posted
Don't know if a paragraph break counts as a line, so this may actually be 14 lines...but I didn't think anyone would mind the extra line. Have at!
------- Bobby felt the stabbing pain work its way from the top of his shin up his leg and into his hip. Then it worked its way into his shoulder and neck of all things. If it weren’t for the bitter cold keeping him awake and alert, he most certainly wouldn’t be feeling anything. It was like when he had fallen off the barn loft door a year back and broke a rib on a rock below. At first he didn’t feel all that bad, like nothing had happened. But when Pa moved him was when the pain kicked in.
He couldn’t remember all the details of what landed him here on the ground like this. He did remember running to keep up with the train as the engineers aboard recognized him and slowed its thunderous passage across the Nebraska prairie to a slow crawl. He’d done it dozens of times before with the train and with the horses. Run just enough to keep the moving parts steady at your side, then reach over, grab the ladder, and pull yourself up. This time something was different.
posted
I have a few comments, please bear with me:
EDIT: I think I completely misread the start of this, but I'll leave my original post intact anyway... for general knowledge. So, he was running alongside a train, then? And does he know how long he's been on the ground in pain?
I think you have a good start, but...
Bitter cold actually makes you sleepy. Hypothermia will at first make you shiver uncontrollably (and likely keeping you awake for a few hours), then, when the shivering stops (the dangerous part), you get sleepy. I know this from first hand experience.
Also, if it's bitter cold, you would feel less pain overall. Blood flow to your extemities is reduced and nerve impulses to the brain are slowed. Your body begins to focus on the vital organs, keeping them safe and warm for as long as possible. Our limbs, while seemingly vital to us, are not actually necessary for overall survival in extreme conditions... at least, not in the grand scheme of of staying alive.
Anyway, starting with the conflict you have is good. I'm not sure discussing "Pa" first off is needed, but that depends on how much of an influence he has in this scene and subsequent scenes. You might consider focusing solely upon the issue/conflict at hand and surviving it.
Then again, when faced with your own mortality, I suppose thoughts of everyone you know come randomly flooding in. Hmm...
By the way, what genre is this? Are you looking for readers? If so, how many words?
Cheers,
HSO
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited August 16, 2004).]
posted
Thanks for your feedback. The genre is historical fiction. The story is based on the life of my grandfather who grew up in Nebraska and had all sorts of interesting adventures throughout his life. Kind of a western in that sense. So far I only have a short first chapter and the beginnings of the second, so there's not much to read yet. I just wanted to check to see if I was on the right track so far.
Yes, he was running alongside a train.
The descriptions of cold mixed with pain I'm taking partially from my own experience shattering my ankle and then going into shock when snow tubing as a youth. Perhaps the experience is different depending on the type of injury. The next few lines show that this injury occurred just moments before the narrative begins.
The scene I'm setting up actually reveals more right after the 14th line and onward. I can post more if desired, or I can provide a quick summary of what happens next to give more context. Though, I suppose a rewrite is in order to fit more of this into the first 13 lines. Let me know which you'd like to see.
posted
HSO beat me to the punch on the cold thing....that's gonna be the weakest element to this story so far, IMO.
The other trouble I saw here was that it seems (I could be wrong) as if we're about to launch into a flashback to let the reader know what got Bobby here. If you've never read one of OSC's how-to books he describes why this is a sin far better than I do, but let me go ahead and give it a shot. Basically, if you have placed a flashback this close to the beginning of a story it is a key indication that you might hafve started the story in the wrong place, because already you have to stpo and go back to tell us what happened before that paragraph or two, or even a page. (Basic rule of thumb is your lead in needs to be twice as long as a flashback if you have one.) Look at it this way. You've given us a paragraph about Bobby and his hypothermia, but we're not grounded yet, ew don't know about him *now* or his situation *now* and now we have to travel back in time to learn about him then. Better to just have started then.
