posted
Hi, I'm new -- to this forum, and to writing. Any thoughts on this are welcome
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Arhan sat down slowly, his slick dark robes flowing around him as he settled into his chair. He needed but a moment to study the cool lump of metal, before his ring slowly expanded outwards in a glowing halo of black energy; a sure sign that he had begun to work.
He sighed a slow breath now, reaching forward toward the irregular material with both hands, lending all of his concentration to the single purpose of focusing the black ice. And focus it he did. As Arhan's eyes closed, the halo of dark energy formed into a thin sheet, flowing down his fingers to the metal, enveloping it in a slick wave.
To the young technomage, the black ice was an extension of himself: he could feel everything through it. The crystalline structure of the metal itself, the tiny impurities, the shape it started as... everything he needed was available to him then, and even with his limited preparation, he knew he had gathered more than enough power to bring this creation to life.
Elhana looked on intently, as her student worked to complete the weapon. A villager's bow was a no real challenge for him, Elhana knew. She knew, as well, that Arhan resented his tutor looking over his shoulder as he attended to such simple jobs.
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Thanks for reading
There was more, but I just found out about the limit. If anyone feels like checking out the rest, I'd appreciate it
[This message has been edited by Jel (edited November 14, 2004).]
posted
a) Yes, you can request for people to look at the whole thing privately; the first 13 being a teaser.
quote: Arhan sat down slowly, his slick dark robes flowing around him as he settled into his chair. He needed but a moment to study the cool lump of metal, before his ring slowly expanded outwards in a glowing halo of black energy; a sure sign that he had begun to work.
He sighed a slow breath now, reaching forward toward the irregular material with both hands, lending all of his concentration to the single purpose of focusing the black ice. And focus it he did. As Arhan's eyes closed, the halo of dark energy formed into a thin sheet, flowing down his fingers to the metal, enveloping it in a slick wave.
To the young technomage, the black ice was an extension of himself: he could feel everything through it. The crystalline structure of the metal itself, the tiny impurities, the shape it started as... everything he needed was available to him then, and even with his limited preparation, he knew he had gathered more than enough power to bring this creation to life.
Elhana looked on intently, as her student worked to complete the weapon. A villager's bow was a no real challenge for him, Elhana knew. She knew, as well, that Arhan resented his tutor looking over his shoulder as he attended to such simple jobs.
Quote: He needed but a moment to study the cool lump of metal, before his ring slowly expanded outwards in a glowing halo of black energy; a sure sign that he had begun to work.
Unclear what his ring is/where it is/so forth.
Quote: The crystalline structure of the metal itself, the tiny impurities, the shape it started as...
Why the cut off?
Quote: Elhana looked on intently, as her student worked to complete the weapon. A villager's bow was a no real challenge for him, Elhana knew.
No need for "Elhana knew." The structure tells the reader that is her thought.
Quote: She knew, as well, that Arhan resented his tutor looking over his shoulder as he attended to such simple jobs.
I would have it "as he attended to such a simple job," but also fine your way, just more general.
-----------------
Thoughts:
This piece is pretty much well-written. Save for the ring being unclear, pretty much the entire scene unfolds clearly.
It's my impression that the ring and the black halo is a manifestation of Arhan's powers--some kind of manipulative energy field. I think you've done a terrific job of describing this and its action through the mental effort of Arhan. This being the first thirteen lines, encountering the word ring used as you have used it, with no other explanation provided, could pose a problem depending on what follows in the lines after these: is the ring more clearly defined? If so, any capapble reader will mentally "bookmark" the word ring and wait for more explanation later. You can't make them wait too long, though. Information should be forthcoming in the next couple pages at the outset.
posted
Magic Beans: It was my intention to enhanced the description later on, but mostly of the magical energy used. I didn't realise the ring part was so confusing.
I'm having trouble introducing this, I suppose, without over-complicating the introduction. Is this any better?
He needed but a moment to study the cool lump of metal, before a halo of shimmering energy slowly expanded outwards from the ring on his finger. As black as the ring itself, the energy field alternated between pure empty shadow, and the burgeoning gleam of wet tar. It was a sure sign that he had begun to work.
posted
You've got some POV problems. There is also the fact that this seems to be an awefully high level magic to use on a "villager's bow" (whatever that means, nothing about the description up to that point suggested a conventional archery tool).
Aside from those points, your use of language and imagery seems okay. I would suggest that you work out your POV and milieu more throughly. The other side of the forum is a good place for discussing either.
posted
Survivor: Yea, this is essentially set in a very advanced future, where what is known as a "bow" is actually a high-tech energy weapon, with a passing resemblance to an old-fashioned weapon. That becomes known in the next few paragraphs, so I think (or hope it's okay.
Lack of scene descriptions is something I'm going to work on. I almost mentioned that in my post, but I thought I'd see if you guys mentioned it on your own
posted
Welcome! This sounds like a promising start. But the above comments are founded. It's nice to see you accept and learn so readily.
First, you're introducing some things here that I know nothing about but that, it seems, I should. Particularly the metal object over which he is working. It is described in too many ways. It's the same problem as using many different identifier tags for the same person--it becomes unclear whether you are speaking of the same person (or object in this case). I suggest you spend some time describing it--its features, its purpose--then give it a name and stick with the name so there can be no doubts.
