posted
Abillus targeted him in the riflescope, sitting before an old rickety house, eyes closed, listening. His prey, Senus, held something like a handgun, a fake used often on Portal duty. The Mechanism magnified Othersense, aiding in the vigilant search for rogue activity. <i>No match for the real thing.</i>
By bearing a primitive weapon alone, Abillus overstepped protocol. It could get him locked up in some Praetorian dungeon for years. By carrying through on his private vendetta, the Curiata could give him the Choice. Dishonor… a dark eternity in timeless Avalon. <i>Like Artorius.</i> Or honor… <i>Like grandfather…</i> ------------------------------------------------------------
An introduction to another viewpoint character, actually the introduction may take place earlier. And the title of this chapter will most likely change.
Of course in real life I do not want to be anywhere near people like this, but when I attempt to write, I find morally ambiguous characters more interesting.
posted
I liked your other stories and intros, but I "zoned out" on this intro. Maybe it was too technical, too fast.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Again, I like it. I'm a complete sucker for secret societies and all that, so when you throw around words like Curiata, etc., I, for one, am instantly hooked.
However, unless this chapter flows directly from another in which the location is firmly established, you should let us know where this action is taking place. City and state (drop the state if the city's well-known) or country if not the US. It's not info-dumpy. We need to know. Many books simply use location names as chapter titles to wonderful effect (and in Neal Stephenson's case, the year as well).
Also, "something like a handgun" does not work for me. Do you mean something that looked like a handgun?
Oops. To whom does the term "him" apply? Yes, if I read that twice I can figure out that "him" means Senus, but you should never make a reader need to read something twice just to figure out what you mean.
Really, that's the problem with this whole intro. It's interesting and all, but not very informative, eh?
posted
The usual term is "centered the crosshairs on" when describing the use of a sniper rifle, but it is a minor concern.
Identifying the target as "his brother-in-law" is better, but you may be right that it doesn't sound any beter.
But the main problem is that the whole passage is basically the same. There are too many nouns that are introduced without giving us any hint what they are or confidence that the information will be forthcoming.
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