posted
Here is the start of a short story I've been working on. It's a tiny 2k, so if anyone was willing to look at it, I'd be most appreciative.
quote:
Kate waited outside the classroom, ready for the worst. What could she expect, anyway? She had lost her art project—what would the teacher, Mr. Lee, care? Few teachers she could think of would take mercy on her, and Mr. Lee would probably be no exception. For one thing, he actually disliked her. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how many hours she spent, he never gave her anything above a B.
So why would today be any different? She could imagine the conversation:
"Oh, it's okay. You lost your project? Don't worry about it. I'll just give you an F and that's that."
Of course, Mr. Lee wouldn't talk like that. English wasn't his first language, and when he spoke it, it was in a thick Spanish accent.
Still, she had to try. An F would lower her average to the failing point, as she had found out from asking one of those math geniuses.
The previous class spilled out. Kate swallowed several times. Okay, this is it. Don't screw up, and don't be too upset if he gives you an F.
posted
I don't have time to look at it (I'm behind schedule on 4 other critiques), but an "F" won't lower your average to an "F", a ZERO will. (Or might, anyway.)
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I didn't find the intro to this story very gripping. Especially if it is short (as you said), I'm not expecting this to amount to much. If, however, there is something ELSE that happens that will overshadow this beginning, you may consider whipping it out at us a bit earlier.
posted
I'm afraid I don't have time to give it a read at the moment....have a copjle debts cashed in (in terms of reading) and have to finish my own short story by the WOTF deadline. But I have a couple comments about this section.
"For one thing, he actually disliked her. "
The actually looks entirely out of place here. It's a week word anyway, one that should be avoided in most cases, but in this case I don't think it conveys what you want it to and should be cut.
Second, if I have a teacher who speaks in a Spanish accent (or if I knwo someone who speaks with a Spanish accent) I imagine them speaking in that accent. I do not imagine them speaking in English and then later think, Oh, but he wouldn't really say that beccause he's got a Spanish accent. It would probalby help if you found some way to tag the line so that he is talking in his thick spanish accent right then in her head.
Finally, a 0 combined with all other grades B (assumeing the B is an 80%) does not make an overall grade of F unles there are fewer than 4 projects durying the semester. You have given me the impression that there have been many, owing to Kate's complaint that Mr. Lee never gave her more than a B...it sounds like this has happened often. If they have 4 projects, she would get a D for the class. If she had 8 projects it would climb up to a C...and this is all assuming the lowest B of a 80%...if she's just barely missing A she fares better. (You can think I'm overintellectualizing this if you want, but this is the sort of detail that actually jumps out at certian people, of which I happen to be one...I always make sure the math works out in ages, dates, and grades...the latter because I was always so hung up on them. )
posted
Rahl might be jumping the gun if this is a young adult story.
Rather than give an awkward info dumpette about how the teacher wouldn't speak, feather it in. Maybe: <She could imagine the conversation, thick with Mr. Lee's Spanish accent....>
Curious. Do you mean that young adults don't care to jump into action as quickly, or do you mean that to young adults, this would already seem pertinent enough to warrant a short story?
posted
The latter. That's not to say it doesn't need editing. Phanto asked for readers, not online critiqueing, so I was commenting on your comment, but since I'm already into it, I'll add that it might be better to start with the last paragraph: <Kate waited outside the classroom, ready for the worst as the previous class spilled out. She swallowed several times. Okay, this is it. Don't screw up, and don't be too upset if he gives you an F.> Then feather in some exposition. MHO, of course.
posted
I like the beginning of this story. I can certainly sympathize with the character because I've been in that same situation half a dozen times myself. Not usually in art though. Send it over if you'd like.
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