of his actions, nor fully aware of his surroundings. I think this is part of what you were trying to convey, and that has almost completely been annihilated by the first line
You have Cameron intentionally shoot someone, whom he identifies as 'the singer'. In the previous example, Cameron clearly wasn't in full possession of himself when this happened. In this one, Cameron doesn't seem to lose control of the situation until that girl knocks him down.
I can't seriously offer to read this for a few days, but think about rewriting the opening so that Cameron is more of a confused and passive observer of his own actions. Have him sort of come to and watch the gun in his hand shoot somebody on a stage, make it so he doesn't really have full control till he's lying on the floor looking at that gun and wondering where it came from and how he got there.
This assumes that I was reading your intention in the earlier piece correctly.
Hmmm...Okay, back to the drawing board. At the risk of sounding clueless and REALLY insecure, should I go with the original and try to rework that to make more sense out of it, or should I take the new one and try to get back that sense of powerlessness?
Kolona, point taking about talking to the gun, it's kinda cheesy. I put that in there initially because he's rather childlike, having just come into awareness, but perhaps it would be better shown in a train of thought.
posted
I like your second version better than the first but perhaps a few changes to some of the wording would gather the desired effect.
Try what Survivor suggested and have the character WATCH himself shoot the singer.
quote:Cameron watched, horrified, as the singer dropped from view, three bloody wounds across his chest. He saw his own hand drop the gun that had caused them. He cast a panicked eye over the crowds, and his gaze stopped on a screaming girl standing beside him...
Or something like that
And I liked the 'talking to the gun' bit. It told me a lot about what was happening. IMO those few words told me the character had no idea how he had a gun or why he had used it. I could visualize this man, desperately trying to figure out how he came to be in this predicament which immediately made me care about what happened to him next.
[This message has been edited by RillSoji (edited February 13, 2004).]
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