posted
The room was dark. There was not a trace of sound to be heard, except for that of the shallow breathing of the other person in the room. Into the air appeared a small flame. The flame remained small yet the intensity gradually increased, brighter and brighter. The little girl was stunned, she just didn't know how it came to be there or or what was feeding it. "Master, I still don't understand how you do it.. I mean how does the flame just come to be?" asked the little girl. His reply came swiftly, already knowing the answer, "Concentrate on not the cause of the flame or the flame itself. Think of the element of fire, and how fire works. Then imagine the flame starting out as a small atom the size of an air molecule, then you will understand how the flame exsists." The little girl closed her eyes, and once again concentrated, keeping the picture of a flame in her head. "No." she said aloud. She then concentrated deeper. She thought to the air itself, then to individual molecules. Again she began to reformulate the image of the flame in that molecule. A second flame joined the room, however the little girls eyes were closed and she did not realize this. "Ouch!" the little girl yelped in pain from being burnt. The wise master spoke up again, "Now that you can make the flame, you must learn to master it".
This is about 13 lines in the processor. If anyone could check this out please do. I'm not going to offer more than this, even in email, as it still isn't completed. This is a key section in the book when it starts to warm up. Thanks in advance for looking at it
[This message has been edited by peterpandanny (edited May 09, 2004).]
posted
Is this supposed to be entirely in one paragraph? When I look at it, my eyes seem to slide down the page because the paragraph contains far too much information. I suggest you split it up, perhaps according to who is speaking at the time. In other words, have the Master's words and the little girl's words in different paragraphs.
Currently it reads like a summary. The little girl is learning too fast. Even grasping magic can't be that easy for someone. She seems to make a paradigm leap inside her mind almost immediately. Unless she is a genius, this is very unlikely.
"Then imagine the flame starting out as a small atom the site of an air molecule, then you will understand how the flame exsists."
I read this several times and I still don't understand what you mean. Maybe it's because I don't know much about science. Does air even have a molecule, per se? I can remember from high school science that water has a molecule, but I think air is composed of oxygen, carbon dioxide, nitrogen and trace elements. Unless you're talking about the carbon dioxide molecule...
It is unnecessary to use the words 'wise master'. It is almost redundant as most people who gain mastery of a subject (especially one which is magical) are wise. And you can tell from his words that he is wise.
However, overall it is a very interesting idea. I like your writing style, but I just think you need to expand on the thoughts of the little girl. She needs to have some difficulty with it. Considering it is her first time encountering the flame, she gets the concpet too easily.
posted
Wow, I never really thought of it that way.. but it makes sense to me now. She would have to have a very steep learning curve to understand something so suddenly. your input is highly valued thank you. I made a spelling mistake I didn't pick up there, sorry. Site = Size. I will make the correction now But thank you very much!
Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2004
|
posted
I have revised the previous paragraph into 3 as follows, however it is slightly longer:
' The room was dark. There was not a trace of sound to be heard, except for that of the shallow breathing of the other person in the room. Into the air appeared a small flame. The flame remained small yet the intensity gradually increased, brighter and brighter. The little girl was stunned, she just didn't know how it came to be there or what was feeding it. "Master, I still don't understand how you do it.. I mean how does the flame just come to be?" asked the little girl. His reply came swiftly, already knowing the answer, "Concentrate on not the cause of the flame or the flame itself. Think of the element of fire, and how fire works. Then imagine the flame starting out as a small atom the size of an air molecule, then you will understand how the flame exsists." The little girl closed her eyes, and once again concentrated, keeping the picture of a flame in her head. "No." she said aloud. She then concentrated deeper. She thought to the air itself, then to individual molecules. Again she began to reformulate the image of the flame in that molecule. She could picture the flame itself and its relativity to the size of an atom, however, she could not understand how to make the flame appear. She let out a deep sigh of relinquish. The master spoke up again, "It is not only about picturing the flame, it is about imagining the flame into existence".'
[This message has been edited by peterpandanny (edited May 09, 2004).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
But thank you very much!
