posted
I've just finished revising my draft of my novelette, and would love to have some readers to comment. I'm to the point now where I would love some really nit-picky stuff (word choice, sentence and paragraph flow, imagery, etc), but would also appreciate any comments on the story in general, character development, and the like. Let me know if you're interested and I'll send you the whole thing. About 11,000 words.
--------------------------------------------- Jameen a’Riman had discovered them by accident. He was leading his men back to the capital after a three-year tour of the southern borders, when he came through the village of Tareed. It was the first building he had walked up to, hoping to find water for his men. There he found the rebels.
It was unfortunate, though. He was anxious to get home. Instead of a full day of traveling, he spent the morning of the arrest searching the building and asking questions of the prisoners. The heat did not help.
He now stood surveying the dusty room. On the dirt floor before him, bound at the wrists by rope, sat four men and a woman--No, four boys and a girl--all wearing white robes, marked on the chest with an unbroken line, twisting back on itself to outline three triangles; the training cloth worn by Tyros of the Elenoi. Jameen scoffed aloud at the thought.
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 03, 2004).]
posted
I'll take a look at it. E-mail's in the profile. Don't know, though, whether I'll have time doing the nitpicking because I'll be leaving on holiday soon. But I can promise I'll take a look at the story arc and character development etc.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Don't do this "them>>rebels" crap. At best, the reader will simply think you're not a very good writer. At worst, they'll think you do this kind of thing on purpose.
I don't care which it actually is. Just don't do it.
posted
Sent. And yes, I realize nit-picking is a lot of work, and didn't mean to sound like that's what I expect from readers. But I'll take it if anybody wants to give it
Survivor - I see it, and will have it changed in my next revision.
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited July 04, 2004).]
posted
The "them" in the first paragraph leaves the reader to wonder what is being refered to until the pronoun is defined as "rebel's" a bit later. It's a clarity issue. If you call them rebels from the first sentence, then I know what the main character is dealing with right up front and not left guessing. (I assume Survivor was referring to the same issue.)
I have some time to take a look.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited July 03, 2004).]
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