I'm also going to caution you on the use of Adverbs and Adjectives. Keep them to a minimum. Avoid using Adverbs at all, if possible. Forcing yourself to write without them can help teach you to be a more 'proactive' writer (for lack of a better term--suggestions welcome). In other words, a writer whose writing is a pleasure to read. Often overuse of adjectives can bog down writing, make it tedious to read, and overuse of adverbs points to you as a writer who is too lazy to describe the action of the adverb.
For an example: Instead of: "Arhan sat down slowly..." Try: "Arhan eased himself into his chair..." Instead of: "...slick dark robes flowing..." Try: "...robes flowing in dark folds, settling around him like (fill in your favorite simile)..."
And, to answer your question about POV, briefly, POV is the Person through whose eyes you see the story happening. In the first three paragraphs the story is told from Arhan's perspective. The last paragraph switches to Elhana's perspective. Such switches are confusing and should only be done at a point when you can clearly re-establish a new POV character--such as a chapter break. You would then go through a process similar to that in your first paragraph in which you would name your POV character and see something through his eyes and experience. Refer to the Harry Potter books. Rowling writes them COMPLETELY from Harry's POV. If Harry is not there to see and experience it, it doesn't happen. We never delve into anyone else's thoughts but Harry's. So, the last paragraph would have to be changed to something like this:
"Elhana, his tutor, looked on. A villager's bow is no real challenge for me and she knows it, Arhan thought. Still she insisted on looking over his shoulder as he attended to such simple jobs, as if he were a novice."
Do you see the change? Do you also see that I never used the word 'resented' but I showed you by his thoughts and reactions that he resented it?
posted
If it is your intention to write for a while in Ehlana's point of view then you could very simply just add a section break before the switch...
"than enough power to bring this creation to life.
*******
Elhana looked on intently, as her student worked to complete the weapon. A villager's bow was a no real.
I am not a big fan of similes, especially where a simple adjective would do the job, but there is a point where too many bog the writing down. Think of them as slow words. For your writing to be lively and pacey you don't want too many.
Other than that, I enoyed the description. I was a bit confused about why we found out he was working on a bow at the end and not the beginning, but such is life.
posted
I'll go through line by line, noting the POV you seem to be using at any given time.
[Arhan]Arhan sat down slowly[Arhan], [objective]his slick dark robes flowing around him as he settled into his chair[objective]. [Arhan]He needed but a moment to study the cool lump of metal[Arhan], [objective]before his ring slowly expanded outwards in a glowing halo of black energy[objective]; [narrator/author]a sure sign that he had begun to work[narrator/author].
[unknown POV]He sighed a slow breath now, reaching forward toward the irregular material with both hands, lending all of his concentration to the single purpose of focusing the black ice. And focus it he did. As Arhan's eyes closed, the halo of dark energy formed into a thin sheet, flowing down his fingers to the metal, enveloping it in a slick wave[unknown].
[Omniscient narrator explaining Arhan's POV]To the young technomage,[Arhan] the black ice was an extension of himself: he could feel everything through it. The crystalline structure of the metal itself, the tiny impurities, the shape it started as... everything he needed was available to him then, and even with his limited preparation, he knew he had gathered more than enough power to bring this creation to life.[Arhan]
[Elhana]Elhana looked on intently, as her student worked to complete the weapon. A villager's bow was a no real challenge for him, Elhana knew. She knew, as well, that Arhan resented his tutor looking over his shoulder as he attended to such simple jobs.[Elhana]
Overall, this simply isn't a coherent POV. It isn't just the switch between Arhan and Elhana, it is the fact that a significant amount of the action isn't shown from any character's perspective at all.
As for "villager's bow", if this is not sufficiently like a bow that a person encountering it for the first time would call it a bow, then don't call it that. Also, it seems odd that you'd have a "technomage" working at this level to create something for a villager, I'm pretty sure that either your "villager" is no more what I'd call a villager than the bow is what I'd call a bow or you have a serious milieu problem here.
posted
djvdakota: Thanks for that; it really helps
Also to you, Survivor. Now that you point out those flaws, I'm not sure I have enough tools to write it without them, but I'll give it a shot, and I'll certainly look out for different approaches when I'm reading others' work.
posted
Third person omnicient requires no such paragraph breaks, though for that it is all the more difficult to work with. Do not assume that Jel's story is third person limited. Since it doesn't seem to be, why would you? Do not presume that it should be, either. Before everyone here jumps down my throat about how everyone writes in third person person limited, I would like to point out that in the publishing world, things are already shifting. The return of the Narrator Who Is Just Narrator is well nigh, as is a return to third person omnicient (this begs for a new topic, let's not go off on a tangent here).
Jel, I'm curious what POV you intended. If it was third person limited, you've got some great advice in the posts above to fix it. Folks here are really quite good at spotting POV inconsistencies.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 15, 2004).]
posted
Magic Beans: I was going for perspectives of Arhan at first, with a switch to Elhana. But not exactly a third person perspective. More like a narrator first focusing on what he saw one person do, then another. Omniscience was intended.
But I hadn't really thought about it much; this POV stuff is quite new to me. Since people have mentioned it, and I've done some reading, it does seem like it might help to hone my writing skills by limiting myself in that way; especially for the whole show-don't-tell thing.
I'll give it a try, and see what happens
[This message has been edited by Jel (edited November 15, 2004).]
posted
If you do decide to go with a non-character POV choice, then you need to use one of the various methods that are used to mark non-character POVs. That's a more complicated topic, though.
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