posted
Hello everyone, I'm about 1/3 finished with this story and would like some comments if possible. The only people to read it thus far have been friends and family, so I wanted to get some objective input. Thanks.
1st 13 lines: A blemish upon the nighttime sea, the ship that seemed to draw on the very darkness of night sailed steadily towards the city and Kingdom of LeJean, Gallhathga. The moon and the stars were hidden from view by dark clouds. The crew of the vessel murmured uneasily to themselves, and many glanced warily at the figure standing at the bow of the ship. As if feeling the men looking at her, Queen Phianna of Hargos turned around and trained her cold gaze on the sailors. Hurriedly, the men proceeded with their work. The Queen glanced around again and obviously satisfied, turned back to face the ocean. Ah, my grand return, not as a prisoner, but rather, an invited guest. Phianna remembered the events that occurred the last time she came, or rather, was forced to Gallhathga. The Herald of Isaac had marched into her city, captured her, and took her to Gallhathga where she stood trial for "crimes against the common good". Not really a trial but a farce, she was sentenced to death by King LeJean.
posted
You start out of POV for no strong reason. And don't say it's FO, cause it isn't.
Good language, some nice imagery. Some people will object to the number of proper nouns you introduce, but I don't have a problem with them. The names have a nice flavor, I think. You might try saying them out loud and seeing if other phonemes are to your liking, though.
Major problem, it looks like you're embarking on an extended flashback by the end of this intro. Not helping the situation, your flashback isn't in past perfect tense, so a reader could be confused and think that these events were happening in the "present" of the narrative.
How long is the part that you'd like people to read?
posted
I would like to read it, but I won't be able to get to it until next weekend. If you can wait that long, I will look at it. As always, I ask that you give me some guidance as to the kind of critique you would like to see.
Posts: 2710 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I think the description in the first few sentences, particularly, is very well done. I think you need to break into a new paragraph when you drift into your actual third person point of view. That would be this sentence to start a new paragraph: " Queen Phianna of Hargos turned around and trained her cold gaze on the sailors. Hurriedly, the men proceeded with their work."
This is one point that I humbly and historically disagree with survivor on...the lead-in paragraph. I don't think you need amazing reasons to set the stage with a first paragraph that is not written in the same point of view as the rest of the story. In literary boot camp, OSC called this the "free paragraph" and suggested that it can be used, as you have done, to set the tone and setting.
The second paragraph, then, needs to get right into the story and into point of view.
On the other hand, I'm going to heartily agree that this introduction seems frighteingly close to delving into a lengthy (or even brief) flashback. A one paragraph backup explanation at this stage of the game is really too long. You've given us nothing to cement us in the forward action so that we can be prepared for a flashback. (If we're wrong, then never mind. )
posted
The thing that troubled me most was the way you introduced your main character.
You call her The Queen, Phianna and Queen Phianna of Hargos all in the same few sentences. How about starting with a small change in this sentence:
"As if feeling the men looking at her, Phianna, Queen of Hargos (name, then title) turned around and trained her cold gaze on the sailors. Hurriedly, the men proceeded with their work."
Then just call her Phianna from then on. Then if someone addresses her, it would be something like “my Queen” or “your highness”. If she was being introduced by someone or is introducing herself, use the whole thing, Phianna, Queen of Hargos.
She is easier to sympathize with when you present her name, then title. Otherwise, her title seems to distance her from the reader. If we are to be comfortable sharing her intimate thoughts, then we need to be able to identify her personally.
posted
Thanks everyone. To answer a couple of questions, the first part is simply a description. I wrote it and liked the way it sounded. I've read several things that open out of POV and wanted to try it. I am not going into a flashback. I wanted to bring up a past issue that will be expanded later in the story. Thanks NewsBys, I didn’t realize that I referred to the main character in that many different ways. I am now going to revise everything and hopefully will be able to try this again. If anyone would like to read it then, let me know and I’ll send it to you. As for the type of critique, anything that will help me do it better would be great. Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Right now, I have about 1100 words. But I think that I have a new direction I want to go and most of that will be changed. I think that's why I haven't been able to finish it. I'd like to post the revision when I'm done.
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