posted
Here's the first 13 lines. The whole piece is about 4500 words, SF. Anyone who is interested in reading and crittiquing the whole thing, let me know. Thanks guys.
Heresy
***
When Uriel was called to appear before the Council, he knew they were sending him out on a contract, but he wasn’t sure which one. Usually there were plenty of rumors about a contract long before it was assigned. This time, there were none. New contracts were rare enough these days that word of one usually lit up the dormitories of the Order. Uriel hadn’t heard anything though. He was puzzled by this silence. However, it had been months since he had been on a contract and he was eagerly anticipating being assigned one now. He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing. He strode up to the doors of the Council chamber and knocked the prescribed pattern indicating a summons being answered. An inner guard opened the doors, and nodded to one of the outer guards, who had turned to receive the assent. The two outer guards, standing on either side of the massive doors, looked at Uriel for a moment and then stepped aside so that he could enter.
posted
Wish I could offer to read. I'm up to my armpits in work right now.
But about your first thirteen lines:
My first reaction is that it's too passive. The most active sentence in the whole first paragraph is the last. All the others are plagued by 'was' and 'had.'
Next, At this stage of the game I'm a little bothered that I don't know the nature of the 'contract.' I would rather you draw me in by introducing me to the moment of tension that is obviously about to happen inside the Council chambers, then, after Uriel has received the orders, explain about the 'contract.' Doing this would largely solve the passive opening problem as well.
If he is going to walk into those Council chambers and be surprised by NOT receiving a 'contract,' then you will have wasted my time by dwelling so thoroughly on them in the first paragraph. It's like putting a bunch of kids on a bus for a 'big surprise,' giving them all Mickey Mouse hats then taking them on a tour of a cheese factory.
Overall, you're doing a good job of building a community atmosphere of some sort here--the dormitories, the waiting together for a job, the unused skills and the training. But there isn't enough here to draw me into the story. However, it's not horrid enough that I wouldn't first turn the page and see what was coming up next before deciding to leave it on the shelf or buy it.
posted
Dakota is right about the "was/had" thing, and it's something I'm guilty of, too. Someone pointed it out to me and it really helped me not do it anymore.
You could strenthen that first sentence by removing the When... and then the rest of the paragraph by writing it in present tense. I guess you could do it like:
Uriel stood before the council, knowing he would be sent out on a contract, but not sure which one.
But even that feels a bit weak to me... hopefully, you get the idea.
Otherwise, I don't agree that it was too passive. Some stories start slower than others, requiring a little setup to get going. I think that's just writer's preference. But most of us would like it to start off with some sort of "actiony" conflict of sorts.
I have a question for everyone, though. This sentence here:
quote:He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing.
Is it fine as is, or would it be better if it used parentheses or dashes to offset the aside? I suppose it could also be preference... but I'd like to know what everyone else thinks (for my own benefit) Example:
He didn't want his skills to to have a chance to rust -- which they would eventually if unused -- despite his constant training and practicing.
HSO
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 10, 2004).]
posted
You use the word "contract" way too many times. Uriel knows what these "contracts" are, but we don't (having just watched some anime featuring the adventures of a group of newbie ninjas and their slightly jaded trainer/guardian, I'm open to the idea that the Order handles more than one specific type of job). The fact that Uriel is effectively thinking something that is kept basically incomprehensible to us hurts the initial character identification/sympathy/bonding. That may or may not be your intent (but usually, you should use moral ambiguity rather than simple "factual" ambiguity).
As for the "too passive" comments, I see that too. During your entire first paragraph, there isn't a hint of "current" action. It is all just musing about things known to Uriel, which seems to happen nowhere and at no time in particular. This makes the sudden appearance of a door rather...it lacks context. We could have been anticipating the moment he walks up to those doors, instead, you didn't even let us know there would be doors (and don't go and change it to mention that "the Council had doors").
quote:He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing.
The first part is easy: "He didn't want his skills to rust" but the rest of the sentence seems more convoluted. Constant training and practicing might very well keep skills from rusting, yet I understand how real-life situations have an element all their own. I'd probably use a couple sentences here, but if you insist on a one-liner: "He didn't want his skills to rust, knowing that even constant training and practicing needed to be cemented with real-world situations."
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited July 10, 2004).]
posted
I think the biggest problem with this is that you're trying to introduce us to a new universe or world, but you're slamming us over the head with it instead of leading us into it. It's still an interesting world, though...
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jun 2004
|
posted
So does this mean that no one is willing to give the whole story a go? I'd appreciate even just one person taking the time to give it a read. I've been through numerous drafts with this one, and even after leaving it for a few months, I feel I'm too close to this one to get a good read on it. Please?
posted
The intro is decent but I think I'd only be repeating what others have said. I agree on the long sentence about his skills and such, it could be shortened a little. But the first sentence in the second paragraph, could be shortened too. Just say something like: 'He walked up to the doors of the Council chambers and knocked as instructed.' I also think that the second sentence could be cut too, talk out 'who had turned to recieve the assent', the flow is still there and you still get your point across. You could also probably get rid of 'so that he could enter'. IMO
However, those are only suggestions.
I'd also like to take a look at it as well. Email is in my profile. Thanks.
posted
I'll have a read, if you're patient. I am going to be on a road trip for the next week, so I won't be able to read it before, say, next week-end.
Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2004
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
