posted
nfg.ca has a contest for flash fiction that is exactly 69 words long, not counting the title. I've never tried to write anything this short. I think this is a story, is it?
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Betty Ford and Dopey
Trinc embodied road rage. "Stop gawking! Drive!" Betty giggled. God, he hated that. He needed a less saccharine A.I. navigator. "There’s a route, Dopey.” He glanced at her speaker. “Really?” “Hard left.” An ambulance. If he could get in its wake… “Go!” He floored it. “Hard right. Go.” Betty wormed between vehicles. An off-ramp beckoned. “Yes! Oh God, yes! Betty, I love you.” She giggled. “Just floor it, Dopey.”
posted
I've read it 5 times, and I don't quite get it, other than you've got an passenger and AI with driving issues that are somehow is a pun on drugs and the Betty Ford clinic.
It might be a story, but if it is, I'm very confused.
So few words though -- that would be a challenge. I've done 300 a few times, and that doesn't give a lot of room really.
posted
To be honest, I've never tried to write anything that short. I did a couple 100 word flash fiction pieces for a contest but I found that there was no room to ever tell a story in that few words. You could describe a situation, relying heavily on people's prejudices, but a story with a beginning, middle, and end, I've never seen in so few words. The best I did was around 300, like GZ said.
What you've written is a bit confusing ot me. The trouble is, given the restraints of the contest, I'm not sure how to tell you to fix it.
Here's a point of confusion...who's driving? Is the AI actually running the car or just telling him what to do? "Betty wormed between vehicles." Actually, this sentence is the only really confusing one on that point, the rest make it clear she's just a navigator, but what did this mean?
That's all i got for you...a real challenge, to be sure.
posted
Yeah. That is confusing. The AI was just telling him to run the car, but I'll drop that. I think I've spent more time deleting words than I have writing them. There's this great Mark Twain quote which says that the difference between almost the right word and exactly the right word is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Is this better? --- Betty giggled. Trinc hated his saccharine A.I. navigator only slightly less than the current traffic jam. "Hey Dopey, I found a route." He glanced at her speaker. "Really?" In his mirrors, he saw what Betty already knew; an ambulance. If he could get in its wake... He floored it. Betty wormed them between vehicles and an off-ramp beckoned. "Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes! Betty, I love you." She giggled.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 18, 2004).]
The re-written version was much clearer, but I had some trouble with the concept of the AI navigator actually steering the vehicle. I would have guessed that either it gave directions only, or it did all the driving --including the acceleration.
posted
Closer...this is closer....I still have the impression that Betty is driving when you say "Betty wormed them between vehicles and an off-ramp beckoned."
I think I understand what you're trying to do here...you've given the car a name. If I'm driving down the highway...(Well, if I was driving down the highway you should all run for your lives cuz I'm legally blind... ) If my husband was driving down the highway and I saw a blue Betty Ford tearing down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, I would say that the Betty Ford wormed in and out of traffic. BUT, if I was sitting inside that Betty Ford, and my husband was at the wheel, I would say that my husband wormed in and out of traffic. Neither one of these statements is correct, of course. What actually happened was that "the driver of the Betty Ford wormed the car in and out of traffic." Neither one did it alone, and since we're lazy, the one we choose to mention depends upon our perspective. Your characters are both in the car, so the perspective should be that the driver wormed his way in and out of traffic, perhaps even at Betty's suggestion.
posted
Mary-- I agree that the second version is much better. As writing, I think it is well done. But is it a short story? My impression is that it is a slice out of a larger story rather than a story in itself.
If Dopey were telling this story to his friends, how might it be different? (I'm not suggesting you write it as if he is telling it, but imagining it might help.)
What is it about? Why Dopey now loves his A.I? How Betty got her master out of a traffic jam? Something else?
I'm afraid I'm not being very helpful. I'm not finding the right way to express myself. If someone else knows what I mean, please interpret. [And I call myself a writer!]
posted
No, UnheardOf, you were quite clear. All I wanted to do was try to show how someone can go from hating a machine to loving it in a matter of minutes. Boom. There's my character arc. I think I may just give up. It's a good exercise, but I'm not sure that its a form I'm really interested in, in the long run.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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This is a free contest? What's the worst that can happen, they don't want it? My theory is that in 69 words you've got as much of a story as anyone. So just send it in and see what happens.
posted
Yeah, I agree with Christine, don't give up! Go ahead and send it in. If you never want to do another one, fine. It's still nice writing. I looked at the nfg.ca site, they don't seem to be very specific on the criteria for the 69 word short story. The one 69-er I read on their site, wasn't dissimiliar to yours in that it was more like a "slice" to me. (About a vampire, so it appeared. Yeesh!)So go for it. And now that you've tried it, you've found out more about what you enjoy writing. That's worth it in itself. I always advocate writer trying new things.
[This message has been edited by UnheardOf (edited May 20, 2004).]
posted
I actually like the first version. Add a paragraph break after "get in its wake...." to clear that up, and it's about as much story as you can fit into 69 words.
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