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The idea seed came from a dream I had Monday morning. It's still first draft. And when I was halfway done I realized it started off a little too much like 'Sleepless In Seatle' and would end like an episode of the Twilight Zone. Whoops. I guess I turned off everyone from it already... ----------------------------------------------------------- He admired Diane, while she admired the city lights. Earlier in the evening Carl had touched her silky smooth hand. How he longed to run his hands through her golden hair. Her skin looked so flawless. Carl found it hard to believe she wore not a dab of makeup.
“You see that building?” Carl asked, pointing out one of the skyscrapers. “That’s mine.”
“Yeah? Well, I own the taller one next to it,” Diane said. In reality, she scraped by working in a small humble bakery, where over the years Carl built up an acquaintance with her. Of course, he could buy whole bakery chains if he wanted. But though there were many bakeries, there was only one Diane.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited November 10, 2004).]
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Hands down, Chris, that is the coolest title. I second hoptoad's observations, and have a couple of my own. Even though we all tend to find the same things attractive about people, such as their hair or their skin, it's very difficult to write about it without sounding cliched. I'm sure Carl does want to run his fingers through her hair, but that's a pretty played-out notion. What if he just reached out and glided his fingertips through the fine hair just behind her ears? That would communicate the desire because he acted on it. It's not too bold (at least I hope not at this point--it seems like she knows he likes her). Have him touch her skin, simply because he loves to touch it and feel it against his own. If he has shown that he's a gentleman already, these actions will not seem crass or brutish or wanton.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I still have not figured out when it's all right to use a 'to be' verb. My instinct since an early critique has been to bury it when I can. But then I am started to see, it leads to more ackwardness.
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<It's not too bold (at least I hope not at this point--it seems like she knows he likes her).>
I'd like someone the second or third this to make sure...
Before this, as the later exposition reveals, they only had an acquaintenship, and this is a first date.
Not to give too much away, but Carl represents foremost greed, and second lust or longing. Diane represents wisdom and mercy.
Unfortunately, my lack of life experience shows through. I only ever dated one person, whom I later married. Not to sound like a prude, we did not hold hands until after four or five dates...
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Ah, well then, if Carl represents greed, he should certainly act like it! A person who doubted themselves might imagine doing something, but Carl doesn't sound like someone who is shy or lacking in self-esteem (it would be hard to reconcile that with greed). Your readers live vicariously through your characters. Your characters do things real people only wish they could!
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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