Yeah, and I suppose it would be helpful to actually include it (hence the update).

We watched the paramedics load the old man into the ambulance from between the slats of our Venetian blinds. All of us. We had dropped our hoses and spades and trimmers and retreated inside where we could watch her the way she watched us. A hose gushed unattended next door. A flowerbed across the street gaped open with a bare-root rose bush balanced on the edge of a hole, waiting to be tipped in.

The ambulance drove away without siren, without lights. We all knew what that meant. It meant she was alone now.

She didn’t even watch the ambulance out of sight. She stood there in her driveway looking from house to house, looking at us.

And she saw us. Every one of us. We knew she did. Because that was part of it. We had gone inside and peeked through the blinds, opening little triangles in them like upside down jack o’ lantern eyes. We wanted her to know we were there. We wanted her to know we were watching. We wanted her to know we didn’t care

UPDATE: I had a couple of hours of flow! I finished the story (first draft anyway) if anyone wants to pick it apart.

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited June 09, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited June 10, 2004).]

Those are just a few things that came to my mind. I know I haven't posted anything on this thread ( yet, working on it ) but isn't it open to comments from everyone?

I have a question in addition to the ones above: Where's the rest of this great hook?

CVG

I thought that 'she' was on the gurney.

The imagery at the end of the first paragraph was a bit heavy. Why would your narrator use such language? In a third-person tale, it might be permissable, but in first person, it distances us from the narrator.

Then again, by the time you get to the imagery, you've already slipped into the. . . um, can't think of the word. 'Group' POV, I guess, using 'we' to tell the story instead of your initial 'I.' This could be a problem unless you can justify how your narrator knows what everyone else on the street is thinking.

Monolith, I'm pleased that you have so many questions. That means you're hooked and want to read more. Mind if I send it on to you for a critique when I'm done?

Thanks cvgurau. Taken into consideration and changed per your suggestion.

As for the name of SHE, I'm actually leaning toward a nameless piece. I've already taken out the two names that appear in the post. Would it be just too wierd or bothersome to have NO names? Would it, as I'm hoping, add to the creepiness if it were just 'she' and 'we?'
And as far as the POV Christine, I can see your point about the POV character hiding things she knows. It will all come, it's just a matter of putting the details in a good order--and no, I'm not going to keep the secrets until the final moment of revelation. The moment of revelation will be the end, chronologically, of the story. The details of the past will be unwound along the way--in fact in the first few paragraphs after the hook.

That said, do you think I should work the hook into it's proper chronological place? Or does it work so well as a hook that you would forgive my going back in time in the next paragraph?

And Scott, I agree about the POV. I've edited and removed the 'I' POV and have switched exclusively to a 'we.'I'm going for a group pshychy (SP?) here--us against her. Too off the wall? The creepy thing is that this story is inspired by very real events and there exists in the real-world story a very strong 'we vs. she' mentality. I wanted to emphasize that. And your point about the jack-o-lantern eyes--when I pull my blinds open to peak out I usually pull down, making a point down triangle, which would generally be an upside down jack-o-lantern eye. You mean, you pull the slats up when you peak out through your blinds? It takes all kinds.

Now there was a few "That's why" but was that to get a point across? That bugged me.

Now, I'm only guessing here, but this old lady, is she one of those spinster types that grates on everyone's nerves? I think that they were picking up her personality and were begining to like her and didn't want her to leave. Is that a fair assesment?

Now as for me liking it or disliking, I was a little disappointed that it ended like it did, and I think that if you continued it, I think that the reader would like the old lady too. The whole story kinda went downhill for me as if you hurried through it a little, but the begining definitly had me hooked. But I think if you went over it again and made a few corrections I think that it would turn out on a more even keel.
It ended too fast for me.

I'd focus more on making the story work well, and less on little gimmicks.

I think my biggest problem is that I may be too close to the situation the story reflects. And maybe the reason I'm distancing the reader from the characters is some sort of protective instinct. There is no one in this story I want the reader to identify with because no one should have to be able to identify with this kind of evil.