Helen watched in amusement as the store manager’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. Bentley’s Department Store boasted, “If we don’t have it in stock, we will get it for you. Anything at all. Guaranteed.” She had taken him up on the offer.

“Ms. Lake—“

“Helen.”

“Helen,” he corrected, “and please, call me Dave. I’m sure we can find some way to get you what you want, but think about what you’re asking.”

“I’m asking for a fantasy adventure,” Helen said. “It’s what I’ve always wanted. I think my lottery winnings should be sufficient to cover the costs.”

“Your lottery winnings could buy you paradise right here in the real world,” Dave said. “Please reconsider. We can arrange houses, cars, yachts, furniture, exotic vacations—“

Oh yeah...this'll be a short story, so you know.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited April 15, 2004).]

It reminds of Terry Brooks' opening in _Magic Kingdom for Sale: Sold!_. (Which was a really, really good opening, and I'm not saying this is identical-- more reminiscent. It's definitely giving me the feeling of a more humorous piece.)

It works for me. I like it. And I'm mildly sad that it's your idea, and I can't start playing around with something from the poor store manager's point of view, trying to pull a fantasy adventure out of his hat.

and please, call me Dave.

This is a little confusing; it seems out of the blue.

Bentley’s Department Store
[...]
houses, cars, yachts, furniture, exotic vacations
What kind of Department store is this?

I too thought of Brook's Magic Kingdom: For Sale when I read it, based on the department store selling the kingdom idea, even though the actual settup of Brook's novel opens with a very different tone if I remember correctly (It's been years). It's a pretty wide premise to work with -- lots of different directions a person could go with that basic idea.

quote:

---

“Ms. Lake—“

“Helen.”

“Helen,” he corrected, “and please, call me Dave. I’m sure we can find some way to get you what you want, but think about what you’re asking.”

---

Because of the lack of tags, I stumbled right here and had to re-read it twice before I realized who was saying what to whom.

Just thought I'd point out a potential stumbler.

There are two things that you should consider. First, leaven the dialogue with a bit of action. There's hemming, and sitting down, or pacing, or looking this way and that, or any number of actions implicit in such a conversation. Second, nail down your scene a bit. This can easily be accomplished by having the store manager interact with his environment (which I would assume is going to be his office or some similar space).

In point of fact, both of these things could be accomplished fairly well in a single line or even a couple of parts of lines as the store manager tries to come up with answers to Helen's remarkable request.

These points are important in this case because this is going to be an extended conversation, in which Helen is going to more fully explain what she wants, and answer some of the store manager's objections. The environment (presuming, again, that it is the manager's office or some such thing) will also tell us a lot about "Bentley's". Of course, the motto and the list of services Dave offers tells us what Bentley's is in the abstract, but the office could demonstrate the substance of it a little better.

Again, not all of this has to be done in the first few lines you've shown here. This far in, I just want a bit of physical action to accentuate the dialogue and a location for this scene.

To avoid repeating others' comments... I don't think Helen has to quibble - instead of "I think my lotter winnings should be sufficient..." have her strong as I think you designed her - you can dump "think" and "should" : "My lottery winnings will be more than sufficient to cover any costs..." which then can be followed up nicely by the next line.

Anyway, I liked it, didn't have any major stumbles, and would read the finished product (as you know!).