posted
I'd appreciate some feedback on the opening of the science fiction novel I'm currently working on. (I may want feedback on more of it later, though not until it's closer to being finished. For the moment, I'm sticking with my two real-life critics, chapter by chapter.)
My biggest question is, should I keep the first paragraph, or ditch it?
Thanks in advance!
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Meg had just slipped into her lab coat when she heard the door from the hall open. Why would anyone else be in so early? She turned to see Rafael Olivares, head linguist and only lay member of the Catholic mission to the planet, standing in the doorway. Her greeting stuck in her throat when she saw his bleak expression.
“Aramek Christopher died last night.” Olivares’s voice was flat.
The name didn’t mean anything to Meg, beyond the combination of an alien name with a Christian one. “One of the local church members?”
He nodded, joining her at the counter. “That’s the fifth death in the parish this week, the eleventh in the past month.”
Meg sat down hard on one of the lab stools. The Mission had baptized three hundred twenty-seven the previous Easter, so even making a generous allowance for new births, there couldn’t be more than perhaps three hundred fifty members. “Why? What could possibly—“
posted
I don't see why you would want to cut the first paragraph. The wording feels a little awkward. "the door from the hall"? I'd suggest just saying the door opened and worry about clues as to the building description later. But I don't see anything really wrong with it. It firmly establishes point of view and introduces the speaking character from her point of view before he speaks.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
You definatly want to keep the first paragraph. It sets the POV and gives a brief background to the scene without bogging anything down. Starting with the death announcement I think might be too abrupt for what you seem to be doing here.
Over all, I was hooked in, and would keep reading.
posted
i would agree that the paragraph should stay, and that so far it definitely hooks you.
i understand this wasnt your question, and maybe i am stepping over the line by saying this, but aramek, doesnt sound very alien. in fact, it sounds like it could be arabic or even eastern european...
posted
Any comments are fair game, as far as I'm concerned. After all, if there are issues, I'd rather know about them now than hear about them from an editor. (Or, worse, get tossed aside without even a comment and never even know why!)
Thanks to everyone who commented so far, and thanks in advance to anyone else who has thoughts to share!
posted
No name is going to sound particularly alien, once you write it in the roman alphabet (or any other phonetic script used by humans) and have a reader say it the way it looks on the page.
You showed us the name was alien in just the right manner, by using Meg's POV to sort out the meaning of the name.
I'm with the consensus on keeping the first paragraph, it is necessary. I also agree with Christine about "the door from the hall opened." Thinking hard about this, I can guess that she is in a sort of prep room in between the lab proper and the hall, so it probably makes sense (if that's what you're also thinking). You could use the line to indicate that more directly somehow...or perhaps have her do a couple of things with lockers or whatever is in there so that the physical scene is better established.
If this is the lab itself and there isn't a prep room, the main door of the lab would lead to a hall outside, so you could just say "the lab's door" or even "the lab's main door".
Anyway, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Your prose works well, as does your use of Meg's POV to convey information and establish the meaning of what happens (like her noting that the name is an alien/christian combination, hence the name of one of the local members--or her reflections on the statistical magnitude of five dead in a single week in a community of only three hundred fifty).
And, just on a side note, while I may not have a real life, that doesn't mean I'm not real life...and I'm definitely a critic (as all here will attest ).
posted
Keep it! You establish so much so easily - POV, where she is (putting on her lab coat means a reader may infer her location and thus setting, and what she does - pretty cool how you got that all in a couple of words), her thoughts, another character, that Meg is not on Earth... along with everything everyone else said. Maybe just say "...when she heard the door open."
In fact, I think you could trim the description of who Olivares is since he has two different "jobs" and I had to reread that part. Meg probably doesn't think that in her head. You could slip in his being head linguist with her thinking how smoothly he pronounces the alien name. The part about his position as the only lay member, etc., could be slipped into the bit where she thinks of the name being a combination - how he would be concerned about the death of someone she didn't know, given his position, etc.
Ok, maybe I'm not describing this well - you could leave it and it would be fine too. You hook the reader quickly, and we get into the story quickly too. Impressive!
posted
Your opening works for me as well. I do understand and agree with Punahougirl that the details about Rafael's two jobs could be delayed, incorporated several lines later and perhaps be more effective. The death does not bother me in the least in fact it gets my interest.It makes me wonder how all the deaths are linked, how they relate to Rafael's professions and how the POV character is involved? In other words the death makes me want to read more.My only problem would be if these questions are not answered by the rest of the story.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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