posted
The way this is phrased, it almost sounds like this person is living his/her life backwards. Are you trying to say, "If only I knew then what I know now?" or is this person really living backwards?
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Maybe if you gave us the line before and the line after this we could make a better determination. Or at least give us the situation to which this is referring. It isn't clear whether this is a good or bad thing. Change to "have seen" and it make more sense. Maybe even add "truly" "could have truly seen" ? I dunno, it's your sentance
[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited July 26, 2004).]
quote:I often think I would be surprised by my present circumstances if I could see myself a year ago.
Is it that the character can't believe his/her current situation compared to a year ago? i.e. One year ago I never would thought I'd be here but you never know where fate will take you.
posted
"Often" is a problem. It implies a length of time, which you don't specify, under circumstances would have been surprising to your self of a year ago. Alternatively, it could imply that this is a recurring thought that isn't connected to any particular circumstances, but simply to the fact that usually your current circumstances are different from what you would have expected a year prior to their occurance.
Along with the other mentioned ambiguities, it means that we have no idea what this sentence actually means, whether you current circumstances could not have reasonably forseen a year ago, whether the current circumstances would be surprising if you had developed the ability to see yourself (in other than the usual method, presumably--i.e. not using a mirror), whether you often find yourself in circumstances that you could not reasonably have forseen a year in advance, whether you would be surprised by current circumstances if you could see (i.e. remember) yourself of a year ago, or any number (i.e. about 12) of permutations of the various interpretations possible.
An opening line that can mean 12 or more entirely different things is way too lacking in basic clarity.
posted
Those two sentences work a lot better than that first one. I might say something like...I never would have guessed I'd end up here...but that would be my story. Then, IMO, you should go to the military base because starting off with a daydream is a bad idea....although intriguing. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Ummmm... Maybe the aliens can't find him *because* he is in the Turkish Military Hospital? That way you can use them both, more or less at the same time? *g*
The new opening line is much more clear than the original.
You should probably give enough details of the surrounding for an astute reader to figure out that this is a military hospital. If your experience of Turkish military hospitals is that the immediate environment would furnish cues that this is an overseas base hospital or even a specifically Middle-Eastern area hospital, feel free to include those details.
As swynd suggests, the fact that it is a Turkish military hospital might well come up as part of the daydream (though naturally the reader would then regard that information as slightly suspect).
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