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Author Topic: Tunnel Vision
jpwriter
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Rough Draft, First 13 lines, Short Story, SF, Future, Time not determined.
quote:
Mullins. Jack Seuss woke from a bad dream to the reality of water dripping from the ceiling of the crowded underground cell he and his squad spent the night. Must be raining again. Maybe the old empire state building will finally collapse and kill a bunch of aliens. Jack often fantasized about aliens dying of a cold, getting stoned to death by giant hailstones or other bizarre ways, just like he used to fantasize about Ed McMann giving him millions or winning the lottery, even though he never sent in a sweepstakes ticket or played the lottery in his life. Mullins. He lay quietly in the damp blanket and tried to hold on to the significance of the name, to grasp the connection to present events. It eluded him, like attempting to catch a fly in mid air, it kept escaping his every effort until it finally was gone. Sometimes he caught the dream in full upon wakening. Then he could meet with Alicia and Gordon to create tactical plans to counter the enemy's latest move.

[This message has been edited by jpwriter (edited April 18, 2004).]


Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
Inkwell
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I'm assuming this is the short story you were researching locations for in the general topic forum? If so, I'm looking forward to analyzing both these and subsequent lines (should you choose to revise them after getting some feedback). What little I've gleaned from the other thread has sparked an interest in my mind...I think you may have an excellent concept here.

quote:

Jack Seuss woke from a bad dream to the reality of water dripping from the ceiling of the crowded underground cell he and his squad spent the night.

-This one was little awkward at the end, and as it is your first full opening sentence, I thought I'd point it out. Perhaps an inclusion of 'had' and 'in' would make the line more complete and smooth. Let me post that option...

"Jack Seuss woke from a bad dream to the reality of water dripping from the ceiling of the crowded underground cell he and his squad had spent the night in."

-The above issue is (basically) just a structural difficulty, though I must mention that the actual length of the sentence made it sound a little rough. That's just my opinion, however. You probably have a better reason for keeping it in its present state (less the structural errors) than I have for your changing it.

quote:

Must be raining again.

-I think this would sound more coherent if you combined it with an action made by the character. Maybe something along the lines of Suess frowning as the thought crossed his mind or a clear mention that this is his observation...you get the idea.

quote:

Maybe the old empire state building will finally collapse and kill a bunch of aliens.

-The use of 'will' sounded a bit uncomfortable to me. I think 'would' might be a better alternative. Unless (and I just realized this) the two lines are meant to be joined thoughts in the present tense. If that is true, throw out much of what I've said on this particular issue.

Please remember that these nits are just superficial details (for the most part). I like your foundational concepts in each sentence, which sound appropriate for the setting. I'm sure the more experienced critics can do a better job of analyzing this thing (accurately) than I.

-The next sentence had a few problems with tenses. I believe they are in the section featuring the word 'sweepstakes.'

-Next...the use of 'Mullins' right in the middle of the paragraph seemed to nullify its obvious importance in Suess' train of thought. Perhaps this would be a good place to begin a new paragraph (just my opinion...again).

quote:

He lay quietly in the damp blanket and tried to hold on to the significance of the name, to grasp the connection to present events.

-I really liked this sentence. Despite your frequent use of 'the' and 'to' it seemed to capture the conditions of Suess' situations and simultaneously address the use of the name 'Mullins' (it's a name, right?). This is the kind of tone that piqued my interest in the first place. The fly analogy was also very interesting...it seemed to belong there, in a way. A little tinkering would bring this line into a very readable and enjoyable focus.

quote:

Sometimes he caught the dream in full upon wakening.

I think 'wakening' is used awkwardly in this sentence. 'Waking' might be what you are looking for, or perhaps 'awakening.' I'm not sure if this is a spelling error or just personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt.

quote:

Then he could meet with Alicia and Gordon to create tactical plans to counter the enemy's latest move.

Okay...the structure of this sentence sounded a little rough, but that was all. It brings a bit of a hook into the story right at the end of your posted lines. Perhaps something like this would read better...

"It was at such times that he could meet with Alicia and Gordon to create tactical plans and counter the enemy's latest move."

I'm not trying to write your story for you...far from it. I'd give you a twelve gauge and myself ten seconds to run before I would try something like that. These are just examples of basic sentence forms that I think flow a little smoother.

Overall, I like this excerpt very much. It has an atmosphere of mystery, danger, misery, and action all at once...even though you haven't mentioned any action yet! A little tweaking here and there would render it an excellent introductory paragraph. I would definitely keep reading.


Inkwell
------------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited April 18, 2004).]