Anyway, welcome to the board I hope you find our comments helpful. The writing itself is good, and IMO it is far easier to help good writers with story elements than bad writers with learning how to write.
quote:he scene I'm setting up actually reveals more right after the 14th line and onward. I can post more if desired, or I can provide a quick summary of what happens next to give more context. Though, I suppose a rewrite is in order to fit more of this into the first 13 lines. Let me know which you'd like to see.
For many reasons, this site only allows any 13 lines of your work to be posted here. So, posting a summary is fine. Do not post more of your story. If you want feedback on the rest, ask for readers and we'll gladly contribute where and when we can.
It seems to be that many people say, "Oh but the next few lines..." and that's fair, actually. Some stories start off a little slower than others. Still, one of the reasons for posting only 13 is to practice writing strong openings that will grab an editor's attention, as well as your reader. If those first 13 sing (or hook) then your chances of garnering readers has increased tenfold.
Your start has good conflict, so you won't need to change that idea. But, Christine is right, you might be better off rolling back the story a few clicks and tell us why he's train-jumping (hopefully running away from someone/something for a really good effect and tension) and then show the injury happening.
About your character's injury... the cold isn't keeping him awake, it's probably annoying him or making him feel worse. You're intro leads me to believe that he's been out in the cold for a while, thus my comments. If it's only been a few minutes, then it's really not worth mentioning other than as an aside such as: "It was freezing lying here and if he didn't get help soon, he knew that hypothermia would makes things worse. Much worse."
posted
Ditto on the cold thing. Have you ever shattered your ankle when it wasn't cold out, for comparison?
But it depends on the form the cold takes. For instance, if the bitter cold is in the form of little sharp rocks poking into his back or something....
Anyway, it is usual to ask for crits on shorter parts of your work. A chapter or short story is the usual first installment anyway, and if it seems likely that people are going to tell you to rewrite your first chapter completely it may be wise to get that feedback early.
On the other hand, many people like to have a full manuscript roughed out before they do any fiddling with it at all. So it's up to you.
a) Paragraphs are a little too long, imo b) My reaction to all this is "I don't really care. Bobby deserves it." You need to give me some reason to care. Honestly, this is nothing but:
a) Bobby hurt himself b) He flashbacks to earlier hurting himself (falling off a loft? This guy seems like such a clutz!) c) He flashbacks to hurting himself on the train
There is no tension. The only thing that interests me is that the engineers recognized him.
What could change that around, however, is giving me a reason to care. He's jumping onto trains, why? To make the trip to town to get medicine for his sick baby? Could be anything.
He fell off the loft? Ummm...okay. If this isn't important, cut it. No need to make him look like more of an idiot for no reason.
COMMENTS IN BOLD
quote: Bobby felt the stabbing pain work its way from the top of his shin up his leg and into his hip. Then it worked its way into his shoulder and neck of all things.[TOO MUCH DETAIL] If it weren’t for the bitter cold keeping him awake and alert, [HUH? THIS SEEMS ILLOGICAL] he most certainly wouldn’t be feeling anything. It was like when he had fallen off the barn loft door [THIS PHRASE COMES HEAVILY AT ME] a year back and broke a rib on a rock below. At first he didn’t feel all that bad, like nothing had happened. But when Pa moved him was when the pain kicked in. [I SURE HOPE ALL THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, BECAUSE TO HAVE SUCH A MAJOR CHUNK OF YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION BE THIS IS A GAMBIT IF THIS ISN'T VERY IMPORTANT]
He couldn’t remember all the details of what landed him here on the ground [like this THIS PHRASE ISN'T NEEDED]. He did remember running to keep up with the train as the engineers aboard recognized him and slowed [PRONOUN UNCLEAR]its thunderous passage across the Nebraska prairie to a slow crawl. He’d done it dozens of times before with the train and with the horses. Run just enough to keep the moving parts steady at your side, then reach over, grab the ladder, and pull yourself up. This time something was different.
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