Now the problem I'm running into is that I think I'm describing too much, but I don't want to wait until a particualr room or feature comes up to describe it, and I kinda like opening with a detailed description of the building a major backdrop of the story.

So, if any wants to read a page or two of the opening chapter and give me some feedback I would be apprectiative...

Approx first 13 lines:

Baby Dolls Gentlemen’s Club was an upscale establishment, or as upscale as an establishment of that nature could be, located in Los Angeles. Despite being a topless club, it held it’s own with the two competing full nude club’s on the same street, as those businesses weren’t permitted by law to sell alcohol, and Baby Doll’s had the benefit of not one, but two bars. When faced with the choice of completely naked women and no alcohol, or mostly naked women and as much alcohol as one could afford, the latter usually prevailed.

While the obligatory black lighting and florescent pink neon lights were prevalent, Stan Eaton, the club’s owner and sole manager, made the conscious decision to go against the perceived image of “the seedy dive”. The club was spacious, clean, carpeted throughout, and all the seating was freshly upholstered without tears or holes hidden by duct tape.

The front doors opened into a small greeting area where ID’s were checked and cover charges were collected. It was a sparse room with only a hostess station, ATM, and a door marked, “PRIVATE” off to the side, which led to the backstage dressing area.

Through the double door entrance of the club proper, was the smaller of the two showrooms. An elevated stage up against a mirrored wall ran the length of the small room on the left hand side.

I thought this was pretty darn good and not only set the scene well but said something about Stan. And since the scene varied from the status quo (the bar not being your typical seedy dive) the description needed to be made.

I have one tiny nitpick: The use of the words 'prevailed' at the end of the first paragraph, and 'prevalent' in the first sentence of the second. They sound too similar used so close together. When I hit 'prevalent' I paused, certain I had just read it. I had, in a different form only 12 words previous. Change one.

What I attempt to do is take you on a tour through the front door to the dressing area where the main character is going on stage.

Don't worry there's nothing too tawdry in the what I'm sending you.

PS: Thanks for the prevailed/prevalent thing. I'll take a look at that...

Honestly, I think this (not part of your story, part of your message to us) is the biggest problem with your description and your opening. Description becomes tedious when it is irrelevant, and you have just described a club with absolutely no context. If this is a short stroy, the sluh editor will have already nixed it. If this is a novel, I've honestly seen them start like this, but I don't think it's good.

You can use as much description as you want if you describe things at the point that they become meaningful to the story. All of a suddden, I need to know that "the front doors opened into a small greeting area..." then it becomes interesting. Until then, not so much.

That said, I could even see you keeping the first two paragraphs. It's the last two that killed it. All of a sudden I wasn't reading a story, I was awtching a camera float through the front doors of the bar and scan every angle. Be careful to write a story, not try to describe a movie. You can't write a movie as well as a camear can show it, but as a writer, there are strengths that the camera doesn't have, like getting into a character's head and showing us things through their eyes. What is Stan doing? What is he thinking? What does he want?

Sidebar: Having been in the military, I was contractually obligated [read as: dragged by young Marines who needed a ride out in town] to visit nearly every type of men's establishment available. If I never see another, I'd be a happy man.

Well, yes, I do think cinematically, and I did envision moving shot through the club, and eventually into the stage entrance of the dressing room. I knew it was a bit much which is why I asked to make sure. Guess I’ll have to rethink it.

HSO,

I was trying to lay everything out so I wouldn’t have to go back and explain it later. I have a pretty firm grasp on it now as I can pretty much go back to the way I originally had it…

In case anyone’s interested…

Ginger Davenport’s head throbbed in rhythm with Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” which was emanating from the nearly twenty speakers scattered throughout Baby Dolls Gentlemen’s Club. The song would no doubt be stuck in her head for the rest of the night.

She sat in front of the mirror, trying to apply her make-up as quickly as possible. She was due on the main stage for her first set of the evening in eighteen minutes. It seemed that everything was broken down in three minute intervals in her line of work. Not helping her situation, was the fact she had just stepped through the door no more than a song and a half ago.

Her increasingly severe headache made it difficult to concentrate on anything but the loud, bass-filled music. She threw her mascara brush on the make-up table in disgust. “I wanna go home,” she mumbled to herself.

Your two beginnings reminded me of it.

Anyways, I like the second one better too. It gets to the action of the character giving me someone to care about. As a woman I'm not that interested in reading about a gentleman's club but I am interested in reading about a person.

quote:

---

I'd love to read some more. E-mail's in my profile.

---

Let me spruce up the first chapter and I'll send it off to ya.

Wow, Calgary...Alberta, Canada. Bret "Hitman" Hart is my personal idol! Sorry about the Flames I was pretty dissapointed myself...