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jpwriter
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Inkwell,
I like your clever handle. Makes me wish I had thought of it first.
Thanks so much for your comments. I have been writing since last August so as a newbie I can use all the help I can get. I also do my best to critique others work. My main failing is grammar and sentence structure. I usually get my wife's help on that before I let anyone look at my work but she will be out of town most of the time until June 30th helping my Mother in Law pack for a move to Florida. As you can tell, verb tenses are not one of my strengths. I write "story" and my wife edits the **** out of it.
I did make one comment on the 13 lines you submitted. Most of it had been covered already. I hope to see more of your work to look over.
Thanks again for you help.
Jerry

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Survivor
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How long is the piece, and do you want readers for it?

I'll tell you that I'm minded to read it, though I share some of Inkwell's reservations...and have some of my own.

You start with the name Mullins, which apparently is the gist of a bad dream or something. But it appears disconnected, not certainly part of the dream or part of his waking thoughts.

quote:
Jack Seuss woke from a bad dream with the hoarse whisper of a dying man echoing in his mind, "Mullins...." The imagined/remembered voice faded to/in/before the reality of water dripping from the ceiling of the crowded underground cell where he and his squad spent the night.

Italics are mine


I don't actually know whence the name Mullins comes nor how it is connected to the dream, so this example probably won't work for you. But try to give the reader some idea how the name is connected to the dream (also, more clarity on the import of these dreams, perhaps?).

Ditto on the use of present tense..."Must be raining again" is a pretty clear inlined SOC thought, but the next sentance is too long for unmarked SOC (you could use italics for all your SOC, some people don't like this).

The Ed McMann line is perhaps a bit long. Grammatically, it would work just fine if you swapped "Ed McMann giving him millions" and "winning the lottery" (or alternatively, changed the Ed McMann part to read "getting millions from Ed McMann") and made the last action past perfect "though he'd never", but that still leaves you with a very long, fairly awkward construction.

Ditto on the new paragraph, since I think you want to cast his musings on the possible meaning of his dream as being more important than his fantasy life. You could also use a definate transition line that makes that concept clear, "Jack shoved the fantasies out of his mind and tried to concentrate on the significance of the dream." Again, not a simple insertion, since this line wouldn't work with what you have.

Ditto waking/wakening...when two alternatives are virtually the same in spelling, meaning, and contextual grammer, use the shorter or simpler choice.

Ditto meeting with Alicia and Gordon...I would go even further and make it something like "If he could just remember the whole dream then he could go to Alicia and Gordon with it, and help them counter the enemy's latest move."

As I asked before, how long is this and do you want readers?


Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999  | Report this post to a Moderator
jpwriter
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Survivor,
Not yet on the needing readers. It is not finished yet and this is in rough draft only. I really posted it to get a feel if it had some hook and general comments. It needs finishing and a rewrite before any read. If you would like to read something I finished, I would be happy to send it to anyone just on a get to know me basis. I just submitted a 2400 word short story and though I know of one flaw it has now that I haven't fixed, it would be interesting to see what others thought. It is not SF, but is a good story if I do say so myself. Here is the first 13 lines or so of "Dressed to the Nines".
quote:
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, I pulled the razor slowly up my left leg through the thick lather in long easy strokes. Moving on to the more tedious parts, I drew the razor around my ankle, then up my knee, being extra careful not to nick myself.
I paused before starting on my other leg and looked around Beth's bathroom. It was like none I had ever seen before except in photographs. It fascinated me. The tub had feet like a lion. The pedestal style porcelain sink had a seashell-shaped basin with faucet handles that resembled ornate sea creatures. Looking up, I saw that the old flush toilet had one of those water tanks near the ceiling with a long pull chain. Her house gave me a feeling of comfort. It wasn't long ago that I had lived in a far more primitive setting. This felt more like home than my current chrome and carpet lifestyle.
I grew up in Western Oklahoma where "old" wasn't valued, at least not by country folk. Our second hand clothes, more often than not, were a source of embarrassment. We had to make do with the antiquated ways of doing things, such as when nature called, having to run the 100-yard dash to the drafty, smelly, wooden box called the outhouse.


Jerry

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Survivor
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Seems a bit slow starting, especially for a first person narrative...and you wind into pure explication by the end of these thirteen lines.

With a first person story, you really want to start with the reason that the narrator is telling the story..."I was sitting in my friend's bathroom, shaving my legs, and then I started thinking about how I liked the more rural feel of her bathroom because I grew up in the country..." just doesn't cut it as far as kicking off the story. Unless the story is going to be about her decision to go back to Oklahoma to live in a house with no plumbing.

But hey, maybe that's the story. I guess I'll read it and find out if you like.


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TheoPhileo
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I liked it a lot. The story caught me. I would love to see more when it comes available. I would comment on a few grammatical/flow issues, but survivor and inkwell pretty much covered it, though I would recommend "underground cell where he and his squad spent the night," over Inkwell's suggestion.

[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited April 21, 2004).]


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