posted
Hey, I've been hanging around a while and guess I need to start contributing something. This is the opening to a sci-fi, espionage-type short story I'm working on. Working title is - Trust the Other. I currently have about 3000 words in a rough draft form, but have most of the rest of the story mapped out. Wanted to get your valued opinions on the opening. Of course if anyone would like to look at the rest, let me know and I'll clean it up and send it.
Thanks.
***
Quillan Marks slowed the aging groundcar and glanced at the cryptic driving directions taped to the dashboard. Periodically, he glanced at the rear display, but never saw anything except empty road lined by tangled undergrowth and swamp trees. The clean steel and plastic shine of the city was far behind him now, barely coloring the rear horizon with pale glow. The empty roadway bothered him more than it should, it didn't seem right somehow. Normally, traffic in the city was heavy and a constant challenge to navigate, it was strange to be so alone. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of this whole thing that really bothered him, or perhaps it was the darkness around the car that made him feel so alone. He had turned off all but the running lights since entering the swamplands. Given the nature of his trip, he wanted to avoid the attention of the authorities at all costs. Still, he had not seen darkness as complete as this in awhile. Not that it should worry him, he was accustomed to maneuvering in uncertain conditions, but, unlike the old groundcar, the aircraft he normally flew had sensors and low visibility indicators to guide him. The civilian issue displays in the groundcar left a lot to be desired.
posted
This opens pretty well. The biggest nit that caught my eye was using only his running lights to avoid attention. If the police have aircraft with low visibility sensors and so forth (say as good as what they have now?), then all turning off his headlights will do is give them a reason to suspect he's up to something and a pretext to stop him. This assumes that it isn't actually against the law to enter the swamplands, in which case I have trouble figuring out why there's a road, and why he isn't using some more covert means of transportation.
There are other small nits for word choice and such, I suppose, but this is both readable and interesting. I could read what you currently have.
posted
Welcome, NewsBys (Does your screen name mean you're a reporter or something?).
Looks like a decent opening to me, too. Something is happening, scene is well set, nice mood, and we have a character who sounds interesting. As long as it doesn't go off-color, I'll take a look.
quote:Normally, traffic in the city was heavy and a constant challenge to navigate, it was strange to be so alone. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of this whole thing that really bothered him, or perhaps it was the darkness around the car that made him feel so alone.
Because you repeat 'so alone,' you might want to end the one sentence after 'navigate.'
Also, 'in awhile' should be 'in a while.' It's two words after a preposition, one word otherwise. (I know. Nit, nit, nit. )
posted
Survivor - You were right. After I gave it my full attention, I found that the whole thing with the running lights was not even needed. I think I was trying too hard to get in the info about Quillan trying to stay inconspicuous. I cut it and that helped me see where the info would fit more naturally. Good call. Thanks.
Kolana - You guessed right, I was in the journalism and public relations business. Medical journalism at that, YUCK! Gave it up to go back to school and become a teacher. Never looked back, but I still like to write. I've played around with fictional writing quite a bit in the past year. It is different than journalistic writing, but also much more fun. Thanks for picking up on the "awhile" thing, I looked at that sentence several times, but didn't pick it up.
Help! - How do I email folks on the bulletin board? I never tried it until now, and now can't figure out how to do it. I've heard you guys mention your profiles, but I can't figure out how to get there.
posted
Above each individual posting are two or three symbols -- profile, e-mail address (if any), and edit function in case you want to go back later and change your posting.
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After I gave it my full attention, I found that the whole thing with the running lights was not even needed. I think I was trying too hard to get in the info about Quillan trying to stay inconspicuous. I cut it and that helped me see where the info would fit more naturally. Good call. Thanks. 
