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Greetings. This is a small WIP intro from my latest fantasy short story project. Just wanted to get some feedback on the first few lines. No title as of yet, though a few 'possibilities' are under consideration. FYI, I am using this story as an experiment in a more formal type of descriptive prose (heads-up for those of you who do not enjoy a seemingly ‘antiquated’ writing style…this one might be slightly annoying). All comments are, as always, greatly appreciated.
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Moonlight filtered through a sea of leaves and intertwining branches, casting an unearthly glow over the forest. Gray limbs seemed to eagerly catch the light and harness it—as if drawing on the silver rays of the moon like ordinary rainwater. Local folk considered this to be truth, claiming that the drinking of moonlight caused the trees’ somewhat unusual coloration. Irwin was not totally sure he believed the supposition, though it did make a small measure of sense in a way. A crude way, to be sure, but not impossibly so. Stranger things could be found in the deep regions of the forest. What was considered unusual in the towns and villages was commonplace amongst the gray trees and silver leaves.
The soft light sifted to earth in a mesmerizing pattern of illumination and shadow, weaving across the ground like a living thing. A gentle breeze stirred the labyrinthine tangle of branches, the leaves themselves whispering as they brushed against one another. The soft rustle blended seamlessly with the rest of nature’s nighttime symphony, a random masterpiece completely undisturbed by man or beast.
A crunch shattered the peacefulness of the night, far below the maze of branches. Not a native thing, Irwin knew. Creatures born of the forest made no sound after sunset—at least, no sound that a newcomer would detect. ---------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
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I have a weakness for novels of bygone years. Jane Austen - Myrtle Reed. I just finished reading "The Dead Letter" and "The Figure Eight" by Metta Victor Fuller (America's first detective novelist) who wrote in the 1880's. So if you really wanted to make it sound like an 'antiquated' era, I could actually help.
But, I think you mean that you just want to play with language. On the whole the effect of the more formal language captures a feel of an older time. Nice use of language and anthropamorphism. Strangely, I want some of your sentences to be longer. For instance:
quote: Irwin was not totally sure he believed the supposition, though it did make a small measure of sense in a way. A crude way, to be sure, but not impossibly so.
I think this could be reworked to one sentence which would help with the sense of flowing movement that the words are giving to the landscape. If you set as a short sentence, consider Irwin's introduction. A short sentence in the midst of the description will pop him out, bringing him into sharper focus for your reader.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Moonlight filtered through a sea of leaves and intertwining branches, casting an unearthly glow over the forest.
A mechanical whine of protest invaded the customary silence of the tunnel, rebounding endlessly down a maze of deep mine shafts.
The twin doors of the great hall swung open with a ponderous groan.
You have a very consistant, eloquent, poetic style . It's very intricate, but the downside of it is, of course, that in get too intricate.
Anyway, enough about that.
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Moonlight filtered through a sea of leaves and intertwining branches, casting an unearthly glow over the forest. Gray limbs seemed to eagerly catch the light and harness it—as if drawing on the silver rays of the moon like ordinary rainwater. Local folk considered this to be truth, claiming that the drinking of moonlight caused the trees’ somewhat unusual coloration. Irwin was not totally sure he believed the supposition, though it did make a small measure of sense in a way. A crude way, to be sure, but not impossibly so. Stranger things could be found in the deep regions of the forest. What was considered unusual in the towns and villages was commonplace amongst the gray trees and silver leaves.
*blink*
Mind Freeze!
This big chunk of information melts my mind. I thought it was all description--but once I worked through, I found out about a character Irwin.
Methinks you should split in half.
quote: Moonlight filtered through a sea of leaves and intertwining branches, [u]casting an unearthly glow over the forest[/u]. Gray limbs seemed to eagerly catch the light and harness it—as if drawing on the silver rays of the moon like ordinary rainwater. Local folk considered this to be truth, [u]claiming that the drinking of moonlight caused the trees’ somewhat unusual coloration.[/u] Space -- For my convience, but I recommend you keep it Irwin was not totally sure he believed the supposition,[u] though it did make a small measure of sense in a way[/u]. A crude way, to be sure, but not impossibly so. Stranger things could be found in the deep regions of the forest. What was considered unusual in the towns and villages was commonplace amongst the gray trees and silver leaves.
The soft light sifted to earth in a mesmerizing pattern of illumination and shadow, [u]weaving across the ground like a living thing.[/u] A gentle breeze stirred the labyrinthine tangle of branches, [u]the leaves themselves whispering as they brushed against one another.[/u] The soft rustle blended seamlessly with the rest of nature’s nighttime symphony,[u] a random masterpiece completely undisturbed by man or beast. [/u]
As I look deeper into it, you use "soft" twice in almost touching sentences. Also note that every sentence starts with the same pattern:
Noun or Adjective + Noun
Not saying it means anything, but when I try to read it, I find it thicker than normal. This could be the reason.
Edit: Underlined other repeating patterns Edit2: In fact, the last paragraph uses the same pattern three times in a row.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited July 13, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited July 13, 2004).]
SSHHMMOOOOOOTTHH!! I like. But for one word. Third paragraph--'crunch.' It stands out, doesn't fit, too, I don't know--I think my internal thesaurus has shut off for the night. But I wonder if crackle or snap might work better. Snap maybe because it's a crisper sound, more like a twig being stepped on rather than the sound you make when you walk on icy snow--which is a 'crunch' to me.
posted
I'm reminded of Guy Gavriel Kay for some reason... not a bad thing. Kay writes some very beautiful passages -- and quite possibly some of the longest sentences ever made.
posted
I found it quite atmospheric, and the prose very smooth and melodic, up until the crunch, which then isn’t supposed to be smooth anymore. And for as little as is Irwin is mentioned, we learn quite a bit about the character.
Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Hmmm, Phanto seems to be the only one that tripped over the POV paradigm shift (since the POV doesn't actually shift, just the reader's perception of what POV you're using). I didn't so much trip over it as notice it.
I also notice that Irwin has absolutely no action in this scene so far, he has no physical posture, nor a defined location, not even a particular state (alert, resting, meditating...busy would be a stretch since he has no actions to be busy doing, but then, he's not actually sitting/standing/walking/hanging anywhere to have any of the other postures either).
Even so, we do get a significant amount of character information (though not even an iota of class information aside from being able to exclude omniscience as an Attribute), and a strong sense of setting. We also have the introduction of a potential conflict point. So it is pretty strong despite being a bit confusing (I assure you that the reader will have formed some incorrect impressions about Irwin, both what he is and what he's doing).
posted
Far, far too long for a short story. Very good start for a novel.
Unless you're writing about the mysticism involved with the moonbeam-drinking trees (which COULD be interesting, actually) then you need to get into some story.
Again, no problems with the prose as is... just a problem with it trying to be the start to a short story.
posted
I disagree that this is showing omnisense as a character attribute. There's nothing up there that Irwin couldn't have witnessed himself. I also think that it's pretty clear that the forest is going to play a major role in this story, so I don't think its too long for a short story. If it's not going to play a major role...then it's not a problem of it being too long as of it being the wrong opening.
I think Survivor does raise a good point about not having an idea of what Irwin is physically doing. Is he walking, waiting, hiding...?
Impressions of Irwin. He's from out of the area, "Local folk considered..." He's been there for a while, because he heard the crunch in the forest which "a newcomer would not detect." My impression, unsupported, is that he's standing and waiting for something, and that he's come to the forest in the night for a reason.
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. It's very intricate, but the downside of it is, of course, that in get too intricate.
