posted
Precious Meat is a fantasy short story I've been working on for some time. It's 3480 words. I'd appreciate some fresh eyes to give comments. First lines below. Thanks folks.
I am Boon. I lead my pack. I chose them, the clever, the swift, the strong. I taught them to read the moons, to know the warming pools, to know the prey. I taught them what no other pack knew: to hunt together in the rising dawn. They were my pack. Two moons full at dawn gave us light to run. We leapt from the bubbling pool where we stayed the night so our muscles were warmed through. We filled our lungs to bursting as we ran, swift and silent to the hunt. Our webbed toes left no mark behind to show which way we'd gone under the moons' light. We ran to beat the sun. We ran to catch big meat. We reached the clearing where a rumbalof lay near its hole in the ground. It landed here at dusk, warm and strong, then burrowed under leaf litter and moss, threw it into the air, and let it settle onto its shaggy coat, concealing it for the night. The beast cooled while it slept and now, if we were quick and brave, we had a chance to win fresh meat.
posted
"Precious Meat"? And terms like "big meat" and "rumbalof" don't really help the mood of the piece either.
There are some plausibility issues, but since we clearly aren't dealing with any known form of life, nor any known planet, that's not such a big deal. All the same, this also has its drawbacks. It means that we have no entry point into the story.
posted
I'm not sure where this is going, but it might be moving too quickly.
Housekeeping note: In the sentence
quote:It landed here at dusk, warm and strong, then burrowed under leaf litter and moss, threw it into the air, and let it settle onto its shaggy coat, concealing it for the night.
after 'leaf litter and moss' the following two 'its' should be 'them.'
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
I shall have to gently disagree with Survivor. I felt that my knowledge of the pack and hunting behaviour of wolves did allow me to relate to these creatures immediately, thus providing my entry into the story. They are wholly alien, though, and well written ones at that! It was a delight to see unique creatures!
posted
I like the title, it hooks me right away. I also like that you are using the alien POV. I am trying to write a short story using all aliens myself, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I would like to read the whole story, if you don't mind. (Maybe I'll post my idea sometime soon.)
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Yanos, Newsbys, Keeley, autumnmuse, thanks for the offer to read,and thanks again to those of you who did read. I've had some great feedback from this group and fellow bootcampers, done some rewriting, and PM is in the mail.
[This message has been edited by Cathy Perdue (edited August 02, 2004).]
posted
Hmmm... from the first 13, I would say to write it from another POV, maybe one of the lower animals in the pack. And make it longer. Drag out the time from the intro to the hunting. Show how they show dominence, etc.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Cathy - Just finished my review and emailed it to you. Just wanted to let you know here in case there is a transmission error.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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