posted
Hi everyone, I'm looking for a crit of the first 13 as well as the entire piece if anyone wants to read it. It's about 2000 words. Let me know. Thanks.
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Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will.
He figured that they must have been searching for someone like him. Trouble was he couldn’t figure out how he rated so high on their search scale. He was a country boy in a nothing, southern town. Even his greatest wish amounted to nothing more than getting that 4-wheeler his folks said they couldn’t afford. Of course, Jared was only eleven.
Jared didn’t think he could take anymore of the isolation. He’d already been here three days. His mom and dad had picked him up from school Friday, and brought him here. He didn’t even know where here was. All he knew was that these people wanted to study him and his parents were now scared of him.
posted
ALL CRITIQUE IS SUBJECTIVE BESIDES FOR FACTUAL STATEMENTS:
quote: Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. [Huh? Confusing wording.] Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will. [Rest of paragraph isn't too bad; however, is a little information heavy. Should probably be balanced by ACTION!]
That's the first paragraph only. If you want more, be sure to order my latest ice cream cleaning product! Only 99.95$ -- shipping free!
Um.........Yeah .
quote: He figured that they must have been searching for someone like him. Trouble was he couldn’t figure [The first time was fine. Second? Ack!!!out how he rated so high on their search scale. He was a country boy in a nothing, southern town. Even his greatest wish amounted to nothing more than getting that 4-wheeler his folks said they couldn’t afford. Of course, Jared was only eleven. Huge info dump. Not fun to read. Doesn't flow smoothly either because you're basically dumping random chunks of information at us.
quote: Jared didn’t think he could take anymore of the isolation. He’d already been here three days. His mom and dad had picked him up from school Friday, and brought him here. He didn’t even know where here was. All he knew was that these people wanted to study him and his parents were now scared of him.
Start here. This is a good paragraph. It is passionate, immediate, and emotional.
posted
Get rid of the first paragraph, at least. The first sentence of the second paragraph would make a good hook of an opener, but then comes the info dump. Dump the info dump. Start at the lab, and don't go into an immediate flashback. Tell us his name straight away and let us know he's young as soon as is feasible, so we don't have to reconstruct him in our imaginations as we read. Let us know how he got there gradually. Reveal his powers gradually, like a mystery to be figured out. Let your readers figure it out. They will. Don't hit them over the head with it.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 12, 2004).]
posted
I agree with Phanto. Start with the third paragraph. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a good hook, but I think the first sentence of the third is even better. The rest can be written into the story as you go along.
Edited to ask for a read of the entire thing.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited October 13, 2004).]
posted
The name Jared and the content of the first thirteen lines makes me wonder if this is a Pretender fanfic piece. If so, this isn't the place for it. If not, change the name.
Second, the first paragraph is by far the most interesting. The others aren't near so tight in language. I'm not bothered a bit by the lack of action, because the content, particularly punctuated by that last line, is so intriguing. I'm expecting the action to come right away, however.
Third, I respectfully disagree w/ Phanto on the first two sentences. I think they set up something very interesting. You MIGHT consider writing the word "think" in italics. Would emphasizing that word do it for you, Phanto?
Agree w/ Phanto that the second paragraph is weak. Need to get going on the action here. Let us know more about him after we see something happen to him and see how he reacts to it.
posted
I think that my biggest problem is that none of the first paragraph makes much sense if this is supposed to be Jared's POV.
Then in the second paragraph you introduce an unreferenced "they" into the equation, along with other elements that simply make no sense absent previous references (which happen to be absent ).
The last paragraph is something that actually makes sense on its own and is from Jared's POV. DJV is right that the information in the first paragraph is interesting, but it happens to be out of POV, and it gives the story away too fast. Sort of like having the last scene of a mystery first, you know?
posted
The first paragraph does not sound like an 11 year old at all. It sounds like a rather cynical, manipulative adult. If Jared is some sort of child genius, I suppose that's okay, but the 4-wheeler thing later makes me think he's more like a normal kid.
posted
Thanks to everyone who posted here. I have a revision of the first 13 that I hope made the opening better.
----- Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will.
He’d often wondered exactly how things always worked out for him. He was contemplating that very thing as he sat waiting for the school bell to ring when the intercom clicked on.
“Mrs. Neyman, please send Jared to the office to sign out. His parents are here.”
Mrs. Neyman looked over at him. “Okay, Jared, you may go. Don’t forget that we have the fifth-grade class picture Monday. Dress nicely please.”
“Yes, ma’am.” With that, Jared was out the door. He loved it when his parents picked him up early.
posted
I like this second version better. When I read the first one, I couldn't for the life of me figure out who THEY were -- THEY just sort of showed up in the second paragraph. It was enough to throw me that I basically just stopped reading.
This second version invites me into the story a bit better, but it feels rather abrupt with the last sentence. I mean, we have Jared all excited about going home early on Friday, then we're told he doesn't make it in on Monday? Depending on how long this story is, I think you could work in a better transition.
Perhaps what's jolting me is that this feels like a POV switch or something. It's as though it doesn't match the rest of the opening style/voice.
Okay, I'm confused about how to describe it so I'll just stop before I ramble any more.
posted
I agree that there's a dissonance between the 1st and 2nd paragraphs. The 1st just doesn't sound like Jared's POV, or like something a 5th grader would think.
I would cut the whole first paragraph. But if it is important to you to keep it - in both versions the first two sentences really threw me: Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did.
"didn't think" to me means that Jared believed something contrary - whereas you're trying to emphasize *think*. Personally I would say something like "Jared didn't just think he had the world going for him; he truely did."
I think this is significantly better than the first version!
posted
I like the idea, but I think I see a couple of reasons why it doesn't sound like a child's POV.
1) Word choice. Phrases like <mysterious benefactor> and <subconscious will> convey an adult vocabulary and perspective. <He was contemplating that very thing> The <contemplating> that you have Jarod doing in the 2nd paragraph isn't really something that it's easy to imagine a child doing. Compare that to this later sentence: <With that, Jared was out the door. He loved it when his parents picked him up early.> This sentence really captures the feel of a child's POV without being childish.
2) Maturity implied in action Jarod is is wondering why everything always works out for him. This implies that Jarod is aware of at least three things about the world: a) People don't get what they want a great deal of the time b) He gets what he wants more often than most other people c) Given his circumstances, it is inexplicable that he gets what he wants as often as he does. These aren't things most people know about as children. They haven't seen enough of the world to reach these conclusions. Jarod's contemplation speaks of far more experiential maturity than I would expect to see in a 10-year old.
The POV ends up feeling like it comes from someone with an adult's experience with the world.
Hope this was helpful. I liked the idea and I'd love to read more.
posted
Yeah. Kids start out thinking that everything happening the moment they want it is the way the world is supposed to work.
But the important thing is that you use "didn’t think" and "subconscious" right in that opening paragraph. The mysterious benefactor that Jared doesn't have is just the same.
Try going back to your original starting location. Jared is in the hands of persons unknown to him for purposes that he doesn't quite understand. Make that clear. Then reveal that he isn't worried, because these sorts of things always work out in the end. Then show us that his expectation that this will turn into some kind of pleasant surprise is based firmly on his own experience of the world.
Just a suggestion, though. The main thing is that you need to wait a bit before telling us stuff that the POV character simply doesn't know yet.
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