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Gallows of Tomorrow

Kelsoe grimaced as he watched the technicians prep their equipment, worried eyes falling on each new component of the machine as it was assembled. They’d forced him to come, had found it amusing for him to be present at the construction of his own ‘gallows oak.’ Frankly, he did not appreciate the gesture, as he’d told them with a fair amount of morbid sarcasm dripping from every word. The guards had laughed, admiring his courage, even if it was just a brave show.

Which it was, he thought solemnly. Death was not something he was ready for, not yet. There was so much to do, so many possibilities—it was not his time, could not be his time. This last thought simmered in Kelsoe’s mind, burning away the growing sense of fear. Only anger remained now, the cold anger he’d been known for in years past. They’d taken everything—his family, his work. Nothing was left except his pride, and that was in short supply. Once he’d finished their blasted equations they had hauled off the results, taking him along for the ride. Apparently, this was the final destination.
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Example " They forced him to come"

Somehow "They" sounds better to me than "They'd". I don't know why but it does.

But I do give you kudos on trying to write different things. Is this the kind of critism you were looking for?

quote:

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Posted by Monolith:

Inkwell, the only thing that I can say about this is one thing that kinda stuck out, the "They'd". They would have been ok.
Example " They forced him to come"

Somehow "They" sounds better to me than "They'd". I don't know why but it does.

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I was going for past perfect tense with that particular contraction. Perhaps "they had" would sound better (actually, I was trying to use an informal thought pattern...I've noticed that many people [Americans] tend to use "they'd" instead of "they had" in both common thought and speech). I'll think about changing "they'd" so as to make the sentence(s) more comfortable to read.

quote:

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Is this the kind of critism you were looking for?

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Absolutely. This kind of criticism makes me question my own word usage. I don't always catch rough spots while reading my own work, so comments like this help me immensely in the revision process. Thanks for posting.

Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Another thing: I'd change "worried eyes falling" to "worried gaze falling." The first version, especially at the start of an SF story, I interpret literally. Later on in the story, when we know what kind of world we're in, and that eyes don't actually fall, you could use it.

Also: a "gallows oak" is a tree where they hang people. It grows, it isn't built. So you better stick with "gallows."

Drop "dripping from every word."

It does make me want to read more.

I think it could be better.

The first paragraph hinted at a scene you've neglected to show us....a vivid scene in which Kelose is dragged to the gallows to watch men build it and he has some exchange with them. Now, this is just a thought, but I think there are several advantages to showing thi sscene. First of all, you can show the conflict in the very first sentence, not even waiting until partway through hte paragraph. Second, you can begin to show Kelose's character rather than telling us about it....through his thoughts, words, and mannerisms as he watches the guard build his gallows.

Anyway, like I said, I liked it. I just figure great is always better than good.

Except one more thing. The next-to-last sentence bothers me a bit. Just because there isn't anything to set me up for it. I feel a little thrown around. First we're talking about his family, work, pride. Things we can all relate to and look forward to reading more about without qualifying them. Suddenly I'm dumped into the middle of some unknown equations. That's not something most readers will relate to immediately without qualifying them. And are the equations exploding? Like rickfisher said, in SF you tend to take things literally. Then I'm told about some mysterious results of those ambiguous equations. Then I'm told about a 'ride.' Again, I initially took this literally--funny the changes your brain makes (and so quickly) in interpreting the information you're reading just because what you are reading is Science Fiction.