I've just written a short story for a Halloween contest. (In fact, for those few of you who wander around here and are participating in the Codex contest, I'd rather you didn't read eevn the opening 13 lines I'm about to post.)

Anyway, I've finished this up pretty early, I've got another month and a half to polish it off and do ten more rewrites if I have to, but I wanted some opinions on my first try, if anyone's willing to give them. The whole things about 3700 words and is one of my first attempts to write something scary.

Here are the first 13 lines:

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Jessica Parker hated her new house. It had a big tree in the front yard that attracted all kinds of birds that pooped all over the lawn and sidewalk. It needed a new coat of paint to cover up the peeling yellow that matched the dead flowers in the garden. Her parents called it a “fixer-upper with character.” She just thought it was old.

Her old house, the one she had lived in her entire life, had been built brand-new the year she was born. She had created ten years worth of memories in that house, even if she later had to share them with her younger brother, Adam. All her friends had lived in that neighborhood. Now she would not even go to school with those friends.

“Why don’t you get out from underfoot and meet some of the kids in the neighborhood?” her mother asked as she carried a box of books into the house, past the rickety porch swing where Jessica sat sulking.

“I don’t like them,” Jessica said. At least, I don’t know them, which is just as bad. Of course, she would need to get to know them if she hoped to make any friends at school next month.

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This was well-written to be sure, but there was no zing. Granted, I haven't given you much time (it was, after all, just the beginning) but I don't feel attracted to or interested in what is happening.

Maybe this is a subtle hook, but a little girl hating her new house seems pretty usual.

That being said, I'd probably read more (although I can't right now, as I'm moving to NC!) but I wouldn't expect it to move me.

The truth is that, at least IMO, hooks do not have to be the awe-inspiring things that many (especially aroud here) seem to think they need to be. They need to introduce some conflict, in this case a little girl who's not happy with her new house. It doesn't matter that lots of little girls move and aren't happy with their new houses. The conflict does not have to be unique or unusual. In fact, it can be a hook by beaing a conflict that people can relate to! How many of you moved when you were a kid and were upset by it? (I did.)

This is what I call a fish hook....a little hook that needs only be prickly enough to get people to read the next few paragraphs, then I bring out the cane!

Plus, OSC recommends what he calls a "free paragraph" that I love the idea of....it sets the stage and doesn't have to hook at all! I've also found that often good writing can pull an editor down at least a couple of pages. I've received many rejections at this point that were worded, "Well written but..." But at least they read down to the end!

First sentence you're talking about Jessica's perception of her house. And then you say "It had a tree..."

Now, I know this is is ultra-nitpicky, but houses don't have trees. Trees are found in yards. If my house had a tree in it, well, I'd move, actually. Or get the tree removed.

You can fix this by saying: Jessica hated her new house, the yard, and everything about this place.

Three things struck me immediatey about your opening: 1) The word "pooped." I know your POV charcater is 10 yrs. old, but writing about kids and writing for kids kids are obviously different creatures, and the word "pooped" feels like something I'd expect from a story written FOR children (I have 2 young kids and we read a lot, so I see this all the time).

2)Though the phrase ten years worth of memories is a nice device to tell us how old the girl is without saying so directly, kids don't think that way so it ends up feeling somewhat artificial anyway. Besides, a ten year old doesn't have ten years worth of memories.

And 3) My biggest problem is that Jessica feels to me like nothing more than a kid whining, and if you'll recall my paranthenical aside from point #1 (2 kids of my own), a whining kid is not someone I'm in a hurry to spend any time with.

I hope that helps. I'd be willing to read the whole thing if you still need readers, but I won't be able to get to it until after next week (a project due by Aug. 20th). Send it, or, if you prefer, get your first round of feedback and then send me your rewrite. I often find it harder to get a set of fresh eyes to look at my rewrites after the first round of critiques. Whichever you prefer...

As for hooks and such, I think that overall I tend to agree with Christine that strong competence in writing can keep editors reading well past the first few pages. I've rarely had any trouble feeling motivated to read the entire text of any of her stories, though sometimes I end up wondering what the point was after I finish

But in point of fact, given that this is a scary story, I think that this is an ideal hook. We have a new kid, unfamiliar with the neighborhood, and it is a given that she's about to find out just how different it is from her old haunts.

