well, anyways, the first 13 lines follow:

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The transbeamer hall was packed. I could barely hear anyone of course, with the enormous whooshing sound as air met air. Once this place was called the Toledo Express airport, and in those days the building was smaller, and there were long stretches of pavement outside for aircraft.
However, those days are gone, practically forgotten for most; indeed, even most storytellers no longer recall those days. Today was an exception.
#
“Well, if it isn’t the old Dr. Venslowe!” came the familiar voice, and I smiled in spite of myself.
“Hah! Of course it is nit-wit! I travel this way every week... But you, what might you be doing coming out of one of the New York transbeamer pods?”

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a) "Of course" should have comma before.
b) "Of course" seems unneeded.

Quote: However, those days are gone, practically forgotten for most; indeed, even most storytellers no longer recall those days. Today was an exception.

Tense bubbles around from present to past. Confusing.

Quote: “Well, if it isn’t the old Dr. Venslowe!” came the familiar voice, and I smiled in spite of myself.

a) Eliminate the first "the."
b) "smiled in spite of myself" is a cliche.

Quote: “Hah! Of course it is nit-wit! I travel this way every week... But you, what might you be doing coming out of one of the New York transbeamer pods?”

a) "Hah!" seems a bit too far.

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Thoughts:

a) We start in some sort of airport now transbeamer hall. OK.
b) Then we go and meet two old chums having fun making fun of each other. OK.

The only tension so far is established with the ominous idea of airport being destroyed and what not. However, that really is not enough.

quote:

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a)"Of course" should have comma before.

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b)"Of course" seems unneeded.

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Tense bubbles around from present to past. Confusing

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a)Eliminate the first "the."

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b)"smiled in spite of myself" is a cliche.

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a)"Hah!" seems a bit too far.

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There is no tension; thusly no need to read.

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okay, i probably just got you at a wrong time... so i will not go and blow up like i am seriously tempted to do... stating matter-of-factly like that, a story that has no tension is not readable... jeeze... not even any real explanation why you think my story needs to have tension right from the start... oh, wait a minute, it's the title isn't it? with a title like millenial war it must be a high drama right? well, i'm not taking it from that angle... but... hmm... *starts to settle down*

i guess i need to rethink my title eh?

btw: i'm taking this on a more historical note, hehe, i'm setting this into the way future, about something that occurs in the future compared to us, but in the past compared to the outer setting, see, i'm doing a double story here, a story within a story... anyways, i'm rambling and giving unnecessary details out at the same time, someone shoot me please?

EDIT: uhm, forgive me? i just read your critique of the other persons story... okay, so you think people will only care if i introduce an element of suspense? *sighs dramatically* what has this world come to...

EDIT AGAIN: i just thought, i may have something that may be somewhat an element similar to what you are looking for... but it's further in than the first 13... in fact, it's just a little further... hmm... why do things have to go so fast these days? indeed the fast pace in many of today's novels annoys me... i mean, slow down and smell the darn roses why don't you!

[This message has been edited by dpatridge (edited November 08, 2004).]

First, why have the section break? The paragraphs seem to be occuring during the same event at the same location. Unless there's a good reason for it, take it out.

As for the main character, I don't like him and don't want to read a story told from his POV. If you want to stick with him you'll need to give me some reason to like him from the moment you introduce him.

Now, this doesn't mean you have to make him all sweet and warm and fuzzy. Nor does it mean that you have to divulge huge amounts of info at the beginning or even throw me right into the middle of the action (this is a book...not a short story).

But I need something, anything that will make me want to stay inside this person's head and see life through his eyes.

I have to care about the people first because it's their reaction to the idea (or mileu or event) that will pull me through to the end of your story. Not the idea itself.

That said, I'll look the prologue over if you're still willing to send it.

as for keeley:

thanks for taking your chances...

the character is male, i suppose i should make that more apparent...

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First, why have the section break? The paragraphs seem to be occuring during the same event at the same location. Unless there's a good reason for it, take it out.

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As for the main character, I don't like him and don't want to read a story told from his POV.

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That said, I'll look the prologue over if you're still willing to send it.