A lot of my impression was formed right away in the first paragraph. Jessica hated her new house. No problem, lots of kids hate the new house, or at least think they do when what they really mean to say is that they miss their old house. Either way, it's still fine. The problem is in the attitude and the reasons behind it. At the end of the first paragraph you wrote, "Her parents called it a “fixer-upper with character.” She just thought it was old." So what I see are her parents trying to make the most of their situation, immediately contrasted by Jessica's reason for hating -- which is a strong sentiment for any age -- the house because she "just thought it was old." That's a lame reason for hating anything. The result: I think she's whining.

If you want her to be a more sympathetic charcater, you could do one of two things here. Either give her some really good reasons why any kid to hate the house i.e. no trees to climb, no porch to sit on, no other kids in the neighborhood her own age to play with, etc., or, (and I think this might be more effective) have her mentally compare this new house to her old one, and make it clear from how fondly she recalls the old house, that she really misses it and wishes they were still there. You flirt with doing that in your second paragraph, but by then Jessica had already lost much of my sympathy.

Jessica Schaffer hated her new house. It had a big tree in the front yard that attracted all kinds of birds that crapped all over the lawn and sidewalk. It needed a new coat of paint to cover up the peeling yellow that matched the dead flowers in the garden. Jessica could not believe her parents had voluntarily sold a new, upscale home in order to buy this one. They called it a “fixer-upper with character.” Jessica just thought it was old.

Her old house, the one she had lived in her entire life, had been built brand-new the year she was born. She had lived there for ten years, decorating her own room and helping build the swingset in the backyard. All her friends lived in that neighborhood. Now she would not even go to school with those friends.

“Why don’t you get out from underfoot and meet some of the kids in the neighborhood?” her mother asked as she carried a box of books into the house, past the rickety porch swing where Jessica sat sulking.

quote:

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She had lived there for ten years, decorating her own room and helping build the swingset in the backyard

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quote:

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At least, I don’t know them, which is just as bad.

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quote:

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Jessica could not believe her parents had voluntarily sold a new, upscale home in order to buy this one. They called it a “fixer-upper with character.” Jessica just thought it was old.

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I was thinking more along the lines of skewered/shishkabobbed/barbecued at a brunch for the elder gods. I love brunches.

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Jessica Schaffer hated her new house. It had a big tree in the front yard which attracted all kinds of birds that pooped all over the lawn and sidewalk. It needed a new coat of paint to cover up the peeling yellow that matched the dead flowers in the garden. Jessica was still mad at her parents for voluntarily moving across the city to this place. They called it a “fixer-upper with character.” Jessica just thought it was old.

Her old house, the one she had lived in her entire life, had been built brand-new the year she was born. She had lived there for ten years, decorating her own room and helping her father build the swingset in the backyard. All her friends lived in that neighborhood. Now she would not even go to school with those friends.
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quote:

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“I don’t like them,” Jessica said. At least, I don’t know them, which is just as bad. Of course, she would need to get to know them if she hoped to make any friends at school next month.

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In fact, I wrote a version of a novel once in which my first two chapters were from two differnt POV's...one from a child's and one from an adults. My responders told me that they felt like they were aimed at different audiences. I honestly didn't know what to do with that information because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out how to stay in the child's POV and make the story itself any more adult.

quote:

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The PoV shift into "I" works, but when you switch back it becomes too distracting.

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[Emphasis added]

Switching into "I" is an interesting approach that has strong validity, and like you said, it is not changing PoV, it's merely using the PoV's inherent advantage.

The only reason I pointed it out is because it didn't work well; it felt awkward.

You asked why I thought Jessica sounded whiney and I did my best to think about the question and answer it as well as I could. I don't see any major difference between the versions you've posted so far, so stick with your first one and write the rest.

I suspect it isn't as clearly YA as books so classified today because it is told in a "looking back" PoV, so adult sensibilities come into play a little more than they would in a book that is strictly from a YA PoV.