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The things she pointed out were what I first thought when I was reading. It was only after reading the section a few times that I realized what you were trying to do.

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well, looks like i have a lot of work to do here, and i better start to watch my hot head... hmm... too bad the people that i blew it with most likely aren't even gunna bother listening to me bellyache about it... if i were japanese, i'd be grovelling at your feet screaming "gomenasai!" (i'm sorry) at the top of my lungs... i really feel bad about the way i reacted...

okay, i probably seem extremely emotionally challenged right now, don't i? and i probably am... ugh, well, prolly not gunna get a whole lot of writing done now... gotta wait till my emotions settle down

EDIT: oh, whatever, keeley, i'm going to send it as-is, tear it apart for me...

EDIT AGAIN: should i delete the message where i lost my temper?

[This message has been edited by dpatridge (edited November 09, 2004).]

As for the rest, it's mostly a matter of making your audience connect with your character. Get as deep as you like but don't sacrifice your character in the process. If I can think of something specific, I'll send it in my critique.

Tension is the element within a story that makes a reader care about what might happen to the characters in the story. It isn't necessarily some big dramatic thing. It's a promise that you make to the reader that you spend the next 3 to 300 pages fulfilling. It's the thing that draws the reader in and makes them want to read more.

And this element is nothing new in the writing game, nor is it wise to ignore its importance. Examples:

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The stranger came early in February one wintry day, through a biting wind and a driving snow, the last snowfall of the year, over the down, walking as it seemed from Bramblehurst railway station and carrying a little black portmanteau in his thickly gloved hand.

H.G. Wells "The Invisible Man"

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"Now, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out every thing else."

Charles Dickens "Hard Times"

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He sat, in defiance of municipal orders, astride the gun Zam-Zammah on her brick platform opposite the old Ajaib-Gher--the Wonder House, as the natives called the Lahore Museum.

Rudyard Kipling "Kim"

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When Miss Emily Brierson died, our whole town went to her funeral: the men trhough a sort of respectful affection for a fallen monument, the women mostly out of curiosity to see the inside of her house, which no one save an old manservant--a combined gardener and cook--had seen in at least ten years.

Faulkner "A Rose for Emily"

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It was one of the secret opinions, such as we all have, of Peter Brench that his main success in life would have consisted in his never having committed himself about the work, as it was called, of his friend Morgan Mallow. This was a subject on which it was, to the best of his belief, impossible with veracity to quote him, and it was nowhere on record that he had, in the connexion, on any occasion and in any embarrassment, either lied or spoken the truth.

Henry James (The Undisputed King of the Comma) "The Tree of Knowledge"

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As for your story fragment here, I see just enough 'tension' to make me wonder what's coming. It's not a lot. But if this is a novel it doesn't need to a lot just yet, but I should find some soon, or I might not get past the first chapter. Because the first chapter makes the promise. In a short story the first 1 or 2 paragraphs make the promise. If I don't care about what's going on, my response will be, "So what?" What I'm seeing here, and what I'm wanting from it are two different things. I have a vague promise, and the introduction of two characters that don't seem to get along beautifully. That's tension. I'd like to see some story OR character development coming very soon. These things draw me in, they make me care, they make me keep reading.

Oh, and next time someone tells you something you don't like, DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, respond when you read. Give it at least a few hours to cool down. Lay down your mouse and step away from the computer! Then, be wise and turn the other cheek. When you ask for comments and critique you take, politely, what you get. That's how the game is played. Incorporate what you appreciate. Ignore what you disagree with--but be damned sure you have good reason to do so. But NEVER critique a critique. Unless, of course, the critiquer was acting as rudely as you did.

Do you feel properly spanked? Good. Now go to your room and don't come out until I call you for dinner.

to djvdakota:
well, then i suppose there is tension, i hadn't really looked at it from that angle, but if you think it's there, maybe i should work on it so that other people can see it too...

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Do you feel properly spanked? Good. Now go to your room and don't come out until I call you for dinner.

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i have revised my prologue, but i'm not going to repost the first thirteen of my prologue, those didn't change much, mainly just incorporated the elements that the others talked about...

however, i have also begun on chapter 1, the first thirteen lines follow:

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From the journals of Dr. Venslowe:
My name is Richard Wesley Venslowe, and I have a doctorate in nano-physics. Of course, even though I am only in my 40’s, everyone calls me “the old man Dr. Venslowe.” I suppose it’s because of my rather sour personality. No one really likes me, and I suppose I prefer it that way--after all, if I were to be liked, I’d have to like back--and there’s no way I’m going to go get all mushy, ever.
The truth is, however, I am actually a bit soft in the core, always have been, and always have I hidden it. I guess that just goes to show that everyone can be a great actor when they have reason to be.
#

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yes, i'm going to start using quote tags to separate passage from message.

about the passage: in each chapter, i am going to begin with a passage from Dr. Venslowe's journals, this is to help give insight into a character who really does have importance, remember that i am really telling two stories here, one about Dr. Venslowe, and the other the story the storyteller is sharing... hmm... i'm not going to go further on that discussion at this point...

oh, and the prologue, that was a pseudo-entry from his journals, it was adapted into narrative.

I do have a problem with the way this journal entry is written. Too much of an info dump and I still don't get a good feel for his character -- though I have to say you did much better this time in showing it.

I hate doing this, but I'm going to give you a re-write in the hopes that maybe the re-write will explain what I'm trying to say. It's not a very good re-write, but it's not supposed to be. You know your character far better than I do.

quote:

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From the journals of Dr. Richard Wesley Venslowe:

I hate journals. My colleagues would say I hate everything, but that's not true. I love a lot of things. Puppies, for instance. I just hate putting meaningless words down in a book that will only be read by myself. I don't plan on having any children I could leave it with. My work is enough for me.

But after what happened today with the storyteller...

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[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited November 10, 2004).]

As for liking your POV character... there I disagree. I'm sorry, but connect and understand him yes... make him likable...well that is a different kettle of fish. I remember watching Bridget Jones Diary, even though I didn't like the main character. We don't have to like the chracter, but we do have to be interested in them.

My main feeling about the diary/journal idea, is how often in a diary/journal do you say who you are. It seems a little of a conflict of POV unless the character is writing it for someone else. Obviously only you kow your intentions here... so I'll let you decide.

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From the journals of Dr. Richard Wesley Venslowe, nano-physicist:

Everyone calls me "the old man Dr. Venslowe," thanks to my sour personality. Actually I kind of like the name, it helps to hide the truth quite well. Hah! As you might figure, whoever might be reading this, no one likes me, heck, you probably hate me too. And that is well--for if people knew the real me, and liked me, I would have to like them back--and there is no way I want to get that mushy.
The truth is, I’m actually a softy, and always have been. However, that is a secret that I keep very carefully. Well, goes to show what great actors we can be when we have reason to be.

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yeah, i guess it's not changed too much, but tell me what you think of it anyways...

i know it feels like an info dump, but that's what a journal is, especially the journal of a rather routine person, a person who hasn't a creative bone in their body.

tear me to shreds yet again folks...

I shouldn't have used the word "like" earlier. I use it myself because I like a lot of characters that others find repulsive or horrifying simply because they interest me. But yanos is right. The point is to get us interested in the character.

In other words, now that I'm interested in your character, I like him.

I'm going to start a separate topic about tension. I think it's important enough (and apparently controversial enough) to warrant its own discussion.

By the way, "A Rose for Emily" is by William Faulkner, not Joseph Conrad. I hate to see a great writer's (Conrad's) name tarnished by association with William Faulkner's work.

wetwilly, you're absolutely right about the Conrad/Faulkner error. I'm afraid I was rather in a heated fervor over the childishness of the argument taking place here, and scanning through the first lines of so many stories and books that I goofed.

Now, I know you're a fan of Henry James, but I can't force myself to wade through all the commas to discover that delicious buildup of tension that you so admire. Perhaps I'm a bit of a simpleton when it comes to my reading tastes. But I'll look for "The Jolly Corner".

last time i checked my prologues word count, i think it was around 800... so it's not terribly long... hehe, chapter one is about 1000 words and nowhere near complete!